AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

Off course, because having nieces and nephews are the same as having her own children 😬 insensitive and selfish way to think. I hope you haven't said that to her.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.

To be blunt. This isn't your bloody problem. It's not your fault. It's not your responsibility. And you should not have to justify having another child because she can't have one. The end.

That's just shit behaviour and frankly emotionally abusive.

She needs to have counselling rather than using you as her punching bag.

As much as you can be sensitive about this, it sounds like the very act of getting pregnant is something she regards as unacceptable. You would not ever be able to be sensitive enough.

And yeah she needs to be told this straight even if she doesn't like it, if she's lashing out at you for being pregnant. You should not be walking on eggshells over this.

If she throws a tantrum and decides to go no contact, again that's her actions and responsibility not yours.

You can no live your life appeasing hers. Your life choices are yours. Hers are hers. She could have made different choices but she didn't and she needs to learn to live with them. She may have been unlucky in life but again this isn't something you have had in or deliberately caused to hurt her.

This is all about her and she needs to get the fuck over herself and stop sucking the joy out of your life because she's simply jealous.

This is my way of thinking. It took me nearly 10 years to conceive, other peoples pregnancies didn’t affect me in the slightest. I get we’re all different, but people giving birth to babies that weren’t mine didn’t make me feel jealous in any way?

She has been honest and told you how she feels. You say, "I love you, I'm sorry you're hurting. If you need to make some distance between us for a while, it will feel like a punch to me too, of course it will, but I understand." And then you let her be and let her make peace with her own life.

I think over the years she’s has resented me but she couldn’t name one rational reason for it. When I met my husband she said it wouldn’t work out due to the age gap, when we got married she said but he has children who he clearly loves, he’ll never have children with you, his children will hate me, now I’ve bonded with his children she has nothing else to say now 4th baby later all she can say about us is that we seem to ever only have sex.

To give you a perspective from someone who went through 5 years of infertility (I am lucky to now have my little one) -

Your sister is clearly hurting, infertility is an awful thing to go through, whatever the reason. Being childless not by choice and watching other people announce their happy pregnancies really does hurt.

Clearly though, she's completely unreasonable to suggest you shouldn't have a child because of her pain.

She's projecting onto you, and is probably in a very vulnerable place. She probably doesn't actually mean what she said that you shouldn't have more children - she's just struggling and doesn't know quite what to say or how to cope. She probably feels stuck in her situation and she is watching everyone else play happy families.

So, I would take that comment for what it was - an outcry of pain, rather than anything that has any true meaning.

In your shoes I would just try to respond empathetically and move on.

"I understand that you are really hurting/ we can go for a coffee any time/ I'm here for you/ I really want you to be involved in the baby's life/ they will be so lucky to have you as their auntie". (But understand that this is not the same as having her own child - definitely don't tell her she should be grateful to be aunt!)

Don't focus on "well I can't do anything about it" - she knows that.

She'll still be hurting but just try to be there for her. She most likely knows that you can't and shouldn't change your life for her - she's just telling you that she's suffering and likely just wants to feel heard.

I think this comment sounds like you don't get it at all tbh OP. You are completely right, her pain doesn't give her the right to dictate how many children you should have and I do see your point about some of this being her own choices.

But as someone who has 4 children, you can't possibly ever understand how she feels, your couldn't really be further apart on your realities.

Of course she shouldn't be telling you not to have a 4th, but saying she should be happy to have nieces and nephews does show you lack the real insight and understanding to just how painful this may be for her.

Just give her space and time.

Point out where she’s said that at all?

I think your sister is being very entitled and your mother is enabling this behaviour. You sister didn't have fertility problems and made her own choices in life.
I bet if it wasn't about this she would tearing you down about something else, and if you were infertile and she had babies she would enjoy rubbing it in and your mum would tell you to harden up.
Just going by a few family dynamics I've seen. But could I be right?

What an awful situation, for all of you, but you are right when you say " "my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy."

Her feelings are hers to manage and work through but she's not justified in being so nasty to you for simply living your life - what would she (or your Mum) have you do? Say "Oh we won't have that fourth child we really want because Sis won't like it" ????!! As if.

