AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

I'm sorry you are getting it in the neck from some posters, @TheFunnyPoet . I think your sister's comments about you, your husband and her friends who are having kids are completely out of order. Of course she is hurting in these circumstances but she is expressing it in a very immature and unpleasant way. You sound like you have been beyond supportive if you have not risen to these remarks. Time to take a leaf out of your older sister's book and call her out on her communication style. You can stress that you appreciate how difficult it is for her emotionally but nothing justifies vulgar and nasty comments.

She hasn't struggled to have children. She's prioritised other things.

Even if you do struggle to have children you don't have to be jealous of others while you struggle. Plenty of women are unable to have children and don't react the way OP's sister has. Jealousy as a response is an outlook you can completely change.

This is very unhealthy behaviour and it definitely sounds like she needs counselling.

She shouldn't ever take this out on you or anyone else.

It isn't a simple fact at all. The sister says she was manipulated by the bloke. It's the OP who said she made a choice.

I suspect her feelings are as much about her own choices in staying with a man who didn't want them as about not having her own child. I mean I am well aware of the pain of not being able to have a child as my DH and I spent most of our 30s trying to do so and had several fertility treatments etc. There were some decisions we made along the way that didn't help, though we didn't appreciate that at the time; one in particular due to lack of information that the doctor could have given us. When I eventually accepted it would never happen, those decisions played on my mind a lot.

Ultimately we adopted two children and, despite the challenges, are very happy with the family we have.

However, my sibling had had 3 children by the time we adopted our first and subsequently had a 4th. I enjoyed seeing my nieces and nephews and never once expressed any resentment towards my sibling. It is possible. Your sister needs intensive therapy. Even if she somehow persuaded you not to have another child, how would that make her happier? It's a totally mean attitude that serves no one

"She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind. He never did."

He said he might want children, implying that he might not and, indeed, he didn't. The sister has to accept her own culpability here.

You’re not coming across well with comments like this, sounds pretty tone deaf. I’m sure your sister loves her nieces and nephews. But they are in no way some kind of replacement for her own child. It’s a complicated set of emotions that’s hard to empathise with if you haven’t lived through it. Of course YANBU to be please about your new baby, but your sister is nbu to be working through her own emotions too. She might just need a bit of space and time.

If you can say something like this you will never know the total agony and hopelessness of infertility OP.

FGS don't say this to her.

So she has two sisters who have 8 children between them and she doesn’t have one. Poor thing.

How did you tell her about the latest pregnancy?

Stop expecting her to be "happy to have nieces and nephews" as though they are supposed to somehow compensate for her not having her own children.

You are not showing much empathy or compassion for her. If distance makes things easier for her, for now, then allow her that.

Yeah thats a WILD overstep on her behalf. She sounds quite cruel? It is possible for her to be genuinely sad and upset AND an unpleasant person, women dont become saints when they are unable to have the number of children they want to have wether it’s 1,2,3 and so on.

She isn’t infertile though, is she? Not that she knows of anyway, she just stayed for years with a man who only said he ‘might’ want children one day. If she felt as strongly about having DC as she seems to punish OP with, then she should have ended of it her own volition and pursued her dream of children elsewhere.

I suspect her anger is really at herself that she let it all pass by, and it’s easier to lash out at everyone else.

You see, this comment is unreasonable. And it may hint that you are not quite as sensitive as you think you are.

You are both in a difficult situation, but your sister‘s situation is much more difficult. I can understand why she might not be happy having nieces and nephews as it drives home her loss.

And I say that as somebody who conceived both times first time and had no miscarriages. I was lucky but I can still understand how utterly devastating it must be for somebody who has fertility issues and/or has ended up with no children.

Of course Yanbu to have another child if you want one. That’s your choice and your business. I can understand that she’s hurting but as you said, she’s in this position because of her own life choices. I do think her response and your mums response are a little unfair - almost treating you like you’ve done something wrong when ideally you’d hope that your family would be happy for you. However I guess if it’s really that difficult for her then you may have to accept that contact has to stop for a while.

