AIBU to think my sister overreacted to my 11 year old's attitude?

[samwiggle9]

I've just got off a holiday with my sister and her family... For context my son is 11 and he is currently going through an attitudey pedantic stage and I'm in no way saying he's a angel. But occasion he can be snappy and barky and a bit of a no it all...as the back story on our last day we were on the beach and he had a snorkel on and he jumped in the sea (I told him not to do it with the snorkle on but he did it anyway) anyway after he jumped in he panicked and couldn't breath properly. Obviously everything was fine but he was upset there were tears but I consoled him explained why it happened and he wasn't going to do it again.
When we were leaving her son laughed at him about it. My son said it wasn't funny..... now he did have attitude in his voice like I said he's no angel so I went round to tell him to calm down.. my sister stepped in front of me and screamed in my son's face that her son was just making a joke and he's not going to get far with an attitude like that... I took my son away from the situation and told him to calm down (I'm more of a explainer and reasoner when trying to teach him) as I was walking away I heard my sister telling her son to stay away from mine. I did say to her look he is still just 11 years old. Your being ridiculous and then she went in a mood and the kids say on there tablets for the rest of the day.... As I've got back off holiday I've been thinking about other moments on the holiday where they've full on over reacted about his attitude. Like I said he's no angel but her and her husband literally have created there own narrative... Like when we're waiting to get on the plane my son said I want the window seat... Her husband was muttering about being spoke to like a piece of shit and he'll fing sit where he sits, fin telling me where I'm sitting... Or when we were taking off my son and her husband were bickering over whether we were on the run way or the taxi way, and instead of her husband just explaining why he was wrong it turned into the it is, it isn't, it is, it isn't argument and then he was just like why isn't he listening to me... In hindsight I just think what's wrong with explaining?
Now I'm sat at home ive barely slept for 2 days because I feel like I've let my son down and should of stepped in more?
Personally for me I don't feel like you need to shout at a child for her them to understand the situation and why as a fully grown adult they can't control there anger and shout/moan and get attitudey while screaming at a child for having attitude? I know I'm not wrong here but I feel like I needed some validation that they took it too far.
Also I have had a word with my son that while he does need to work on his tone of voice and the way he's speaking and that wasn't ok it was also not ok for her to do that.

It sounds like your son was being a pain in the arse on the holiday and your sister eventually snapped and lost her temper. Obviously it's not ok to scream in his face but she's probably been biting her tongue for days!

OP, I'm not really sure what you want from this thread.

Maybe just chalk it up to experience and holiday independently?

So she has three young children, is a loud shouty parent.

Come on op she’s clearly got a zero tolerance for other people’s kids bullshit after dealing with hers.

Doesn’t make her right to scream in a face doesn’t mean your kid isn’t annoying though.

Doesn’t sound like you like her very much anyway so why holiday together.

It sounds like no one covered themselves in any glory. Holidaying with another family can be testing.

Your DS and BIL parent differently to you, and that’s fine but the close confines of a holiday will mean that you will drive each other up the wall.

You just have to make sure you don’t holiday together in the future.

I have various friends and family members that I love dearly but would never go on holiday with.

I have been on holiday with an 11 year old boy who never gets told off, is given a rationale for their bad behaviour every time rather than being told not to do it, and wants everything and gets it. It is fucking maddening to be honest.

Did your son get the window seat?

I think maybe just don't go on holiday together, it is always tricky!

Sounds like my idea of hell on earth. Just holiday separately. Everyone always thinks their child is (mostly) in the right and every mother wants to protect their own child. It's a story as old as time.

Honestly, you sound as bad as each other. She needs to chill out, you need to discipline your kid.

You sound abit hard work tbh. I’m not sure you want anybody’s advice or opinion- your hell bent you and yours are correct. It’s unlikely either party will want to holiday together again. Just let it go.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have a similar situation in my own family.

My nephew has had a few "moments", shall we say? Nothing extreme but my BIL and his wife have decided he is a spoiled brat and take everything the poor child does personally. He gets along with me and my kids no problem.

Your BIL's reaction to the window seat comment is wild. They both need to chill the fuck out.

All I can say is... I'm very glad I wasn't in the same resort as all of you.
Sound like an utter nightmare.

Other people's children are always more irritating than your own, and holidays can bring out the worst in people.

I had a very similar scenario with my sister when DS was at a similar age, and I took it as a cue to holiday separately from then onwards. We had a much better time either just us or holidaying with more like-minded friends, and got on much better with my sister in smaller doses.

Not really sure what you want from this thread OP as you must surely already know the answer to your specific question? No, your DSis should not have stepped in front of you and 'screamed at your son'. That really is unpleasant behaviour and YANBU.

Seems like DSis and her DH have to constantly referee their own children and do that in their particular way and disagree with how you discipline your own child. They may be the type of people who believe a child isn't being disciplined 'properly' unless they're being screamed and shouted at.

