Feel like I have failed after GS failed every GCSE

[CuddlyBears]

First post on MN please be kind. Some context

When my DD was 13 she got pregnant, she didn't really show at all and she was they thought 28/29 weeks gone. I still wonder how no one knew, not me, not her school, not anyone. DD’s behaviour had changed from the beginning of year 8, she was more snappy and moodier and honestly off the rails. I begged for help from school but nothing happened, she was excluded from school and we didn't have mum and daughter days anymore or anything

I wasn't even angry I was more shocked than anything. She was too far gone for an abortion. Prior to this nothing changed in her life to cause this she just fell into a trap after meeting her bf. He was the year above but only months older so nothing was done as they were both underage having sex and dd made it clear she wasn't coerced

She gave birth about 8 weeks after she found out and he was tiny but healthy and I've raised him since then, I got a guardianship order (i think that’s the name forgive me if not im exhausted).

I don’t want to make this thread long and unreadable so will reply to questions but his behaviour is awful tbh, he vapes and smokes weed often, steals alcohol, selfharms, is rude and disrespectful to me, he spends almost all of his time gaming on his PC and doesnt really go out. His room is disgusting the one time he did go out (the other week) I went in his room and found 2 bottles of his wee and when i confronted him later on and told him how disgusting it was he was just like “oh well you shouldn’t have gone in my room then”.

He got his gcse results today and he already was in a terrible mood because i had woken him up to go get them. He came back and threw them at me unopened and went back to bed. He’s failed everything. He mostly got 1s and 2s but he also got a U it says he got 3 marks across 3 papers on that one.

I’m upset and disappointed he doesnt care I went to talk to him and he was ignoring me so I turned his PC off and honestly that gave a bigger reaction than him finding out he failed everything. I didn’t expect him to get the top grades or even pass everything just something at least. I feel like I’ve failed him and yes this is probably the tip of the iceberg but seeing parents today saying about how well their children have done even on the radio I heard it. I feel like such a shit parent because it does feel like im his parent really rather than his grandparent

It sounds very much like your family is in crisis, OP. You need support and help, your GS desperately needs support and help.
Does he have a relationship with his mum and/or dad?

Ahh this is such a hard situation. I think first thing is that he needs some mental health support, he sounds very depressed. Second, speak to your local FE college. Often they have courses designed for young people like your grandson to get them re-engaged with education. Sometimes it’s some sort of foundation learning course, sometimes it’s a level 1 or entry 3 in something trades-related. Does he have any interests at all? A vocational course might suit him very well and give him a feeling of purpose. You can usually phone and speak to admissions, who will help you and him decide next steps.

This could have been my son 15 years ago.

For all of those wading in, how many teenage boys have you brought up alone?

My son was 6'4 and was physically abusive towards me. I tried to help him, his Nana and Grandad did but he was having none of it.

I hate to say this @CuddlyBears but mine is no better now at 29. Lives in a room in a shared house. The others all work. He just stays in his room
He doesn't engage... There's nothing I can do.
He had to move out because of his violence and his younger sister had to come first (she's now doing her Alevels!)

Oh @CuddlyBears what support are you getting? You must be exhausted.
Make sure you get yourself some counselling so that you know that the decisions you will be making in the future are the right ones.

Does he respect you? I guess I mean - is he violent toward you? If so involve CS straight away. I wanted to but my Mum thought he'd be put in care so took him in and gave in to his every whim. I've told her over and over that we would have been better off getting help.
I think you need some, and I'm speaking from experience with no judgement at all. Give one of the services a call because I think this is too much to take on, on your own.
Good luck darling, message if you want.

Crikey, I handed out my first darling 😂😘 < have that too!

He sounds like he is crying out for support but he may be unable to receive it if offered, as it sounds like he is in a big hole.

His mental health will be the main reason for his room, and probably for the pee bottles because he likely struggles to get up even when he needs to, at times.