My concern would be that when the baby’s born…then what? Are you expected to hide it away and act like it isn’t something to celebrate just to spare your sisters feeling? A bit of an unfair family dynamic for an innocent child to be born into.

Actions have consequences or in the case of your sister, her inaction has consequences instead. She chose to stay with her ex and waste her fertile years on someone who was never going to have kids.

If I were you I'd just pull away for a bit until she's got a grip of herself and then let her make the first move. Sounds like you need to be more like your older sister and be firmer when she starts saying awful things to you. The only person she has to blame is herself for the situation she is in.

Your sister needs to bitch and moan to her friends, not to you.

Actions have consequences or in the case of your sister, her inaction has consequences instead. She chose to stay with her ex and waste her fertile years on someone who was never going to have kids.
As sad as her situation is, I must agree. At one point alarm bells must have started to ring.

Your OP is quite misleading.

THE SISTER IS NOT INFERTILE

She waited too long and now she regrets it. If she was desperate for a baby she would have tried for one with or without the ex.

I remember when I was in a similar position as your sister. I went through infertility whilst my SIL (BIL’s wife) kept having DC, she had 5 eventually, who are all adults now. I then had IVF and she told me I shouldn’t because of the ‘spare embryos’! (Ironically, it turned out that I had no eggs.)

Friends were also having DC, we were all in our 30s and it was a time when a lot of babies were born.

My DSis then had her first baby (she also has a DSS from her DH’s first marriage, 2 bio DC and one adopted DS), but by then my DH and I had decided that we were going to adopt, so it wasn’t so painful this time.

I never made negative comments, I just congratulated them and broke down in private. (Apart from when my SIL criticised us for doing IVF.)

I sympathise with your DSis, OP, especially since your other sister is also having DC! However, she is also being unkind to you, which you don’t deserve. She shouldn’t inflict her pain on you, she should instead have therapy to help her come to terms with her feelings of loss. I did and it really helped.

That's not the OP.

But it was a choice. She knew he didn't want children but chose to stay with him because she loved him (🙄)

She prioritised her relationship.

She could have prioritised having children and left him.

She had a choice she just now regrets the one she made and that can happen to anyone.

It's surprising that 21% of responses are that OP is BU. DSis is out of line for saying such shit to OP. If I were in OP's shoes, I'd let it go out of sympathy for her - this time. If she says something like that again, I'd politely but firmly tell her that it's not OK and disrespectful for her to treat me as a whipping boy. It's actually not helping DSis for everyone to pander to her. She really needs therapy.

OP's comment that maybe DSis would enjoy to be auntie was a bit tone-deaf but it's clearly not OP causing the anger in DSis, since DSis also makes churlish mean comments about other women having children.

This is what I was thinking. From what OP has said, her sister has never TTC, she spent her fertile years with a man who didn't want to TTC with her.

Infertility is the inability to conceive, or carry a child, despite actively trying for more than one year.

Infertility and pregnancy loss carry their own trauma. I've no doubt OP's sister now has regrets over her life, but you can't call her situation infertility when she has never tried for a child.

She isn't infertile.

Well, I think your sister is being ridiculous.While I do understand her position she needs to sort her own feelings out, with help if necessary, and not load it onto you. Life can be extraordinarlily unfair at times and there's nothing you can do about it: this is one of those times.

I don't know what you can do, if anything, though.

One thing I’ve always absolutely refused to feel guilty about is getting pregnant and having a baby.

I spent many years trying to get pregnant, and have been poked and prodded and loaded up on fertility treatment. Same for subsequent children. Whilst doing this I endured other people having 2 or 3 DC at the drop of a hat.

And ohhh, I wasn’t ready for the joy of finally getting pregnant bring quashed by people not happy for me, telling me not to tell this or that person as they’ll be upset etc.

I refused to apologise for getting pregnant and having MY baby. You see that’s what it is all about. It’s about having your own one, no matter how many anyone else has.

OP, I’m sorry about your sister, but don’t let her or anyone else spoil this vulnerable and special time. It’s not like you’ve put dibs on the last baby. She can have one with her current partner, go it alone, or adopt. The fact that she doesn’t is her choice.