AIBU to think my sister overreacted to my 11 year old's attitude?

[samwiggle9]

I've just got off a holiday with my sister and her family... For context my son is 11 and he is currently going through an attitudey pedantic stage and I'm in no way saying he's a angel. But occasion he can be snappy and barky and a bit of a no it all...as the back story on our last day we were on the beach and he had a snorkel on and he jumped in the sea (I told him not to do it with the snorkle on but he did it anyway) anyway after he jumped in he panicked and couldn't breath properly. Obviously everything was fine but he was upset there were tears but I consoled him explained why it happened and he wasn't going to do it again.
When we were leaving her son laughed at him about it. My son said it wasn't funny..... now he did have attitude in his voice like I said he's no angel so I went round to tell him to calm down.. my sister stepped in front of me and screamed in my son's face that her son was just making a joke and he's not going to get far with an attitude like that... I took my son away from the situation and told him to calm down (I'm more of a explainer and reasoner when trying to teach him) as I was walking away I heard my sister telling her son to stay away from mine. I did say to her look he is still just 11 years old. Your being ridiculous and then she went in a mood and the kids say on there tablets for the rest of the day.... As I've got back off holiday I've been thinking about other moments on the holiday where they've full on over reacted about his attitude. Like I said he's no angel but her and her husband literally have created there own narrative... Like when we're waiting to get on the plane my son said I want the window seat... Her husband was muttering about being spoke to like a piece of shit and he'll fing sit where he sits, fin telling me where I'm sitting... Or when we were taking off my son and her husband were bickering over whether we were on the run way or the taxi way, and instead of her husband just explaining why he was wrong it turned into the it is, it isn't, it is, it isn't argument and then he was just like why isn't he listening to me... In hindsight I just think what's wrong with explaining?
Now I'm sat at home ive barely slept for 2 days because I feel like I've let my son down and should of stepped in more?
Personally for me I don't feel like you need to shout at a child for her them to understand the situation and why as a fully grown adult they can't control there anger and shout/moan and get attitudey while screaming at a child for having attitude? I know I'm not wrong here but I feel like I needed some validation that they took it too far.
Also I have had a word with my son that while he does need to work on his tone of voice and the way he's speaking and that wasn't ok it was also not ok for her to do that.

Your son sounds like hard work. They were not enjoying his company and had had enough by that point. Your ‘explaining’ technique doesn’t seem to be working, he’s rude, entitled and ignores your requests to behave.

Your DSis’s son didn’t make a joke he laughed to get the reaction he did. He likes the drama. He needs pulling up on his behaviour too.

So what I'm hearing is despite that when I take an explaining tactic 9 times out 10 he does actually take on board what I'm saying but now when he has attitude I should scream in his face instead and that should do the trick?

Just to clarify I can tell you the 6 times in the span of a week he had attitude and why.... But I could also point out the multiple times a day her children playing up, hit adults, threw tantrums, cried when the didn't get there way and said no when asked to behave multiple times however this wasn't a post asking for parenting advice it was a post to ask is it acceptable for a grown adult to scream in a child's face because they have attitude because to me that is not sending the correct message on how to regulate your emotions?

And as for the window seat thing. There was actually no attitude when this was taking place there was 4 kids and 2 window seat and they all wanted the window seat. They all said I want the window seat

It sounds like they were hard on him. I wouldn't be going on holiday with them again.

They did not take it too far.
Your son is a difficult character and your DSis and her DH and DC found it hard to spend so much time witnessing how he challenges every simple instruction and how you spend so much time explaining situations. They did their best.

Your son survived and probably benefitted when given strict boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

He is a school boy not a toddler.
He should take direction from his mother about water safety.
Can you send DS to stay with his Aunt for a week? At least expect more from him, OP.

It sounds like you and your sister would be better going on separate family holidays from now on. This isn't working, clearly.

Your "explaining" technique might work better if he isn't showing off in front of his cousins etc.

