AIBU to think his solo holiday plans are selfish?

[Sam17062002]

For some background context, I have taken mine and my partners children on holiday twice. Once last year for a week and once this year for 10 nights. Both times my partner has opted out in coming due to personal extended family issues.
now my partner has decided he wants to go away in October for a week on his own to “somewhere with a sunbed where he can do nothing” am I being unreasonable in thinking this is selfish? Me and my partner have already been away for a weekend without the children and he has actually never been away with the kids.
I know I probably haven’t explained this the best but I am feeling annoyed that he thinks it’s acceptable to go away without even considering me or the kids

@Sam17062002 , I won't waste time commenting on your 'partner's holiday, as it sounds as insignificant as 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I will say to you though, that there is more to life than a relationship that makes you miserable.

There's more to life than extending yourself, above and beyond for a man's children. Even more so for ones whose father don't care about you.

There's more to life than wasting away with a man who doesn't love you. And know, he will sleep next to you every night (when he's not off on his solo jollies) and not like/love or care about you.

You are worth more than this man will ever offer you.

You will have more time and emotional energy to are for yourself and your children, when you don't have a bellend sapping your energy.

I know you told someone upthread to leave your children out of it; but they are very much in this circus. Every minute you waste on this person, is time you take away from yourself and from them.

He is also showing his children that he doesn't care as much for them (if at all), as much as he cares for himself. They deserve more.

He is also not committed to your family in the way he should be. He doesn't even wish to help you secure a home for your family. What more do you need him to tell you and show you?

Think it's time to set some new, clear boundaries @Sam17062002 . He has no respect for you as a parent or partner. Won't go on holiday with you and the children, doesn't want his name on lease. This may work in your favour should you pack his bags while he is on his solo holiday.
He is a very poor role model for the children as a parent and general all round human being. His parents still seem to think their poor son is so hard done by. Perhaps he should move back with them and let you get on with parenting.

I am completely estranged from my family. They have gone as far as stalking me and spreading lies about Dh and I saying we are trying to blackmail them (we aren’t, we cut them off due to my mum’s partner’s criminal record and the fact he is a known safeguarding risk to children). My life is incredibly stressful. I also have incurable cancer. None of that stops me going on family holidays. In fact, I’ve taken my dc on holiday solo twice this year. I also go on holiday by myself too, which is lovely, but well earned and not at the expense of quality time with my children.

They are hers as well.

That was only clarified after I posted last night.

The opening post said "For some background context, I have taken mine and my partners children on holiday twice", from which I inferred she had taken her own dc and also her partner's dc. I can see I wasn't the only one confused by the phrasing.

Do you never look after your kids without your partner there
Of course I did, The difference being, he also sometimes looked after them when I wasn't there. Plus of course we both took them on holiday together when they were children.

Seemed quite clear to me from the OP

Where does she say that ?

She said My partner and my children’s grandparents don’t have a relationship due to many reasons breaking any sort of relationship they had over time which implied (at this point in the thread) it was his own parents he didn't get on with, or surely you'd write "My partner doesn't get on with my Mum and Dad" ?
I can't see where she said "he won't go because of the grandfather", or any suggestions it is a visit to family.

This isn’t just about a holiday, it is his part-time participation in family life. You and your children deserve better. Send him back to his parents, go for child maintenance from him and be happy without this manchild.

Agree @Sam17062002

Your children absolutely should be bought into this. This is their daily life and they are witnessing their Dad be a useless father to them and a useless partner to their mother.

Your behaviour is teaching them how they should act towards others and how they should accept being treated in their future relationships. Would you want your children to be treated by their partners the way you are treated? Because every second more that you stay and accept your life the way it is, is showing them this behaviour and situation is ok.

You may think you’re “sheltering” them from any issues but children aren’t stupid. They see more than you think and hear more than you know. They can read body language and sense atmospheres.

