AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

Yes she’d silly for saying that, sometimes sisters are so weird to each other in my observations (I don’t have one)

Tbh OP I found some of your comments really anger inducing. They brought back some awful memories. I agree that the idea of you not having as many children as you want to protect your sisters feelings ridiculous however, you are clearly absolutely clueless when it comes to understanding how your sister feels. I can't be bothered to try and make you understand. Actually, from reading many of your comments I doubt you would. I've known many women with views like yours when I was going through ten years of ttc as I had secondary infertility. I was very lucky to have one so nothing like someone who has no child but as other secondary infertility sufferers know it is extremely hard. Being told by fertile supposed 'friends' who have never struggled to get pg or had a mc how we are supposed to feel is exasperating. If you were my sister OP you wouldn't see me for dust, sorry. I walked away from a few so called friends with views like yours and never looked back. Personally, I thought their lack of empathy went against the sisterhood and fwiw my heart STILL breaks that I never had a second successful pregnancy.

I'm wandering is it actually down to the sisters choices and that she stayed with that mnan. Maybe it is infertility issues . She's 44. There's still plenty fairly good chance of her having a baby at 44. I've heard of lots of ladies having a baby in their 40's. And when I had mine when I was 44 I didn't feel old conpared to the rest in the hospital

Your sister is being unreasonable. I can't have children, I am the oldest of 6 with 2 sisters and 3 brothers. I'm probably going to have to watch all of them have children. It will be hard, especially with my closest sister (only 14 months younger than me) but my pain is not a reason to make them suffer. They/you have done nothing wrong and whilst I am certain that my siblings will be mindful of my feelings, I would hate to be cut out of my niece/nephews life because of jealousy. She needs some therapy and you need some space. Her feelings will hopefully in time soften and she can become a great auntie. I have removed myself from family groups where pregnancies are constantly announced, and distanced myself a bit from my BIL and SIL when they fell pregnant with their miracle baby at 42, but now he is here and he is lovely again my emotions hace softened and I just want to be part of his life.
She will get there, In time hopefully. But she is being totally unreasonable to believe that you shouldnt have what she can't have just because you are sisters.... She probably already knows that though. ❤️ Good luck

Most of us have said things while angry or hurt using language that we later regret.

but it’s not equally spread out though. Some people routinely say things that damage their relationships while others are much more careful. And I haven’t read on here that her sister has ever apologised.

Being told by fertile supposed 'friends' who have never struggled to get pg or had a mc how we are supposed to feel is exasperating

it doesnt sound like you have told your pregnant sister that hearing about her pregnancy felt like a punch to the stomach along with all the other spiteful comments she’s made? With respect your experience isnt what is happening here. Women dont magically transform into Mary Mother of Jesus if they find themselves with less children than they had hoped for. Some of them were unkind people before about other things.

Crikey! This comment makes
me
think maybe you are not being quite as understanding as you believe yourself to be!!

@TheFunnyPoet

Congrats OP!

Some people are just bitter.

I’d reduce contact tbh, and take on some of your older sister’s attitude!!

He did have kids though.

Just leave her in peace. Her actions are saying she needs space away from you, so give her space. Don't foist your kids on her.

I am simply pointing out that just because you are suffering, there is no reason to take it out on other people.

And you do know that some people have really bad PMS or headaches, right? It can really destroy lives. People lose jobs, relationships, friends, and sleep over that.

It isn't a competition about who is worse off. Quite frankly, it seems to me that it is you who scoffs at other people's problems.

Now, let's not derail the thread.

Me and my 1st partner tried for years TTC… tests revealed he had about 5% sperm count that was swimming … we did 4 rounds of IVF, in the meantime everyone around me was having babies…. Me and my sister started TTC at the same time, she fell immediately and had her first baby and I wasn’t even pregnant… it was so hard BUT I had hope… after tests I just felt completely sucker punched but again still had hope and at 22 was told IVF would likely work as I was so healthy and young!! IT DIDNT!! Just as the final attempt failed my sister announced her 2nd pregnancy!

To be clear my siblings didn’t know at
this point that we were even trying or about the IVF… so my sister didn’t feel the need to walk on egg shells about her pregnancies… BUT when I eventually told my sister she said it made sense… she said that when she told my mum she was pregnant she could sense that my mum was thrilled but there was something off.. it made sense that her joy was dulled by having to tell me that my sister was was pregnant again after I’d failed for 4 years …
Anyway I did eventually conceive with a different partner, but only ever had one because his sperm wasn’t great either (I seem to pick them!!)…
I can’t say how I would have felt if my siblings had 4 children and I’d had none!….all 3 of my siblings only had 2 each!….
Anyway I always had the hope that I’d conceive either naturally and then with help while my older siblings were having children… so I was always happy for my siblings… if they were on my 4th I think I may have felt really upset though - like it was so unfair…. I wouldn’t be thinking you shouldn’t have 4, but I’d be thinking it was so unfair that I couldn’t even have one…

Your sister hasn’t actually said you shouldn’t have more has she? She’s just pointed out the obvious that this 4th is a real punch to her stomach - and it will be!!
she shouldn’t have even needed to tell you this - it should have been obvious to you that it would be.. and that’s not saying you shouldn’t have more not have had a 4th… but you maybe could have been more sensitive when announcing the pregnancy… you’re allowed to be elated, she’s allowed to be absolutely jealous that it’s you again and not her.
Tell her you feel awful that she hasn’t been able to be a mum, and tell her that you do try to be sensitive to her feelings, and understand if she needs a bit of space, but that you would absolitely love for her to be as involved as she wants to be (or not if she doesn’t)…
I also think that you should absolutely pull her up (gently) when she over steps…. Her comment about you being like rabbits for example….. maybe just a gentle ‘Sarah that’s really not appropriate!”…