Of course, he might just need to have the riot act read to him now and again too.

This. Your ds is 11. He’s in a phase and can be irritating, completely normal and he’ll grow out of it. Being an adult should involve being able to manage that calmly and not scream at anyone.
Give your ds a hug and tell him not to worry about it.
All a bit of a storm in a teacup.

Ok so we're clearly going to compare children and parenting.
So water safety, we all got out of the pool to have a break from the sun. Her son cried and threw a tantrum because he wanted to go back in the pool so she said fine. So off went her child who can not swim nor float in the pool by himself because the crying annoyed her, but yes I have a disregard for water safety clearly.... We went into the shop and her son wanted a teddy and was told no it's day one there will be other shops and proceeded to cry and throw things around because he wanted it now... They were told to sit down nicely and to eat there dinner and stop messing about and they were met with no.... One her other kids pinches the one to get a reaction and then they start fighting but again my child who has attitude occasionally he's the main problem here yeah? .... One of them was told to stop rolling around the floor and was met with a why are you telling me what to do... She then told him because I'm your mother.. she was then told your not my mom and then proceeded to throw yet another tantrum....In the sea and her husband had one of the kids on a lilo let the lilo go and then he fell in, to then complain how he threw himself in and it was his own fault. (I had one of the others that can't swim) And then of course we have the time another one of her children who again can't swim went towards the sea again with no adult supervision so I asked him to wait and was met a what's your problem? From said child... To then fall in swallow too much sea water and spent the afternoon vomitting.... And just another point that is slightly irrelevant but Ive come back with the worst sunburn I've ever had because I felt the need to constantly be in the sea with the kids because to me if your children can't swim they need to have supervision in the water but again my water safety is the problem? . This was multiple times a day everyday one of hers was acting out and they each got bellowed at every single time and was met with nos or just carrying on doing what they were doing which include children that can't swim being in the water alone but again mine has problems doing as he's told for one thing the entire holiday I told him not to do and he went and did it.

When I tell my son no to wanting something he takes this on board whether this was your not drinking any more fizzy drinks, no more ice cream, to wanting to buy something, of if it was time to get out the pool whatever, 9 times out of 10 a simple no suffices. If his behaviour is not to par I can explain to him what's wrong with what he's doing and he takes it on board whether he's talking with attitude or he's just being silly I can tell him to stop and he'll stop. I don't spend so much time explaining things to him, it's usually a don't do this because that can happen... Or don't talk like that it's rude and you wouldn't like it and usually this works extremely well for us. The times he has had attitude in the last week he has been barked at by an adult.

But again I have at no point said my child is perfect sometimes he's not and we can talk about it and it's dealt with

But again this wasnt a parenting question this was a do you think this is acceptable for a fully grown adult to scream in a child's face and told they're not going to get anywhere?
Apparently so?

I imagine you'd have to be there in order to say who was being unreasonable but it sounds as though holidaying separately in future might be a better idea.

Her son made fun of him after he got scared in the water, and your sister screamed in his face?

For goodness sake, it sounds like you and your sister need to grow up. You clearly don’t like each other so holiday separately then you won’t need to keep a running commentary on who is doing what.

I think people are being harsh on here.
It's common for smaller children to act up, and for eleven year olds to have an attitude sometimes or just not phrase things in the politest way (an 11 year old saying they want the window seat is a totally normal thing. It's not demanding the seat or they throw a tant it's expressing a wish. Maybe an adult might do the "if no-one else minds dance", but for the uncle to immediately start muttering and swearing to himself sounds really unfair. To expect a child to accommodate or avoid that reaction is to expect them to walk on eggshells.

Their kids sound well within the norm for normal kid behaviour when on holiday and overtired/stimulated. I would tell my child of for it, but it doesn't make them demons. However the real issue is the grown adults screaming at your son, and swearing at him.