And how exactly can you shelter them from the fact that their father has never gone on holiday with them yet is busy packing his bags for a solo holiday? How can you shelter them from the fact that things get so bad at home that your husband moves back to his mothers?

The second you stop being in denial about how little your children know and feel the better. It may sound harsh but maybe tough love is what you need in this situation, not a pat on the shoulder and being told you’re doing a great job keeping your family together for your children’s sake because believe me it’s not worth it.

Sorry, why are you still with this guy? I know Mumsnet can be keen to jump on the ‘leave him’ wagon but on this occasion it’s justified.

You are a single parent for all intents and purposes, but without the luxury of time off from the kids when it’s his turn to have them.

Opting out of family holidays is not an option and should never be an option for a parent unless he is literally the Prime Minister or equivalently important to national security.

The most disturbing thing is - he doesn’t even like you let alone love you. When you are with the right person, they WANT to spend time with you and go on holiday with you rather than going alone. You don’t have to beg. The weekend away is his version of bare minimum; designed to keep you sweet so you’ll do family holidays on his behalf and let him take a week off alone doing god knows what.

I would be inclined to say yes to his holiday. In the build up collect as much personal information as you can about his bank accounts, salary, assets and pension. Withdraw as much money as you need to survive. Consult a solicitor. Have everything in place to serve him divorce papers direct to the hotel. Change all the locks and send his personal belongings to his friend/family.

If he wants to live a single man lifestyle, make him a single man.

I would be expecting a solo holiday too

I think if someone has put up with this shit for a years; who accepts a man upping sticks and moving back home with mama leaving you to parent solo his children… then it is unlikely that him taking a solo holiday is going to galvanise someone to end it. Sadly

There are so many things wrong here, but I think you know that.
His refusal to have a relationship with your parents, his decision-making regardless of the outcome of your conversations.
His refusal to come on family holidays.
His parents enabling his behaviour.
Your role as the default parent.
You are not equal partners and, from what you've written, he has no respect for you or consideration for you and your family.

Currently, you're solo-parenting three children and having to deal with a disrespectful housemate.

Make life easier for yourself, and more pleasant / stable for your children by ditching the housemate.

He’s not a DP is he? He’s a sperm donor who provides sexual services. Are you claiming benefits as a single parent whilst he pretends to live with his mum and refuses to engage in normal family life. Get rid of him and find someone better for your next partner.

You & the kids deserve better.
I wouldn't tolerate that behavior, I'd rather be a single parent. It sounds like you do 95% of the work anyway.
You can shelter the kids from his behavior but they will be aware of it.
What does he contribute to the family/relationship?

This 100%

He must get on with his own parents as he runs back to his mum when things get tough & his Dad is paying for his holiday

I think it is the OP’s parents who want nothing to do with him. They have seen this pattern play out time and and time again I suspect and have chosen to distance themself from this one.

it is my mum and dad whom want nothing to do with him, they tried to have a relationship with him but he comes across as very rude as he doesn’t see the need to speak to them, it’s been an ongoing struggle since I was pregnant, however he has also expressed wanting nothing to do with them, my parents can not stand the person he is and nor do I blame them

I suspect they are very very frustrated

When women stay with these arseholes they allow their arsehole behaviour to be witnessed by their kids and are therefore contributing to the creation of the next generation of arseholes. Break the cycle and kick him out. You and the world deserve better.

You really don't sound like you like him. Why are you still with him?

@QuietComet that isn’t true, but there’s been so much damage done now, I’m drained mentally. Suppose that’s what happens when you’re constantly disappointed by another’s behaviour

My god, why are you putting up with this loser?

OP please get rid of this tosser from your life you can do so much better. He is a user and a leach and I am stunned he thinks its ok for you to bring HIS kids without him on holiday. Talk about opting out of parenting. Let him go on his jollies in october and tell him to pack more than just his shorts. Change the locks, live your life without this waster you deserve so much more.