I would have to try and halt this narrative now - use the phrase you have above - your life is yours to live and I would shut down any further hystrionics from your sister or your Mum that link you being happy with her being sad. They are not connected.

Her saying she feels like she is being punched is valid, that's exactly how I felt when my sister told me she was expecting her 3rd and 4th and we were struggling to conceive. I wasn't particularly interested in being an aunt, its a myth that childless aunts want to be the fun aunt. That being said, I was still delighted for and supportive of my sister. My mum did actually ask her to wait until I had conceived before trying for her 3rd, but I told her not to be ridiculous.

I think what you're actually saying, OP, is that you want your sister to be as happy about this fourth child as you are and to ignore her own very complex feelings around this issue to focus on congratulating you and being happy for you.

If so, that is very unreasonable.

Its not unreasonable to want her to keep any spiteful comments driven by sadness, envy and regret to herself but that's not what you asked.

You want her to be happy to have a fourth niece/nephew and she isn't. And that is fine.

You’re making assumptions me saying she’s got nieces and nephews isn’t me saying that it’s the same as having children no where have I said that. Sorry if that’s what you thought I meant or was alluding but that’s not the case. I just mean she should just be happy for us and keep it moving. She doesn’t need to be in contact contact it’s not as though I’m sending her updates every second I’ve never even done that. All I’m asking is for my own sister to swallow her pride and just be happy for us or at least not make hurtful comments. How does she think it makes me feel.

She

You aren't wrong , she can embrace being an aunt or let her resentment cause her to alienate your family. She'd be foolish to do that .

However, I can understand that she is gutted and grieving the family she hoped for .

But the world keeps turning

She told you how painful it was for her and you think she should just swallow her PRIDE? Ok.

Oh no, that's not fair - the sister hasn't just said "Oh you are so lucky, I wish I had been" that would be understandable.

As per the OP "she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one."

What??? Stop living your life cos mine didn't go to plan??? She can fuck off with that nonsense.

She doesn't have to be happy for you, though.

She can have whatever thoughts or feelings she wants around it.

I agree that she shouldn't be making spiteful comments (and said so) and her feelings don't take priority over yours but if your aibu is actually aibu to expect my sister to he happy for me then yeah, given the circumstances, I think you are.

What was your relationship like before you had kids? Has she always compared?

She made the choice to stay and wait out her fertile years in a relationship - however sad that is to her it was a choice she had.

Someone in family always had an issue with every pg I had - had three - every fucking time we were supposed to not be happy about our planned wanted kids - there was no impact on people moaning either - it's all been on DH and I and always was going to be.

IME people tend to get over it really quickly once baby is born- though we did put some space during pg- to point most would deny they were the bastards about pg that they were.

I'd keep some distance for now or have a few shut up phrases handy.

Congratulations anyway.

This.

I would take a step back from your sister OP. It sounds like you have done what you can to be sensitive and that will never be good enough for her. She can’t help how she feels but she can help what she says. She thinks that because she can’t have children and you can, that she gets to say whatever she likes and be seen as the one in the right. It’s a horrible mentality and I wouldn’t want her near me or my children.

This update explains a lot more about the family dynamics OP.

I'm with your DH, you've accommodated enough of her anger and resentment - chances are whatever you did she'd pick and snipe and find fault or throw shade.

Lift yourself above it and enjoy your lovely family and the baby to come. Good luck. 💐

YANBU OP.

Your sister doesn’t sound very nice. I think she projecting her anger about staying with a guy who didn’t want children with her, onto you.

For now, maybe there needs to be some distance between you both, your mum needs to stop enabling your sister’s poor behaviour. I hope things improve. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

She is obviously really hurting but you absolutely don't have to just take a beating from her. You can say I love you and can see you're hurting and I'm sorry for that, but I'm not listening to you if you deliberately say hurtful things.

Of course you can be happy about your new baby and your lovely family. It's awful that she feels so bad but you didn't do any of your life to her. If she's at all reasonable she'll accept this at some point.