To be upset about meat being cooked in my house

[Meetmeinlove]

For context, I am 53 and a lifelong vegetarian. I have never cooked meat or eaten meat.

I was always clear with my kids that if they wanted to eat meat, it was their choice but it had to be out of the house. Put simply, I don’t want it in my house.

They both eat meat and I am ok with that.

But I came home and they have cooked it- used my wooden chopping board to cut it up. Left remnants on the worksurface.

i’m bloody upset and it feels so disrespectful frankly. It’s a real problem for me- I don’t want meat in my house- I have always been really clear about it.

aibu to be so upset about it? It’s a real problem for me.

Sorry, I still disagree. I understand your stance but I don't think you can say it's ok for every home to function differently and then add in a clause to say "but not op" because you don't like it. You're kind of saying "Well I couldn't if it was me so op shouldn't either".

I'm having a specific problem with people labelling it as controlling. That's a very loaded word, like "forcing, "imposing" etc. that have also been used. It's language we use to describe abusive behaviour which has been outright accused by some, no matter their diet. That's a very typical but unreasonable stance to take towards vegetarians and vegans. Especially when she is actively facilitating them eating meat, just not at home, which a lot of people are ignoring outright or as they make their own case.

Repeatedly there is a focus on the kids being part of the household too (I agree). The kids had seemingly been functioning under these rules, then went against it without talking with op. That's the problem here in the end - no matter how many times this has happened without op knowing, they are old enough to ask and for them to work it out together. None of us get a say in how that goes no matter how we feel about it. We can not like it but to get so incensed to cry abuse is childish and dramatic.

I think shared living means agreeing the common denominator of values and ethics. It's easy to not have meat in the house. I'm relatively new to it, but it would upset me if someone cooked dead animals in my home.

It isn’t just YOUR house - it is also theirs. That means people living together must compromise. Agree to rules.

Otherwise expect them to feel
uncomfortable in their home and they’ll move out as soon as they can, as to them you will just seem incredibly controlling.

It is her house. They are her children living with her in her house. They don't get an equal say on how the house is run.

That is totally normal, and when the rules she makes are reasonable (which 'no meat in the house' is) there's no reason to imagine that the children will feel uncomfortable or controlled. This is just how their home - that they have lived in all their life - works.

Whilst I agree with this to an extent, in this scenario you have a home, in which 3 people live; OP, DC1 & DC2.

Two thirds of the house want to do something (in this instance eat meat) and one third doesn’t.

Why should the 1/3 make the rules?

OP says that the DC can eat meat outside of the home, but presumably 90% of the meals are eaten within it.

Unless there’s a drip feed of OP giving her DC an unlimited budget to eat every meal in a restaurant where they can consume meat should they wish, those DC are restricted to their meals (an obviously essential event) being what OP wants to eat, rather than what the DC want to eat.

OP is welcome to not have meat in her home for guests, but her DC aren’t guests and should have equal say in what is eaten, with the proviso that they cook and clean up afterwards.

‘I'm having a specific problem with people labelling it as controlling. That's a very loaded word, like "forcing, "imposing" etc. that have also been used. It's language we use to describe abusive behaviour which has been outright accused by some, no matter their diet. That's a very typical but unreasonable stance to take towards vegetarians and vegans. Especially when she is actively facilitating them eating meat, just not at home, which a lot of people are ignoring outright or as they make their own case.’

Absolutely @confusedcrane

It seems that we’re very quick to label someone’s clear BOUNDARIES as controlling now.

Why should the 1/3 make the rules?

Because that 1/3 is the only adult in her house, and the other 2/3 are her children.

Honestly, do you let your kids stay up until 2am eating sweets if 2/3 of the household (both children) decide they want to?!?

Well, personally, while I can see there's a debate about this here, I think the parent/s have paid for the home to raise their families and live their lives. So if the adult who's paid for the home has a reasonably common and understandable value or ethic, I would expect the children of that parent to respect it, even if they don't live by it. I was rasied by a very religious Mum, I am for the most part scathingly critical of religion, but I was ( and am when I visit) very respectful about this in her home. Anyway, I know my view that parents make the household rules for living is not universally accepted, but that's where I'm coming from on this.

I understand OP, although I am pescatarian, and do cook meat for DH and DC sometimes, I know that for people who don’t eat meat at all, having animal corpses consumed in their house, especially covertly, can feel like a violation. You can’t help how you feel, but a calm chat with your DC is in order now they’re old enough to buy and prepare their own food. You can’t say “it’s wrong” if you’re ok with them eating it outside the home, so you need to talk about how it just really upsets you, and try to find a resolution from there.

That's a very typical but unreasonable stance to take towards vegetarians and vegans

But many vegetarians and some vegans are taking the same stance.

