AIBU to think my sister overreacted to my 11 year old's attitude?

[samwiggle9]

I've just got off a holiday with my sister and her family... For context my son is 11 and he is currently going through an attitudey pedantic stage and I'm in no way saying he's a angel. But occasion he can be snappy and barky and a bit of a no it all...as the back story on our last day we were on the beach and he had a snorkel on and he jumped in the sea (I told him not to do it with the snorkle on but he did it anyway) anyway after he jumped in he panicked and couldn't breath properly. Obviously everything was fine but he was upset there were tears but I consoled him explained why it happened and he wasn't going to do it again.
When we were leaving her son laughed at him about it. My son said it wasn't funny..... now he did have attitude in his voice like I said he's no angel so I went round to tell him to calm down.. my sister stepped in front of me and screamed in my son's face that her son was just making a joke and he's not going to get far with an attitude like that... I took my son away from the situation and told him to calm down (I'm more of a explainer and reasoner when trying to teach him) as I was walking away I heard my sister telling her son to stay away from mine. I did say to her look he is still just 11 years old. Your being ridiculous and then she went in a mood and the kids say on there tablets for the rest of the day.... As I've got back off holiday I've been thinking about other moments on the holiday where they've full on over reacted about his attitude. Like I said he's no angel but her and her husband literally have created there own narrative... Like when we're waiting to get on the plane my son said I want the window seat... Her husband was muttering about being spoke to like a piece of shit and he'll fing sit where he sits, fin telling me where I'm sitting... Or when we were taking off my son and her husband were bickering over whether we were on the run way or the taxi way, and instead of her husband just explaining why he was wrong it turned into the it is, it isn't, it is, it isn't argument and then he was just like why isn't he listening to me... In hindsight I just think what's wrong with explaining?
Now I'm sat at home ive barely slept for 2 days because I feel like I've let my son down and should of stepped in more?
Personally for me I don't feel like you need to shout at a child for her them to understand the situation and why as a fully grown adult they can't control there anger and shout/moan and get attitudey while screaming at a child for having attitude? I know I'm not wrong here but I feel like I needed some validation that they took it too far.
Also I have had a word with my son that while he does need to work on his tone of voice and the way he's speaking and that wasn't ok it was also not ok for her to do that.

This reads like you’re downplaying your sons behaviour through the day and exaggerating your sisters response.

Was your son an annoying little 💩 all day and everyone had enough of your soft parenting ?

or was your son a little 💩 all day and you’re exaggerating the “screaming and shouting” part.

Your responses suggest you are seeking validation and you aren't interested in different perspectives. For what its worth though, my opinion from what you have described is your son is as you describe going through a phase, but it's a phase that is irritating to others to be around for a prolonged period and your sister had clearly had enough. I would be exhausted listening to you constantly arguing, negotiating and explaining every instruction to your son.

The window seat response from your sister makes me think they perceive your son as spoiled and entitled.

Hopefully it is a short lived phase!

Maybe you should stick to your own family holidays from here onwards until your kids grow out of the attitude phase. I wouldnt tolerate anyone screaming in my kids face. Was she actually s reaming or is that an exaggeration because im imagining red faced screaming with is really strange.

No there is no exaggeration in my post it has been written as it exactly played out. I'm not a sugar coater I say it exactly as it is. However if I point out that she spent most of the morning shouting at her three for various reasons I get told I'm judging her parenting. If I point out her kids behaviour I'm thinking mines better then hers when this is not that case, kids are kids and they all have to learn. If I point out that all kids have there moments and they're not angels 24/7 I'm blind to my child's behaviour. He made a rude comment about a window seat that's code for he walks around talking to everyone like their dirt on the bottom of his shoe and we all need to do his bidding. He did one thing I asked him not to do so naturally he did this all week and I'm a doormat. I prefer to explain rather then scream that's idiotic parenting. I come back with sarcasm and that's me being argumentive.

What I've taken from this whole thread is if a child gets annoyed that's absolutely unacceptable but if an adult screams in someone's face that's ok because the person 3 times younger is annoying because being pedantic a couple of times is going to turn him in to an absolutely disgusting human being.