My youngest got Fs, Gs, and Us today. I am gutted. She is autistic, clearly adhd but I had lost the will for paperwork so no dx, and she is dyslexic. She tries hard but is in a special class at school.

I know she is worth more than her grades but I feel sad for her and also guilty because it feels like I have failed her. I am going to try and get her to sit down with me downstairs this coming year, to work on things, in the hope that her actual GCSE grades in a years time, better reflect her capabilities.

She left a toxic friend group off her own back last year, which is good because they were getting into all kinds of trouble. But several of her current friends have just left year 11 and there's no sixth form, so I don't know if we are about to see a change.

You aren't a failure. Things happen. Your DGS has been born into a situation where his parent isn't the one rearing him - this makes him different. He is a male in this time of Tate and Me Too and the (correct but sometimes viewed as difficult) current of everyone cracking down on boys' and mens' behaviours and the patriarchy - schools are an increasingly hostile institution for all students. And he sounds like he has fallen in with some toxic friends, which can be easier to do if anything sits a kid on the outside for any reason.

He would benefit from seeing CAMHS but I know the waiting lists are ridiculous. If he has a social worker, or you could geg one for him, they may be able to help.

if your kid has adhd but they arent actually diagnosed theyre missing a diagnosis and potentially life changing medication.

You’ve missed out all the bits about how he was raised…regardless of who did it

Tbh his grades would be the last thing on my mind. Grades can be made up by attending basic adult education classes and college.

In regards to his mental health, gaming, and drug taking, what support does he have? And is his time online being monitored to see who he is speaking to and what he is accessing?

I know he needs help but there's no one that will help. He doesn't have a social worker and when I last spoke to the GP about the self harm they wanted to talk to him (it was over the phone) but he refused so they couldn’t do anything other than the camhs referral but at the same time i don’t think his sleep is helping any matters because it’s all over the place as in he sleeps all day and hes awake most of the night. I woke him up today and got sworn at which is the norm with him. He was offered school counselling but he didnt really engage

DD was living with us after he was born and when he was young and after he was born she calmed down a bit and went back to school etc but she then got pregnant again at 16 (with the same boy, they had and still HAVE an on/off thing) I wasn’t pleased and she blames me for forcing her to have an abortion when all I said was if she chose to have the baby I wasn’t looking after it because she obviously knew how babies were made by that point and how easy it could be to get pregnant . I was already raising GS who was a toddler and if I had given in and raised the next baby and then the next when would it have stopped

He doesnt see his mum or siblings , sometimes they come here very rarely like at Christmas for example and he hates it but tbh i dont see them much depending on how my relationship with dd is at the time and its more bad thbut she’s admitted to me she doesnt see him as her child but shes never tried to even get to know him on any other level but he just refers to her as “her” or a bitch which I always pull him up on

His dad is in the on/off relationship with his mum and GS didn’t actually properly meet him until he was 12/13, he briefly went to stay with his dad which was his choice but his dad brought him back after a few days and told him he’ll take him out but he cant live with him and since then GS hates him, his dad gave him money a few months ago and attempted suicide and when GS found out he didnt seem concerned or upset or any normal reaction he just said “he should try harder next time” which isnt the person i raised

Im going to phone the school tomorrow i think they said someone will be around to talk about results

Ill reply to other replies tomorrow too. apologies this comment is so long

What a pleasant human you are! Straight in to kick the op when she is down.
she stepped in and raised her grandson.
OP could you contact the school and see if there is any help available to him?

It is perfectly readable op.

Yes speak to school but try the gp again and social services. This kids life is awful. He is getting rejected again and again. He could become a danger to himself or to others if he isnt helped.

OP, you appear to have gone from your GS's birth to his exams with no information in the middle. Please can you tell us how it came about that you took over his care full time? What happened to his Mum, ie, is she still living with you both, did she leave after his birth and not return, did she finish her own education???? Is she still in contact with you? With him?

Was he a happy little boy, and has gone off the rails as a teenager, or has he always been difficult? How long he been struggling like this, and when did he start behaving badly?

