Feel like I have failed after GS failed every GCSE

[CuddlyBears]

First post on MN please be kind. Some context

When my DD was 13 she got pregnant, she didn't really show at all and she was they thought 28/29 weeks gone. I still wonder how no one knew, not me, not her school, not anyone. DD’s behaviour had changed from the beginning of year 8, she was more snappy and moodier and honestly off the rails. I begged for help from school but nothing happened, she was excluded from school and we didn't have mum and daughter days anymore or anything

I wasn't even angry I was more shocked than anything. She was too far gone for an abortion. Prior to this nothing changed in her life to cause this she just fell into a trap after meeting her bf. He was the year above but only months older so nothing was done as they were both underage having sex and dd made it clear she wasn't coerced

She gave birth about 8 weeks after she found out and he was tiny but healthy and I've raised him since then, I got a guardianship order (i think that’s the name forgive me if not im exhausted).

I don’t want to make this thread long and unreadable so will reply to questions but his behaviour is awful tbh, he vapes and smokes weed often, steals alcohol, selfharms, is rude and disrespectful to me, he spends almost all of his time gaming on his PC and doesnt really go out. His room is disgusting the one time he did go out (the other week) I went in his room and found 2 bottles of his wee and when i confronted him later on and told him how disgusting it was he was just like “oh well you shouldn’t have gone in my room then”.

He got his gcse results today and he already was in a terrible mood because i had woken him up to go get them. He came back and threw them at me unopened and went back to bed. He’s failed everything. He mostly got 1s and 2s but he also got a U it says he got 3 marks across 3 papers on that one.

I’m upset and disappointed he doesnt care I went to talk to him and he was ignoring me so I turned his PC off and honestly that gave a bigger reaction than him finding out he failed everything. I didn’t expect him to get the top grades or even pass everything just something at least. I feel like I’ve failed him and yes this is probably the tip of the iceberg but seeing parents today saying about how well their children have done even on the radio I heard it. I feel like such a shit parent because it does feel like im his parent really rather than his grandparent

It's OK, I never said you said there was anything wrong.

OP

Does your grandson have any good male role models on either side? Uncle, cousin, grand father, etc. Is there anyone he listens to or respects? With the exception of his useless dad, he seems to be surrounded by women including his friends being girls. He needs some good men in his life. Coaches, teachers, community groups etc even. It’s more coincidence that his behaviour went downhill as he hit puberty, that when boys really start to gravitate away from their mums and towards their dads: they need someone decent to show them how to become a good man.

i don’t get the impression from your posts that you understand how badly damaged this boy is, and how unhappy he is. He cannot turn this around on his own.

i can’t get over how you pull him up on how he speaks about his parents like that’s the issue - of course he’s angry and disgusted with them, at the same time asking why they’ve rejected him and wanting their love. How have you explained this to him? He must have asked you, when he was younger, why he lived with you and not his mum.

It might be worth looking into some sort of chef apprenticeship for him, or finding out some details.

Sounds like he would benefit from quite a physical/hands on job, as that would help with his MH. He clearly doesn't like studying, but that's fair enough and isn't for everyone.

You must be exhausted.

Yes, I really think this is worth the OP chasing. Trauma-experienced children and young people often struggle in their teen years, as you well know. It would just give the comfort of knowing that her GS could access education at a later date, if that is the right thing for him.

This is a great resource for helping to identify mental health support for under 18s.

https://hubofhope.co.uk/

I'm confused. You're talking about your daughter's boyfriend?

If you take the trouble to read the rest of the responses, you will see that I'm not the only one who would like to know more about what happened in the intervening years, I feel that this would help us all to get a clearer picture of the OP's GS's upbringing and childhood/early teen years. I am not looking for a single trigger. Things are gradually becoming clearer, but the OP said herself that she was happy to answer questions as she didn't want to make her initial post too long.

Yours was the only one that really stood out though. What the fuck does it matter why? The OP is asking for help for now, picking over the bones won't make a smite worth of difference.

You said he seemed to be a happy child when younger and it sounds like things changed more with contact with his father which was at 12/13.

So number one, maybe keep an eye on the contact with the father as, limited though it is, it might still be doing damage every time he speaks to him and worth limiting even further if this is the case.
You could also make sure that when he comes back from seeing his father, there is something else to do other than sit in his room gaming and insist on him doing it so that it takes him out of his own head and he can’t dwell on negativity as a result of the contact. Maybe make him doing the shopping with you at the supermarket or go to a park, any kind of activity together. Or just something he does but not alone in his room.

If you think that you can’t enforce stopping him gaming, try flipping the circuit breakers on the electricity in the house, that will enforce it. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Has he spoken to you or anyone else that you’re aware of about his father’s MH or how that affects him? It’s possible he sees this poor MH as his future and role model and is worries or assumes he’ll end up similar.