The whole point of my post has nothing to do with behaviours or why it played out but more to do with a fully grown adult screaming in his face, and yes this was screaming it wasn't shouting, it was moaning it was screaming..I could live with shouting but screaming in his face seems excessively harsh for a simple parenting situation but hey what do I know just my idiotic parenting coming into play.

I get it my child is absolute monster and I need to verbally abuse him some more I'll work on it

The OP’s DS didn’t get the window seat! It seems that posters are really not reading what she actually said and are inventing their own narrative so they can say how badly behaved her DS is!

That said, it just sounds like the holiday from hell, and you should holiday separately in future.

Your kid will likely grow out of it. Hes only 11.

Why didnt you say something if she was screaming? Was this in public as surely other people would have intervened seeing this happening.

Yes it was full on screaming and I was more shell shocked in the moment because I've never had the need to scream in anyones face let alone a child.

If my sister screamed in my child’s face I would be having very strong words with her. Regardless of the child’s behaviour. I would then talk to my child afterwards the same as you did and explain x y z. But your sister is a twat.

Your poor kid. I think i would have been shocked seeing this happening too. It sounds like you all had a really bad time. Your sister sounds like she needs some help controlling herself because screaming like that is unhinged.

Nobody likes a bickering know it all regardless of their age. I suspect they just got sick of his attitude.
You need to speak to your son and explain how his attitude can affect relationships.
But equally your nephew was out of order and your sister should have told him to stop.
Sounds like you were all getting on each other's nerves and you should probably avoid a holiday together again but instead see each other in small doses

He's 11, nearly 12 about to start secondary school so he's been a bit attitudey for about 2/3 months id say so he's not been a monster for 11 years.
I told him that he needed to calm down to watch his tone and to go upstairs (there was nothing to do upstairs so not exactly a walk in the park) he came back after I dunno 20 mins and spent the afternoon in the pool by himself. We didn't discuss the screaming because while a..I don't want him to think it's ok to be rude in a response but b. I didn't want him to think he shouldnt take any notice of her.... But at the same time I think it was too far
In the run up to this there's other things happening with her kids which probably sparked the over reaction but to me you don't need to scream to get your point across.
There was people watching, but we all just walked off because it was embarrassing and I honestly didn't really know what to do.

I’m sorry OP, it sounds really tricky. I’d be having words with my sister, regardless of DS behaviour, as that’s not right. Sorry that you both had to deal with that.

But I’m really interested in your reactions on this thread. From the very first post which said you were being unreasonable, you’ve reacted furiously, taking the most extreme reading of the poster’s message. It read to me not like someone who was interested in different perspectives, but someone who is interested in being right.

it started BANG on the first post. Why do you think that is?

Your child sounds rude, your sister and her dh where fed up of him and your overly nicey nicey parenting.
Go on separate holidays from now on.

I love how the story grows and the sisters kids get worse behaved every time OP comments. If you don't want peoples opinions and can't take negativity don't post in the first place. Your son sounds like he needs some "reasonable chastisement" or as I call it "something to cry about" , he sounds entitled and clearly doesn't listen to you as whatever punishment you used clearly isn't a deterrent for his abhorrent behavior and attitude.

Probably because I started it in the middle of the night when I was overthinking and getting annoyed about it and off the bat I was told my parenting is bad and he doesn't listen to me and he should go to my sister because she's worried about his safety? And it's ok for an adult to swear about a seat because my child is entitled and demands his seat.... How would you take that?
And since then the posts have clearly indicated the reactions were perfectly acceptable because the child in this scenario was annoying them all week when this was not the case it was 2 scenarios in the entire week.

My child is not rude majority of the time everything is nearly always followed by please thank you. I can buy him a drink and it's always followed with a thank you. I hand him his dinner plate and it's followed with a thank you. I can tell him no your no having this and it's always followed with a ok.
However sometimes I can say your not doing this and it's followed with a why.... Or don't do that and it's followed with a what am I doing. I don't understand why I have to give a completely background story that this isn't a regular occurrence which is why I'm just like what on earth is this about.