Yeah this is weird. By all means have them clean everything. But no meat in the house? It’s not heroin!

It is their house, not solely hers. When you raise children and they have views and opinions you don’t completely disregard them citing it is your house.

I guess the alternative is they move out which the 18 year old could. The 14 year old couldn’t - so yes being told what you can/cannot eat is controlling. Therefore a compromise is best - use designated utensils etc.

The last I looked meat is food. Beating in mind I was vegetarian for 18 years before I had kids.

I think its really restrictive & controlling (and quite selfish) to not allow children/young people a full diet in their own home. Lots of people dont absord non haem iron well (including supplements) and really need animal products in their diet to feel well. Its expensive to only be able to eat food containing meat when out and about, most meat needs cooking.

They should have used a separate chopping board, washed it up and cleaned up after themselves properly to respect your wishes .

Would love to buy the poor bairns a haggis supper! Amused by the emotive language from some posters, banging on about corpses and dead animals. Unless one is boiling live lobsters, I'd guess all meat for consumption is lifeless.
To be pedantic, a corpse is a dead human body. A dead animal is a carcass. As far as I am aware, nobody is extolling the joys of cannibalism

Is she actively facilitating them eating meat, or do they just know their mum won’t disown them if they choose to outside the home? Very different scenarios.

Your house, your rules. I eat meat and fish but I would accept what you want in your own home.

How does that apply? Do you join in the rosary nightly, go to church Sunday and feast days, devoutly pray each night in your room and when making hard decisions and give thanks to the lord for any good news? Or do you just politely join in grace, and not ever say this god business is a load of old rubbish mum? They are very différent and I’d guess your actions were closer to the second than the first. The kids are veggie at home 99.9% of the time. They cooked meat in the house once. If they’d cleaned it up I’d call that extremely respectful and certainly the equivalent of your supporting your parents religion.

Don’t be ridiculous, this is a thread about eating meat.

For example, growing children need a lot of protein, and like it or not the high levels of protein needed in a healthy diet are hard to replicate in a vegetarian diet (not impossible, but hard).

A teenager during a growth spurt may well get a craving for meat as the body needs protein, B12, iron etc and meat is a ready source of that.

The two DC here have chosen to make a healthy food choice for their growing bodies which is in complete contrast to a child wanting to eat sweets at 2am.

You are not comparing like with like.

From personal experience (and as here) there are a lot of judgemental attitudes even between vegans and vegetarians. You get some who think we should all function the same as a unit without any variation so they get upset you aren't vegetarian like they are vegetarian, and it can come out similar to prejudice from non-veggies. I've had others flip their lid at me because I'm not veggie enough or too veggie for their taste.

Meat is good for you and they aren’t planning to eat it at 2am so I don’t understand the relevance of this example? It would be more apt to say you’ve never done ballet and you’re a tennis person, would you let your dc do ballet?? These are choices.

"I eat out with them regularly and they eat meat at restaurants."

She also mentions they eat it at school and it with friends.

OP is facilitating by directly passing for their meal or giving her kids money for they to buy it themselves, so yes. Read her posts.

But if there is one person in the home that one person is the household
If there are three the three of them constitute the household
If there are five, there are five people in the household

I don't think the OP is abusive but she is controlling in the literal sense she is controlling of the household space where the children live. If your husband said you can't have milk inside the house anymore he would.still be controlling you because he would be stopping you drinking milk inside the house you live in. I don't think it is exactly the same for adults and children - if a husband was controlling his wife in such a way that would be abusive. Controlling children isn't automatically abusive because they are children. But it is still controlling.

I agree everyone has the rights to run their house how they like. Some households run like democracies, some are North Korea. But the OPs repeated insistence that she can't understand how anyone would think she is controlling because she lets her kids eat meat elsewhere signals she can't conceive that the house is anything other than her space and her space alone. Usually parents with that very rigid attitude end up wondering why their kids leave home as soon as they can and prefer to meet up elsewhere when they visit.

Can I just point out if op allowed meat for her kids but not for guests she would be getting the same response, and I would see the sense in that more as it feels contradictory.

Would she though? I think the "vegetarianism is awful" goady posters would be offended but people like me qould see it differently l. Guests is different though because of you told them they would not be allowed to eat meat they have a choice not to visit. Children don't really have a choice to live elsewhere and even when they do, I would want mine to feel it is their home.

I agree it is about boundaries. But while hopefully everyone agrees that we all have the right to set boundaries around their personal space in this case the OPs personal space in which she experts her boundaries is her whole house. Since the children also live inside the house they are affected by her policing these boundaries and limited in the boundaries they can set for themselves within the space their mother controls. Some people do think like that. But it does mean the house is never fully the children's home. It's the OPs home and the children are allowed to live in it. Which is not abusive, but is controlling.