AIBU to think my sister overreacted to my 11 year old's attitude?

[samwiggle9]

I've just got off a holiday with my sister and her family... For context my son is 11 and he is currently going through an attitudey pedantic stage and I'm in no way saying he's a angel. But occasion he can be snappy and barky and a bit of a no it all...as the back story on our last day we were on the beach and he had a snorkel on and he jumped in the sea (I told him not to do it with the snorkle on but he did it anyway) anyway after he jumped in he panicked and couldn't breath properly. Obviously everything was fine but he was upset there were tears but I consoled him explained why it happened and he wasn't going to do it again.
When we were leaving her son laughed at him about it. My son said it wasn't funny..... now he did have attitude in his voice like I said he's no angel so I went round to tell him to calm down.. my sister stepped in front of me and screamed in my son's face that her son was just making a joke and he's not going to get far with an attitude like that... I took my son away from the situation and told him to calm down (I'm more of a explainer and reasoner when trying to teach him) as I was walking away I heard my sister telling her son to stay away from mine. I did say to her look he is still just 11 years old. Your being ridiculous and then she went in a mood and the kids say on there tablets for the rest of the day.... As I've got back off holiday I've been thinking about other moments on the holiday where they've full on over reacted about his attitude. Like I said he's no angel but her and her husband literally have created there own narrative... Like when we're waiting to get on the plane my son said I want the window seat... Her husband was muttering about being spoke to like a piece of shit and he'll fing sit where he sits, fin telling me where I'm sitting... Or when we were taking off my son and her husband were bickering over whether we were on the run way or the taxi way, and instead of her husband just explaining why he was wrong it turned into the it is, it isn't, it is, it isn't argument and then he was just like why isn't he listening to me... In hindsight I just think what's wrong with explaining?
Now I'm sat at home ive barely slept for 2 days because I feel like I've let my son down and should of stepped in more?
Personally for me I don't feel like you need to shout at a child for her them to understand the situation and why as a fully grown adult they can't control there anger and shout/moan and get attitudey while screaming at a child for having attitude? I know I'm not wrong here but I feel like I needed some validation that they took it too far.
Also I have had a word with my son that while he does need to work on his tone of voice and the way he's speaking and that wasn't ok it was also not ok for her to do that.

Yeah but OP this is mumsnet, people don’t know you. They can only go off what you tell them, and in your original post you detailed a number of times when you said yourself that your DS had attitude.

I’m going to bed now but I suppose I’m trying to say that I don’t think your reactions on this thread have been very helpful because you’ve just been so angry and jumping down people’s throats.

As I keep saying, I think you are right about the overall thing. But reading your posts made me less convinced about that, not more. I kept thinking ‘whoa hang on’ every time you posted, and the tension jsut kept ramping up.

The number of times they had problems with his attitude I mentioned one was the airplane seat thing which there wasn't really any attitude it was all the kids wanting a seat when there was only 2 seats going and mine was used as the scape goat, his tone was not aggressive or attitudey when the seat thing was going on but I just thought I'm not letting this turn into a drama when it really doesn't need to be hes not having the seat. Number two. He was told to stop chewing a can. He said I'm not chewing the can (he had it resting on his face near his mouth, I stepped in and said you know what he meant stop it and put it in the bin) number three I asked what particular character was he said it was silly character of Roblox.... He was told that the games he plays are just stupid. Number four was the sea incident and then number five was the runway incident which again been mentioned... So while I recognise that his behaviour wasn't exactly perfection in these moments but I did step in and tell him when needed and he didn't do them again. is the evaluation really from those occasions he's a rude child and he's ruined the holiday really a fair representation on him? Because that's the vibe I'm getting from all the posts so yes I am a bit defensive because I only post what he did in that moment because the rest of it was irrelevant in what I was asking..
I'm precise about it because again the memory just keeps thinking of the interactions and trying to gage whether my sister actually just doesnt like him or it's a representation of everything else going on

Ok, I read your original post. I think your sister over stepped by raising her voice at your son. I am saying raising her voice because I wasn’t there and it’s your perspective that she was screaming. Not saying I do not believe you but everyone’s perspective of ‘screaming’ is different. Your next lengthy comment I stopped reading not even half way through you were point scoring and in all honestly I am never interested in point scoring especially when it comes to children.

Your child is 11 years old they have not been a toddler for many years and the behaviour you described, described just that. And where your style of parenting ‘explaining etc’ is very useful with toddlers works, they get to an age where explaining and that passive style of parenting no longer works. I do feel you haven’t adjusted your parenting style accordingly to your child’s ages as they have grown up and entered different stages of their childhood. Which has resulted in a difficult child whose behaviour is rather challenging, possibly more challenging for others than yourself. You are use to their attitude your sister and family are not. You will have a higher tolerance level than them.

I’m sorry but you need to up your game a little adjust what is acceptable your child is 11 not 3. As for holidaying together again I wouldn’t.

Please ignore this poster!

Sounds to me like you sis and brother in law have negative view if your son. Never go on holiday with them again.

your sister did overstep if she really screamed in his face, but others are less tolerant to your child than you are, as you found with your sisters kids behaviour. Pre teen cheek can be more irritating than younger children having a tantrum.

OP this isn’t the place to get a balanced discussion. People will automatically turn against the OP, almost whatever they say. It’s just how it works here. There are other more reflective boards to discuss this stuff.

Screaming in his face is obviously not ok, but if he's been 'explained' at every time he has an attitude and it's not sinking in, perhaps he needs a firmer approach sometimes. If he's of a pedantic mindset, explaining why he's wrong is an open invitation for him to try to talk his way out of his poor behaviour; it's possibly become a bit of a game to him.

It sounds like a nightmare together. Just dont holiday together again The kids all sound 'at that age' and just pure annoying

You sit in your assigned seat they have allocated seating and manifests for a reason if he didnt have a window seat allocated tough luck same for the other kids !
Your son sounds hard work and you're doing that gentle parenting thing , yeah ive seen how that ends up there's times for explaining and times for discipline , I also doubt she screamed in his face she may of raised her voice or shouted but thats entirely different to screaming .
Id advise not going away with them again problem solved .

Why? Luck of the draw for the first post to kick the OP around.

She hasn’t reacted ‘furiously’ but ‘defensively’ which is natural when certain posters seem to delight in encouraging child abuse as ‘discipline’