Also, what was your reaction when you found out that your DD was pregnant at 13? Were you a teenage Mum yourself? How old were you when you took on the care of your GS?

We need lots more information in order to be able to offer any help or advice.

The failed GCSEs are the least of the problems here.

Baby steps - your DGS needs a plan of what he wants to do - you say 'his behaviour is awful tbh, he vapes and smokes weed often, steals alcohol, selfharms, is rude and disrespectful to me, he spends almost all of his time gaming on his PC and doesnt really go out" this stops, if he wants to live under your roof and have you feed him then he needs to come up with a plan with what he wants for his future that you can support and he also needs to cut out the destructive behaviours, and you need to stop enabling the destructive behaviours - otherwise where does it end?

This all sounds really difficult. You mentioned you had a guardianship order for him- I presume this is an SGO? If so, your LA will have a Kinship / SGO support team you will be able to access who should be able to provide you with some support or at least point you in the right direction of where to get it. Please also look at the Kinship charity who may be able to help. You sound like you need some support as a family so please reach out for it. Good luck xx

The poor kid feels abandoned and is probably questioning why his mum and dad treat him so bad in contrast to his siblings. You are the one stable thing in his life and that's why you're getting the brunt of it. Ask the school if they can direct you to a counsellor that does family sessions where he may engage more if you are by his side. He is spiralling and crying out for love and acceptance from his parents.

You, and he, desperately need more support. He sounds very unhappy and things aren’t going to improve until he takes some responsibility for his depression and gets help. Has he any ambitions or goals for the future?
i would start with the GP and get social services involved. If he clicks with the right person, he might be willing to start making small changes.

Unfortunately he has a dad he only met for the first time at 12, doesn’t want to look after him and attempted suicide. His mum also doesn’t want to look after him, hardly sees him and to make it much much worse, has other children who she does see and raised.

Its very sad for anyone to be in this position and clearly over time this has an effect on somebody.

You can’t do anything about his parents’ treatment of him, which seems like the main factor leading up to this. But you can support him from here by getting social services involved as soon as possible to help you. You can’t force him to see a psychologist but with the kind of things he has to deal with I think professional help is really needed.

What happened in the years leading up to and the 2 years of his GCSEs? What happened when he was in primary school? Was he happy as a younger child? How long has he been having issues for?

The weed Is in all likelihood an attempt at self-medication of the problems that he has

@CuddlyBears you have done a wonderful thing trying to give your grandchild a mother and home. Failing his GCSEs does not detract from that.

He has basically withdrawn and gone into protection mode due to the rejection from his parents - can you imagine the pain? You need to find a way to re-attach with him, which will be difficult.

This may help, I have read and recommend the book which it is based on.
rocksolidrefuge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/Hold-Onto-Your-Kids-Home-School-2024.pdf

It's got to be hard on a kid when neither of your parents want you but do want your siblings.

It sounds wretched all round. Definitely approach the school and local authority as soon as you can. It's high time the professionals were more energetically involved. I agree with others that his results are the very least of it. His mental health has to be prioritised first. Did I understand correctly that his birth father attempted suicide? Maybe there's a genetic component? Maybe it's simply that he feels rejected. Although clearly not by you. As a previous poster said he can get angry with you because you're his safe place and you haven't rejected him. What about a charity phoneline like Childline? Would he be prepared to ring them? I feel for you - you've been dumped in it and have been trying your best. Time now for the authorities to step up to the plate.

Take all the help the school will offer.
Insist that DGS engages with the counselling offered.
Take the PC if he refuses. Give him use of the PC so long as he attends sessions with good intention of participating.

Would DGS look at courses in computers at TAFE? Would he enjoy a part time job in a hardware shop? Volunteering in an animal shelter?

I expect that the core of this is the hurt and damage from not being wanted by his parents.

And for what it’s worth Op - you have a thankless task in this. I hope that you both get some support.