AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

There’s probably nothing else you can do.

At the same time - there is no “should” about feelings. Just as she can’t demand that you refrain from having a fourth baby (and like you say, that ship has sailed), or from being happy about it, you can’t demand that she be happy to have nieces and nephews.

Maybe she needs some distance, and you need to allow her to have it, while at the same time leaving things open in the hope that she will want to reconnect in due course. And probably in time she will come to love her new niece/nephew as well as the ones who are already here.

I’m interested in your mum’s perspective - she said you should accept that your sister might not want much contact for a while, and I think she could well be right. Did she make any other suggestions as to how you can improve the situation? Remember that as much as you love each of your three children plus the one on the way - your mum loves each of you that same way.

Thing is if she is 44 now and has a partner now who has children. Take a guess she’s been with him 3-4years?

There will have been a gap likely in her 30’s single where she could have tried donor sperm ivf / Ics? And she decided not to try that.

Her and her current partner if they have been together 3-4yesrs again she could currently even do ivf with his sperm if he was up for it.

She made choices even after leaving the ex which has stopped her trying for children even pre this partner.

You say she’s not infertile so she just never tried and now she’s mad at everyone who has children.

I absolutely disagree with this as someone who wasn’t able to have children. I never made my infertility someone else’s fault. Longing? Yes! Grief? No. That’s my own experience of course but I’m tired of infertile women getting a pass on being so rude.

So your husband will actually have 6 children with two different mothers 🤯. Thank goodness he’s stopped now!

It must have been awful when your sister‘s ex went on to have children with someone else. I can’t imagine how painful that would be. I would guess that she thinks six kids for your OH is excessive-he will be 60 when your baby starts high school which is a bit strange.

I think that’s the case? No wonder she made a comment about his endless shagging.

I don’t get why she’s mad at me

That is spectacularly obtuse.

In an ideal world, she'd be happy for you, but this is not an ideal world, and she's in pain - a pain that can only be fixed by time, and those around her trying to fucking understand, instead of judging her.

Could you try to have some imaginative sympathy and just try, just for a couple of minutes out of your own head, to imagine what it must be like to see the man whom you loved & to whom you devoted your fertile years, keep on saying "No" to having DC, then when he's divorced from you, he goes off & has DC with someone else?

Just try to have some empathy, or imagination.

Well no. It doesn’t work like that.

You’re not unreasonable to have 4 kids but you are unreasonable in your expectations of her. I’m always amazed at how people who conceive easily don’t understand how painful it is for those who don’t, or who have otherwise “missed the boat” in the sad way your sil has. And I say this as someone who has got a child but who was in both of those categories at one point while watching family members pop them out. I could barely speak to them during that time (and had to keep my distance to avoid lashing out), and I still feel upset remembering it. Just give her space and let it be.

I'm childfree and not by choice. I don't have a sister but if I did and she had lots of children I wouldn't expect her to change the way she felt about the pregnancy but I would probably distance myself from her. Absolutely no excuse for her to be rude or nasty to you but I do think it's completely understandable if there is some distance between you. For me even seeing women in the street with lots of children in tow is painful, it'd be so much worse if it were my own sister.

I am no better than her at all. I haven’t said that I am I’m just explaining the situation with bet previous husband that’s all I think it does explain why she is resentful. Someone who isn’t resentful would not message their sister very snarky horrible things about a friend who just gave birth but then on her Facebook comment nice things. It’s quite sad and makes me think of what she says about me. I can be understanding of what she is dealing with but that doesn’t excuse how she has acted or the things she’s said to me. Two things can be true at once humans are very multifaceted which is what I try to tell myself when she makes unnecessary and hurtful comments.

This was my first thought.

She chose to stay with a man, who it seems pretty clear, wasn't planning on becoming a father.

She could have left him and had a child by donor on her own if she really wanted one. Plenty of women do.

It's not your responsibility to make her feel better about her decisions by restricting the number of children you have.

However, she isn't happy about it, so you need to accept that she probably won't want to be around you while you're pregnant or when you have a small baby, but you seem sensitive to that anyway.

But no, she doesn't have to be happy to have nieces and nephews.

That' s not really "child free by choice"

You sound self centred. Can you not empathise at all with your sister?

Ahaha. Yes 6 he’s one of 6 his siblings all have children too it’s a big family.

She's made the same comment about her friend behind her back who has just had her second child.

OP, I ask again, is it just the marriage/baby situation in which she states/implies that things that haven't worked out for her are always someone else's fault or is it something you see in relation to other areas?

That is a very insensitive thing to say. I hope you aren’t saying it to your sister, or to anyone in the family who might repeat it.

The only thing I can think of that might bring you close to understanding how hurtful a comment it is is to say how would you feel if one of your children died and someone said “ But surely you can be happy to have the ones who are left?” It just doesn’t work like that, not having your own children and being desperate for them isn’t the same as having nieces and nephews. Just as the pain of losing a child isn’t compensated for by still having living children.

I am not wishing harm on any of your children btw.

That’s not my comment ?

While your family planning is your business it's not for you to say what she should be happy about.

I think you should just accept that your sister is a nasty bitch and distance yourself from her. I hope her friends find out what she’s like. No one needs someone like her in their life and near their children.

OP, where you are wrong is in expecting your sister to react rationally to your pregnancy. The hurt she feels is probably impossible to comprehend for someone who has not struggled to have children. She knows she’s being irrational in saying you’re greedy, etc. And that will add to her hurt.

You can be sensitive about it by not speaking about your pregnancy in front of your sister. At all (unless she asks you). It’s a small thing for you and will make things more bearable for her.

Why can't yiur ds have a child now?. My mum had my brother at 45yrs of age

It’s not the same as having your own children. 🤷‍♀️

YANBU. She sounds incredibly self centered and possibly like she just looks for any reason to resent you and you have a dig. I think asking her to be Godmother would be a poor choice - for a start, she would probably find it insensitive but more importantly you do not want someone who is resentful of your child's very existence to be any more tightly connected to them than possible.

I strongly disagree with the comments about her hurt being understandable or reasonable. There is nothing inevitable about her feelings. She can help them. They are driven by jealousy and that's something you can completely reframe and change your approach to if you put the work in.

I would try to have as little to do with your sister as possible and if she raises the issue again tell her to grow up.

I think probably a lack of planning. OP said she couldn’t help that they’d had twins, which is fair enough. But then they are still having a further child. But the rights and wrongs of this aren’t for this thread.

She had agency. She chose not to exercise it, over many years, despite knowing time was running out. Is that better?