I can’t imagine where he gets his attitude from 🙄🙄🙄

What I find happens on MN is that many posters read the first 20 responses, then jump on the bandwagon.

If an adult yelled at my child because they didn't like their tone of voice, I wouldn't have been as nice as you were. I doubt any of the posters calling your child a shit would have put up with that either.

People talk the biggest load of shite on this site.

Don’t worry OP trust your instincts.
It sounds to me like your sister is taking the frustration she feels with her own children out on your son.
This has happened to me before and it’s horrible. Parents being more protective and forgiving towards their own children and directing their frustrations towards other children because they find it harder to confront their own children’s bad behaviour.

I wonder if id of started this post of with every single time her kids played up and left mine out of it now different the responses would be but to me there behaviour is irrelevant to the scenario.
Kids are challenging it's what they do. If other kids were born and grew up absolutely perfect kudos to them.

And this isn't a her kids are naughtier then mine. It's a point that mine wasn't being a menace while they were being cherubs spoiling there peace

You all sound about 12 tbh.

If I was you I’d go on holidays with my own child in future and leave my sister to do the same until you’ve all learnt to grow up.

Most kids do act up on holiday. It can be a pain in the arse.

But as adults, it's up to us to roll our eyes together and move things along. Your sister and BIL just made things harder because they acted like kids themselves.

Don't go away with them again.

Why are people insisting on believing the worst possible interpretation of the OP’s DS’s behaviour? Is it any wonder that she’s become defensive? (Which she is being, but the reason is obvious.)

I'm aware I'm being defensive but because the whole tone of the holiday rests on the 11 year olds shoulders on how he reacted in two moments caused the entirety of his life to being bad to the bone.
If a child acts out do we scream at them or parent them?

But my point OP, said with genuine positive intent rather than to make a point, is that you jumped on the first poster, taking an extreme interpretation of their comments and making it quite explosive.

They said your son sounded rude and entitled (which is not an unreasonable position to take from your OP, though I think your later posts correct that framing), and they also said that your nephew needed speaking to as well.

Your first reaction was to say: “So what I'm hearing is despite that when I take an explaining tactic 9 times out 10 he does actually take on board what I'm saying but now when he has attitude I should scream in his face instead and that should do the trick?”

Nobody was saying you should scream in his face. It escalated way before you then got a later pile-on.

I mention this not for some gotcha moment but because it’s a really defensive reaction, and I wondered if that vibe had carried through into your real life interactions with your family.

for clarity, I don’t think anyone should ever scream in someone’s face and it’s a sign of emotional immaturity and a lack of emotional regulation. We are all human, of course, but adults shouldn’t be doing it and your Dsis should apologise.

But your reaction to any different perspectives is also quite extreme

My real life interactions I just stood there. At 1.40 in the morning I had already been overthinking and getting quite annoyed about the situation. I believe I've already mentioned this as well but I can look at the whole situation and figure out how the whole situation played out but the reason for the post was the screaming.
The context was put in there because obviously screaming at him because he was rude is entirely different to screaming at him because he was running at someone with a knife. (Extreme comparisons I know) To me him having attitude is not acceptable and he was sent to the room and told why, it didn't warrant the full on screaming which was the point of the whole thing..I didn't feel that giving a run down on whether he was rude at every conversation was relevant.. That was the whole point of the post. I do not understand why the fact he made the rude comment is the be all of the comments as though that's the main problem when it wasn't. If he was constantly rude I'd be like yeah got a point but he's not, generally he's polite well mannered and does as he's told. On occasion he doesn't. Like I said I'm aware he's not angel but as a whole he's well behaved. To be told straight away he's flat out rude based of one interaction when that wasn't the point of the post
If someone stood in front of me and said hey your child is horrible id also just stand there and then complain later so no I wouldn't of done that there and then..even when I said he's eleven your being ridiculous was said a couple minutes after when the kids were dispersing not in the moment.