AIBU to think his solo holiday plans are selfish?

[Sam17062002]

For some background context, I have taken mine and my partners children on holiday twice. Once last year for a week and once this year for 10 nights. Both times my partner has opted out in coming due to personal extended family issues.
now my partner has decided he wants to go away in October for a week on his own to “somewhere with a sunbed where he can do nothing” am I being unreasonable in thinking this is selfish? Me and my partner have already been away for a weekend without the children and he has actually never been away with the kids.
I know I probably haven’t explained this the best but I am feeling annoyed that he thinks it’s acceptable to go away without even considering me or the kids

So is it his parents or yours that he doesn’t have a relationship with? Why did that stop him going on holiday with you all, or were the grandparents with you?

No problem!

just to correct my mis-statement, there are 2 shared DC that @Sam17062002 needs to consult with him on. She doesn't need to talk about the eldest DD as he has no say or right to discuss her upbringing,

When the op quoted he won't go because the grandfather, so assume this is a holiday to visit family rather than a package holiday

Don't worry about the holiday, it sounds like you've got much bigger problems, frankly. Why are you continuing in this relationship? He sounds like a useless, selfish, lazy piece of work and you'd be better off without him.

You've settled for a half-in, half-out relationship all along, and that's what you've got. He is U, but you are U to imagine he'd be any different. You didn't get married before having kids, you're not both equally financially committed to the family, he doesn't even live with you FT. So now you do the work of parenting all the time and he treats it like an optional hobby that he can pick up and put down as he likes. (Supported in this by his mum, it seems). Crap, but predictable.

Tell him you’ve managed 2 holidays solo parenting the kids and he already got a “break” at home. You’ll consider him going only after you’ve had a week away yourself. It’s only fair.

Agree with this.

Yes he is being completely unreasonable about the holiday, but when you look at his overall behaviour then that is what needs addressing.

Why is he not financially committing to you and the children? Is the reason he didn't want to put his name down on the tenancy so he doesn't have to pay? Does he actually contribute to the household and children?
Why can he opt out and live with mum?

He is unreasonable but as you have allowed him to do and commit to so little it's not surprising.
He will always treat you like this.
So if you want it to stop you need to set boundaries. Step away. Claim child support and sort out custody arrangements for no2 & 3. I assume you get cms for no 1 child? If not sort that too. The fact that he has been in her life since 1y doesn't put that responsibility on him. Good luck.
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If the sexes were reversed everyone would be cheering the woman on, encouraging her to take the solo holiday and saying the man had just done the bare minimum taking care of the kids while his wife dealt with her extended family issues.

Everyone needs some time alone. Some of us need more alone time than others. Let him have his; you'll be a stronger position when you want your own week-long solo holiday later.

I once read a poster on here say single dads wanted a "nanny with a fanny" and I think she was spot on.

He is basically someone who likes the outward appearance of having a family, but wants to put them back in their box when he can’t be bothered. Holidays alone can be healthy and I wouldn’t be concerned about that, except for the detail in this arrangement is that you took the children away and he didn’t participate, he’s been away with you without the children and now he wants a relaxing solo holiday. He opting in and out whenever it suits which is not acceptable in a partnership. He’s being a pathetic excuse for a parent and a partner and you deserve better.

The details you’ve added are more concerning to me and things I wouldn’t ignore. The issue with your parents for one is something which would make me reconsider. He’s not treating you well and by avoiding your parents he’s giving himself the space to be able to be worse to you without consequence. Your parents are likely to be the ones brave and close enough to point out when he is misbehaving, if he can ‘hate’ them then it adds an awkward dynamic between you and your parents, so you are less likely to listen to them. It’s not abuse by itself but it is likely to be part of a bigger picture. I don’t think we have enough information to judge that but I’m sure there are details we are unaware of which make your like more unpleasant.

He’a only half in this relationship; I’d walk away and get on with things as you always have. He doesn’t seem to bring much to the family. He’ll be able to go on all the solo holidays he likes then but at least you won’t have to stand by and watch.

No. They have two kids together, she has one from a previous relationship. The original post is confusing @Sam17062002it reads like you’re looking after steps children as well. I’d leave him, you’re a single parent already.

This was my first thought too, but I didn't like to say.

@Billender although I see no issue with people claiming benefits as I first did when my eldest daughter was born because both my parents work full time, I can clarify I do not. I help women look after their babies for the first few days after birth and absolutely love my job, you are one sour lemon and your negativity is not welcome here

Have you suggested you and the kids join him in October? What was his response?

It sounds like your previous holidays have been with your family and he's not wanted to go. Why have you gone on those and not one with him?

This is deeply selfish unless there is a plan in place for you to get the same deal next spring/summer.
It's not exactly the same but next week I'm taking myself off for a day and night away to hike Yr wyddfa / Snowdon. I really want to do this solo without my DP or three year old. I'm going first because it was my idea etc. but DP thinks it is also something he would like to do so at some point in autumn or maybe next spring, he will go off and do the same.

Why are you running around looking after this knobs kids on holiday, whilst he's dealing with 'extended family issues'?
Why is he going back to mum to stay with her so often? Just bin him off back to his mummy, he sounds like an immature kid who is incapble of doing adult things i.e being a decent p and a good f unless it's something HE wants to do.
Stroopy teen comes to mind.

He's not bringing anything to your life. Let him go on holiday. And take his stuff to his mum's. Job done . Be prepared for him either wanting nothing more to do with his kids or completely doing a 180 and claiming he's super dad and wants 5050

Set your bar higher OP. He sounds rather useless, and extremely selfish.
Out of interest, where is he intending to go on his solo holiday?

Yeah he’s a shit Dad. Never been on holiday with his own children, constantly running back to live with mummy. What sort of relationship is this? Those poor children.

OP, please try to look past the harsh language. We, collectively, as women are simply exasperated by hearing the same stories of useless partners. Many of us made a decision to leave these useless partners behind and we sort of forgot that we were at certain point struggling to make that choice. So when we read your story, it hits the spot.
The reality of the situation is that you have a man who doesn't add anything of value to your life. He is a dead weight. You absolutely should have higher standards but this relationship is beyond repair. He should go on holiday and stay there for good.
You have your house, career and support network. You have enough and you don't need a man-baby who doesn't respect you in your life. Please get rid.

He sounds terrible. However I wouldn't leap in to judge him missing out on holidays if you are going with your parents because he doesn't get on with them, when I don't know the background to that. For all we know your parents might be horrible to him! (I suspect they aren't but I think they've got him sussed).

The good news is - the house is yours, you've got a good job and you are managing the children by yourself already. You are hardly going to miss him at all when you give him the shove, are you?

@DaisyChain505 please do not bring my children into this, I work very hard to make sure I can provide them with the life they deserve and shelter them from any issues we may face as a family as any mother would

@InterestedDad37 Spain I think