AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

Could you ask her to be Godmother?

Only you know how this would be received.

True to be honest but I guess I’ve always been happy for her and supported her. I think this will probably be the end of our relationship we won’t be as close that is fine. We have an older sister whose has 4 kids and she seems to resent her but our older sister is much more firm than I am she wouldn’t dare say the things she’s said to me to her.

Yanbu to have more babies but she's well within her rights to step back and you should and need to accept that this isn't about you it's about her.

My husband suggested that but I think that would upset her even more. There isn’t much I can do I will just have to give her space. I don’t get why she’s mad at me I’m not having children because she has not had children I’m having children because my husband and I want children.

All we’ve tried to do is be as kind as possible even when she has insulted me or our sex life surely it’s good that we still have sex aha but each to their own.

I'm not sure this is a 'swallow her pride' moment tbh OP

Of course you're 'allowed' to be happy that you're pregnant with a 4th planned child. Just as she's also 'allowed' to be suckerpunched by the news.

Each time you announce a pregnancy it brings into sharp focus her own lack of children, maybe she regrets the road she travelled to get to this point, but nothing can be done about it.

Show her as much compassion as you would wish to be shown in her shoes.

And whether she chooses no contact or not, her own feelings don't get to take the shine off your delight at your situation.

Neither of you are unreasonable really.

Your life continues and you wanted a big family. Congrats.

She is clearly very sad about not having children even if she’s expressing herself poorly.

Although some women have been known to do ivf at her age so unless she’s not shared everything she had time and possibly even still has time after her ex strung her along to try for a baby.

Exactly. Why is everyone attacking OP? OP’s sister had years and years to get her act together.

Agree I’ll let her do her own thing. I think she thinks it punishment but to be honest I’d like a bit of space from hearing about everyone having children to apparently spite her. Most of her friends have children every time they announce they’re expecting she sends me a snarky message about them so I wonder what she says about me to others. I think she needs to maybe try counselling.

Her bad choices are not your fault. She’s allowed to be sad, but she’s not allowed to blame you for her sadness. I would keep your distance a bit, and keep things surface level. If she notices and starts missing your old relationship, it’s up to her to untangle her thinking and repair things with you.

HRTFT but this is where you are being unreasonable. Nothing is stronger than her desire to have her own child. To see someone having four DC up close (more than double the average number) must hurt.
I would take her lead (in the future she might be a wonderful aunt), and be considerate of her feelings.
Is she still trying to get pregnant?

I think in pulling back she's inadvertently done you a favour.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.

Leave your sister to her own devices and enjoy your anticipation of the new baby. You can't constrain your own life choices because your sister stayed with a bloke who didn't want children. It is sad that she's hurt, but she had agency.

Nephews and nieces can be a constant reminder of what you can’t have yourself. I always wanted children, DSis wasn’t as bothered until she decided she was, then she popped out two in quick succession. Although I was happy for her, it was still hard to see. I did eventually have DC of my own, but still remember the longing that was provoked by seeing other people having babies when I couldn’t. You want your own children, not access to other people’s.
Of course you celebrate your own new pregnancy, you absolutely should! Just try to give her a bit of space and understanding. Although your mother is bang out of order and should be supportive to both of you.

I don’t get why she’s mad at me

She's not 'mad at you'.

She's living with a heart wrenching sadness that she knows is because she stayed in the that relationship too long. As someone else pointed out, she is child free through choice because it was her choice to stay with a man she knew wasn't going to agree to children. She's angry at him for not wanting chidlren butnhe's notnaround to he angry at. And she's demonstrably angry towards you because all those feelings have to go somewhere, you're a constant reminder of what she could have had had she chosen differently.

Tbh, I'm surprised you don't actually see that for yourself.

ETA: none of that justifies what she is doing or saying, mind. And maybe your mum needs to he reminded it was your sister's choice to stay with him.

So she has two sisters, both of whom have had four children while she has none? And she’s buying Christmas and birthday presents for eight children, each one a sharp little reminder of what’s apparently been so easy for you, but not for her?

involuntary childlessness has its own special kind of irrational pain, especially when it’s spiked with ‘woulda should coulda’ regret at time running out. You both probably need to give each other space to live your very different lives at this point: neither of you are unreasonable in your own contexts, just in each others.