As for her not leaving her ex, I think it’s easy
for others to say ‘that was her choice’… but I’m sure she was manipulated by him, and she probably feels even worse now knowing that she was fooled by him and has been tricked out of motherhood…. It’s a truly awful thing to have happened to her - we can all say that she shouldn’t have even have said at 30, right if we aren’t trying right now I’m leaving… but in reality we are often scared to leave, knowing that divorce, house splitting etc can get so messy… then the thought that you might not even meet someone else to have a baby with…. As you get older the available men already have kids and she clearly thought that would mean they wouldn’t want more (she told you that!)… so I think there’s a multitude of things happening here…

She didn’t leave her husband who didn’t want kids yet… because she believed that she wouldn’t find anyone else who would want kids anyway… then you found someone who already had children but STILL went on to have 4 more!.. so she’s full of utter regret for not leaving him.. she feels tricked by him.. he stole her fertile years with his ‘maybes’… eaxh year she stayed she felt less able to leave and find someone else…. He probably told her that everytime she mentioned it!

Maybe you could have a conversation some day with her about how awful he was to do that to her and sorry you feel you feel that that happened to her… no buts or talk about you… just one occasion where you truly listen and take on board how awful this is for her… no ‘but you can be an aunt, or I understand BUT… just listen to her… she will talk and talk and cry and probably eventually say she knows you shouldn’t have to go without for her… just listen to her, hug her and empathise - say you can’t even imagine how that felt…. Don’t pretend to understand.. because no one does.. and she needs you to admit that this is tough for her and that you can not possibly understand but are trying to!
If she decides to go low contact keep your side up, just a weekly text saying you’re there for her and hope she’s ok and your doors always open x if she doesn’t respond still keep up the texts, nothing about you, unless she asks, and as sad as that is for you, text everyone else your pregnancy news, and accept she’s just too fragile, it’s not that she’s not pleased for you, it’s that she’s feeling cheated and wants what you have! Desperately wants it!
She doesn’t want to be an aunt, she wants to be a mummy!

I think you’ve said she’s in a relationship now?… could she have a baby now? My friend had a baby at 43, another later than that… IVF an option? Fostering/adopting? And actually even if single could she have a baby alone? I had a friend who just decided that she wasn’t waiting for a man any longer so did it alone and loves it !

I have a child now - well a teenager - but I still occasionally feel sad that I couldn’t have more… and when my ex left us I do feel that I was cheated by 2 men from the family I wanted… but still so grateful to have 1… if she hadn’t come along I’d be desperately depressed now that I’d wasted my life on 2 men !

Good luck and congrats @TheFunnyPoet

Everyone deals differently with pain.

OP’s sister is going through a type of bereavement… and the steps of bereavement include anger. She needs someone who IS NOT @TheFunnyPoet to gently suggest to her that she needs counselling to help her through her feelings.
Not having children effects some women so deeply… some become that ‘crazy cat / dog woman we all know or of, some women become the doting auntie while others withdraw from children totally… my cousin just decided she hates kids as a way of coping.. has nothing to do with her nieces and nephews at all.. even says she doesn’t like them… my friend on the other hand used to take hers away for a week holiday and was like a second mother to them…
OP’s sister is hurting, needs love and understanding not judgement. Sure she needs her nastiness gently pointing out as being inappropriate and someone 💯 % needs to recommend counselling to her.. but she also needs time to deal with her feeing about this 4th baby… she probably thought that her little sister wouldn’t have anymore as she’s approaching 40… so this has also come as a bit of a shock…
OP is entitled to be happy, but her sister is entitled to feel sad/jealous… and hopefully she will move past these feelings and OP will be tolerant but firm.

i would definitely be telling sis that her comments are completely inappropriate and will only be tolerated for so long!

Yes agreed. I’ve been all sides of the coin and I can see it both ways, you just have to focus on you and your preg and your family and de-focus from what your sister is saying and experiencing.
this is your experience and hers is hers.
allow her her pain but you don’t have to be the one to hold it.
it’s very sad and very bad luck for her indeed

She's being a selfish brat!

You come across very insensitive

your poor sister, can understand if she doesn’t want to see you at this time

Offer to listen to your sibling express what they’re feeling = being a designated punchbag.
Just wow.

The sister told the OP she was being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one. Something she would never dare say to the other sister.
Just wow.

Alarmed by the number of posters who think it’s routine to be spiteful? I’ve faced my share of loses as we all have, but saying things I know are unkind as a way of coping? Nope. I’m an adult. And most adults aren’t spiteful either.

What like a " consolation" prize? That's a bit like rubbing it in her face isn't it "well I'm sorry you can't have the child you want but be happy I'm giving you a niece/ nephew"

Just no. Why would she be happy about that. I'm not fussed either way on my siblings kids and I didn't even have issues conceiving

I'd offer to be a surrogate for my sister in those circumstances.

Everyone goes through life with some kind of regret/ grief. Most people manage not to be spiteful about it.

Why surrogacy? Where would the foetus you are suggesting the OP should carry to birth going to come from? The OP is 38, has 3 children and is pregnant. When do you suggest she tries to become pregnant again in order to be a surrogate for her sister?

I said what I'd do.

You'd said what you'd do in these circumstances but in these circumstances it would make absolutely no sense and so would just add to the grief.