I agree, it seems like they have a narrative that your child is the "bad one" and his behaviour interpreted in that context. That's really unfair on him and I wouldn't want to expose him to that in the future. I've been told I'm quite a strict parent, and I wouldn't let my child get away with bad behaviour without calling it out but that's different to expecting them never to behave badly and having an emotional melt down at quite minor or non-existent infractions. He shouldn't have to feel like walking on eggshells in how he asks for things (the swat and also not to be laughed at) for fear of verbal aggression l.

It just sounds like you and your sister have very different parenting styles and you have both wound yourselves up by point scoring and judging your children’s behaviour.

Your sisters children sound very young.

There’s no need to get badly sunburned in the sea. I’m sure you didn’t let your child burn.

Don’t holiday together again.

From what you've said about your sister's kids, I wouldn't holiday with them again even if they treated your son well!
Not the point of the thread I know - but I'm curious about the issue with going in the sea with a snorkel? Our kids do that often with no issues.

All this he said/she said, and bickering sounds exhausting. Just holiday separately. Do something nice with your sister sometimes without the kids.

The key bit in your OP is this: my sister stepped in front of me and screamed in my son's face

This is abusive behaviour. There's no excuse for that response from an adult to an 11yo.

The level of defensiveness you're displaying here you no favours.

Your son sounds hard work. It's really exhausting and irritating being around children who refuse to do as they're told, and parents who treat everything as a learning opportunity and negotiation. Screaming at a kid isn't ok either, and your sister was in the wrong there.

I always question the reliability of the narrator if the antagonist allegedly "screamed" at the wronged party. In real life, I don't think I have ever witnessed an adult screaming at anybody. It would be incredibly difficult and it would require so much energy. I'm sure that the OP's sister raised her voice, but hyperbolising her actions whilst ensuring she is depicted as the calm voice of reason is the OP controlling the narrative by ensuring she is the hero in her own story.

It sounds like you have raised a petulant brat whose insufferable behaviour you enable. Your parenting sounds incredibly passive; you accept that he has a poor attitude, but appear to do very little about it and permit him to rule the roost. Your sister had probably reached the end of her tether with his attitude. Perhaps someone raising their voice at him once in a blue moon will do him some good.

This sounds like the holiday from hell.
All of the children sound vile. Who lets their children behave like that? It’s not normal.
Don’t go on holiday with them again. Also teach your son to have respect for others.

They don’t like him. It’s as simple as that.

It sounds like they’d just had enough of him challenging them or his behaviour. When it’s not your own child it can become irritating.

This is why I don’t go away with other peoples kids. They are not mine so my patience wears thin if they are being little arses.

However at 11 - secondary school age it’s not ok to act attitudey’ whilst away with people. That needs nipping in the bud because people will start thinking he’s annoying and petulant. I doubt any more holidays together again will be foreseeable.

Instead of being defensive try and look at how his behaviour could have irritated them and possibly spoilt their holiday - remember he is not their son. Then you might get insight on how people view him

How old were the other children

I would recommend not going away with other families -as you have found out they have different rules and standards

Separate holidays - simples

You’ve got different parenting styles. You see her kids playing up and them shrieking at them but they would clearly like you to employ more of their tough justice. By contrast you’re an explainer - as is patently obvious from your replies - where you seem to think spelling out all the rationale will lead to a strong conclusion. Guess what? It doesn’t always

Only if you believe that an adult female actually stood right in front of a boy, opened her mouth and screamed.

it’s unlikely. Raise voice? Sure. Scream? No.

How old are their children? It sounds like theirs are much younger and they have an unreasonable expectation of your DC because he's more grown up in their eyes.

Sorry OP, I think this is one of those situations where you had to be there. You said in your OP you know you are right and you just need validation about that, but this is a scenario where there’s likely to be a completely different perspective. You are understandably defensive about your son and your parenting style. It sounds like you parent differently and this can create friction.

Chalk this one up to experience, reflect on whether you could be doing anything differently, and don’t go on holiday with your sister.