She's blaming you for her poor life choices and mourning the result. Sounds like she stayed with the ex too long. And then she shacked up with a guy who already has children and presumably doesn't want any more. It doesn't sound like she ever found out that she wasn't able to have children.

I do hope her step children are not aware of her issues.

Way to make it all about you, OP. Can you really not show any empathy for your sister who is clearly grieving the children she couldn't have, while you get to cuddle with 4 of your own? It's perfectly reasonable for her to be hurt and upset, and if you were a decent human you'd understand that and do whatever you could to support her while she has to watch you grow another baby she won't get to have.

Go have as many kids as you like, no doubt she is hurting, and really she shouldn't say it to you, but try not to hold it against her. They need to be seen as two different things.

Unfortunately it is what it is. Neither of you are wrong and you can't reason with someone who desperately wants a baby and can't for whatever reason they're ruled by their longing and tbh it sounds like it runs deeper than that. She doesn't sound like a nice person in general and tbh in your shoes I'd stop being nice and telling her where to get off or to stay out of your life.

I have to say, OP, you really dont get it, and nor can you. Speaking as a woman going through infertility, I don't believe that a woman who has children can ever fully get it. But maybe you need to put some perspective onto this - do you really think her hurtful comments* to you can ever compare to her feelings? If, as it sounds will be the case, she NEVER has children, she will have to deal with this pain and longing for the rest of her life. That feeling of grief/loss is simply not comparable to some snippy comments or something similar that you're experiencing from her. Her loss/pain is far greater than whatever you are feeling from her. Obviously it is not your FAULT that she feels this way but you ARE making her life more difficult (or feel more difficult to her) by having so many children particularly when it seems so be happening so easily. That's not something you can control or should change but it is a fact that many, many women in her position would feel the same.

I still remember 8 years ago (already going through infertility then) my sister saying in a group chat with me and our mum how she was feeling really down and emotional that this was going to be their last baby and they'd never have another. My baby nephew was a few weeks old and I was astounded at the insensitivity that she could have said this, knowing what I was going through (I can only assume her hormones made her forget).. I didnt comment or cause an argument but I never forgot.

*not that I am saying her comments are ok

You are not wrong for feeling what you are feeling and she is not wrong for feeling what she is feeling. She is however wrong for saying those hurtful things to you. You do not have to retaliate with equally hurtful things though (like what you wrote above about her choosing the man over leaving and having babies). Just because she has mouth diarrhea doesn't mean you have to.

I found it hard when my sibling had 3 children, whilst I had none. However I adored my nieces and decided if I didn't have children I would be the best aunt I could be.
Fortunately I did go on to have children but still adore my nieces and have a close relationship with them.
Your sister made her choices and she has to accept the consequences of that rather than take it out on you when you do have children.

I think she is being a bit unreasonable. She is probably not childless because she can't have children but because she left it too late. That was a choice she made to stay with a man who dithered. She is being totally ridiculous saying you are insensitive having a fourth.

Surely you can understand that having nieces and nephews is not the same thing as having your own child?

Rosiestraws

That sounds incredibly painful.

The OP's sister isnt dealing with infertility, though. She made a choice to stay with a man/men who didn't want children. She could have made a different choice.

Her pain might be understandable but I dont think it excuses the comments.

I don’t full understand as I have not experienced that but I have been very supportive of her and trying to be as understanding as I can be. It’s also sometimes good to recognise that an adult has chosen their own path, she isn’t infertile she had a partner for years who strung her along and she chose to stay even after advice from friends, my and our sister. The part where I do feel sorry for her is the fact that he remarried and has two children with someone else.

Her comments to me haven’t always been nice but even through that I stayed supportive. She messages me often about her friends some are having children/has children one recently announced the birth of her son and my sister sent me such a horrible message about her but then on Facebook commented how happy she is for her etc. I don’t think that’s a nice person no matter how much pain you’re going through. It made me realise she’s probably saying worse things about me than she has said to my face.

I haven’t said anything like that to her. I don’t even ask her to get them Christmas gifts or birthday gifts. As my sister has 4 children that would be a lot of gifts. I’ve always maintained that if she wants to get then something it needs to be small enough to fit in a stocking etc. Her life doesn’t revolve around hearing about my children or doing anything for my children.