AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

Do you have children now?

Guys my sister wasn’t dealing with infertility. Sorry I could have made that clear in the original post.

It's ok not to like a sibling OP, even when you love them.Tell her you love her and that you undestand she's hurting and make some distance. You are angry and hurt but don't fall into the same cycle of snarking about her. She is snarking from a place of misery. From your position of happiness, try to have some compassion for that, all the while taking care of yourself by stepping back from her. And don't get into discussions/arguments over this with your mum.

It’s not quite the same is it

My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

Speaking as someone who was in a situation a little like your sister's, I think it's easy for you to have these opinions, but much harder to be your sister.

What she said to you was stupid, but I think you need to cut her some slack. Just rise above it. You've lucked out in life. She hasn't (in her view). Be gracious, you can afford to be.

I feel for her. This is exactly what I feel like when I hear yet another friend is pregnant/engaged/getting married etc when I never have been and will probably never have any of those things. But they are doing nothing wrong and neither are you. I take it badly but I don’t show the people close to me that I am because that’s not fair. You can’t stop her feeling the way she’s feeling and she can’t stop you living your life. Just crack on.

"And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay."

What a hideous thing to say about your sister. Did you think that when you were "close" to her?

But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

Are you sure you didn't mishear what she said?

Sounds far too weird.

I feel angry for my sister but also she should be held accountable. She stayed with that man knowing full well. We all advised and supported but she did not want to listen to us I think that’s also why she is very resentful because we did tell her but now he’s remarried and has children. I do feel for her. As much we as woman don’t like to believe that there’s a clock there is a clock and you don’t have much time to have children. She could have them now but her current partner has children I’m not sure if they’ve tried. I guess as tech advances more women will be having children in their 40s+

I spent years struggling with fertility and miscarriage after miscarriage. It consumed every fibre of my being. What I will say is I wasn’t really happy to have nieces and nephews, I didn’t really care tbh. So I think YABU for that comment because even if she was overjoyed and obsessed with your children it isn’t equivalent to having your own child.

I think your sister is BU for her comment to you though. You can quietly keep your distance from someone without making them feel guilty for their fertility. I pulled back from many relationships and would have never said that, and I only would have mentioned it to that person had I been pushed about my distance.

I found particularly solace in a group of women who also struggled like me and we propped each other up in our most difficult times. They inevitably cut me off when I got pregnant (after several failed rounds of IVF) but they didn’t make any comments like that to me. I have reconnected with a few of them now time has passed. A couple managed to conceive and one recently adopted.

Four children really is a lot these days. At least OPs husband has, belatedly, done the responsible thing.

Why is it hideous? The sister made a choice, and it didn’t pan out. That’s a simple fact.

Are there other situations that she states/implies are someone else's fault, beyond her control, unfair etc.?

I mean I was there when she said it ? I haven’t repeated exactly what she said verbatim. She also called me greedy to which she has since apologised for but still how can I be greedy for having children they’re happy, healthy, loved and well taken care of.

You are both entitled to your own feelings, you are entitled to be happy, she is entitled to be upset. Not expecting her to be happy for you and showing her some gentle consideration would be generous on your part.
The person being unreasonable, I feel, is your mother. She shouldn’t be telling you how your sister may or may not feel or act once the baby is born. She doesn’t know and it’s actually nothing to do with her. She should be supporting both of you if anything. If she can’t do that for you as well as for your sister then put some distance between yourself and both of them and concentrate on your own little family and your own happiness.
Just because your sister can’t have what you have (and, yes, that is painful for her) doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to it.

Omg. You really don't have a clue

My husband has 5 children, 3 with me and 2 with his ex wife. Soon to have 6 children. He’s a wonderful father we don’t want anymore children after this one but we can’t control that we had twins.
We both work and love our children there’s no limit to how many children one can have so long as you can provide for them. DH is one of 6 and has a big family.

I'm childless - not through choice. My feelings are not someone else's problem.

That’s incredibly tone deaf and this attitude will contribute to her reaction.

I am also child free - and not by choice. Yes sometimes I do feel sad about it. However I would never be unkind to someone who is pregnant. It's not their fault I didn't have children.
Whilst I appreciate she is hurting, it's not the OPs fault.

Absolutely not the Op's fault.

But if someone wants space, you give them space.

Your sister made some very hurtful comments and that was wrong of her but it sounds like she is dealing with grief and one that time may not help. Of course you are not wrong to want to add another loved child to your family but she may not ever be in a position to be happy for you having a life that has been unobtainable for her.

Also the comments saying it is effectively her own fault being child free due to staying with the wrong man are really unnecessary and hurtful, and if you have made these comments to her I could see why she is upset. Sometimes staying with a partner that everyone else can see is wrong for you is not that easy to see from the inside. She may have been looking at the sunk cost fallacy and thought it was more likely he changed his mind than her being able to find another partner who would give her what she wanted. It is so, so unfair to blame her and say it's her own fault she has no kids as you do not know what went on in her relationship and she probably blames herself enough as it is.

Again, this is very easy for you to say. I think you sound quite judgmental & unempathetic towards your sister.

Just be gracious. You've been lucky; she was very unlucky. Don't assume you are better, wider, or more deserving than she is; it's mostly luck. Lucky that you found a good partner; lucky that you are fertile. You're not superior in your judgement, nor is she inferior in hers.

Will this be your husbands 6th child?