Maybe they felt the way you discipline is ineffective. They judge you for your parenting, just as you seem to be judging them.

Probably best not to holiday together in future!

Should your sister have "screamed in his face" - probably not

Was it a good idea that your sister had to give the kids some space from each other for a bit - yes

Should you have belittled and undermined your sister in front of the kids by telling her she was being "ridiculous" - definitely not. How is your son going to speak to her or anyone else with respect if you are modelling put downs and belittling as appropriate problem solving ? Why not just give everyone some space and sort it out respectfully as adults when the kids are in bed.

Did you think about whether her shouting could have come from fear at the fact that your kid could literally drown if he doesn't start doing as he's told.

Her DH doesn't sound ideal in the way he talks to kids, but your DS seems unbothered and just keeps on arguing instead of doing as he's told.

I hate the "She/he is not angel" line.

It's nearly always used to excuse bad behaviour.

To be honest, I think your family were just sick of his attitude and disobedience and the stress just came to a head.

Definitely separate holidays from now on, or at least until your son is older and easier to get along with.

It sounds like your child is the oldest OP so they probably expect more from him. I don't think anyone should be screaming in his face though. Yes, correct him in a firm way but but no screaming necessary. Holidays can be stressful and with 3 younger kids your sis etc were probably stressed plus when you are all together you can annoy eachother. Chalk it up to a bad experience and holiday separately in future.

I have had issues growing up with a step parent who would hit the roof at any "attitude". The problem is, for a child, it can be genuinely hard to know exactly what you did wrong. So everything being fine (from the child's perspective) or even a bit upset but thinking they are hiding it well/not throwing a tantrum. And suddenly the adult is having a go for their tone. The end result if it's allowed to continue is children grow up not knowing how to ask for things, discuss their wants without walking in eggshells.

Sometimes children are deliberately arsey. But sometimes they will say things "I want the window seat" rather than "please if absolutely no-one else minds I would prefer the window seat" because they are excited/not thinking. Or because that is a more normal way families talk rather than in more formal situations. In that case the correct response is to tell them the way they phrased it was rude. Not start muttering fucking this at them. Likewise, even with adults I've had to check they aren't pissed of if they say something to me in a slightly annoyed tone. I wouldn't scream in their face about their attitude.

Based on what you have said your kid sounds fine BTW. Of course you need to parent them. But that's telling them they can't have the window seat this time. Not acting like they murdered your grandmother.

I couldn't agree more. Also, the runway/taxi argument? Can you imagine going back and forth with a child like this over something so pointless?

My response would have been, "Oh, are we?" then moved on. Petty adults are much worse than grumpy children.

Yeah, a child that is a "know it all" is basically a child that is excited about sharing their knowledge of the world around them with adults. Yes it can be annoying, especially when they don't know it all, or are telling you things they learnt in school you already know. But it isn't a sign of deep character flaws or poor parenting.

Or they could be a know it all like the insufferable Sheldon Cooper… and don’t deliver their knowledge for the benefit of others, but as a “I’m so much better than you!” stance…

And that would make you feel what? Competitive, Angry? That's mature.

It's an 11 year old kid, get over yourself.

Yes, but the child in question is eleven years old! As adults yes there are people who are assholes, or poorly socialised (not taught to reign it in) or autistic. Which is basically Sheldon Cooper. His whole deal is that he is not just an asshole though he comes across as such sometimes.

I think the immediate assumption that a child telling you how oxbow lakes are formed or the difference between taxi-way and runway is taking an "I'm much better than you stance" says more about the adult. I would tell a child there's a time and place if needed (if it was my place to if it was someone else child I probably wouldn't bother) but I would never assume it's because they think they are better than me and label them insufferable. That's actually a really horrible attitude to take to a still very young child.

Your son sounds like hard work. Best go away without other people in future.

My friends five year old was telling me about the new paw patrol recently. I'm trying to imagine going "oh yeah, think you know more than me just because you know what sort of dog the firefighting one is do you??? It's a Dalmatian, everyone knows it's a Dalmatian! You aren't as clever as you think missy". Even if that was an unspoken, internal monologue on my part it would be unhinged.

I fear people like this may exist.

Hi. I adopted two children who have a lot of additional needs and I have been astonished at how most of my husband's family treat them - no understanding whatsoever. My family have been much more welcoming- and before we adopted I was sure it would be the opposite way round.

Of course, my husband's family is full of kids who are now adults who frankly have loads of issues. Some are actually estranged. Their parents could not cope with any deviations from what they wanted/expected.

It is no consolation to you now though. I would suggest you don't socialise much in future with your sister. For whatever reason she can't cope with your son and you don't need to expose him to that.

Some children are trickier than others. Do you have any particular concerns about your son? X