Feel like I have failed after GS failed every GCSE

[CuddlyBears]

First post on MN please be kind. Some context

When my DD was 13 she got pregnant, she didn't really show at all and she was they thought 28/29 weeks gone. I still wonder how no one knew, not me, not her school, not anyone. DD’s behaviour had changed from the beginning of year 8, she was more snappy and moodier and honestly off the rails. I begged for help from school but nothing happened, she was excluded from school and we didn't have mum and daughter days anymore or anything

I wasn't even angry I was more shocked than anything. She was too far gone for an abortion. Prior to this nothing changed in her life to cause this she just fell into a trap after meeting her bf. He was the year above but only months older so nothing was done as they were both underage having sex and dd made it clear she wasn't coerced

She gave birth about 8 weeks after she found out and he was tiny but healthy and I've raised him since then, I got a guardianship order (i think that’s the name forgive me if not im exhausted).

I don’t want to make this thread long and unreadable so will reply to questions but his behaviour is awful tbh, he vapes and smokes weed often, steals alcohol, selfharms, is rude and disrespectful to me, he spends almost all of his time gaming on his PC and doesnt really go out. His room is disgusting the one time he did go out (the other week) I went in his room and found 2 bottles of his wee and when i confronted him later on and told him how disgusting it was he was just like “oh well you shouldn’t have gone in my room then”.

He got his gcse results today and he already was in a terrible mood because i had woken him up to go get them. He came back and threw them at me unopened and went back to bed. He’s failed everything. He mostly got 1s and 2s but he also got a U it says he got 3 marks across 3 papers on that one.

I’m upset and disappointed he doesnt care I went to talk to him and he was ignoring me so I turned his PC off and honestly that gave a bigger reaction than him finding out he failed everything. I didn’t expect him to get the top grades or even pass everything just something at least. I feel like I’ve failed him and yes this is probably the tip of the iceberg but seeing parents today saying about how well their children have done even on the radio I heard it. I feel like such a shit parent because it does feel like im his parent really rather than his grandparent

bump

TBF what did you expect? Sell the PC.

That he self harms shows more clearly than anything else that his mental health is in the toilet, so his GCSEs are probably the least of his problems. What intervention has he had for his mental health and what is his personal history (other than having an underage mother)?

What do you mean, what does she expect?

Where is your daughter in all this?

Such an unhelpful response. Please show some empathy.

his behaviour is awful tbh, he vapes and smokes weed often, steals alcohol, selfharms, is rude and disrespectful to me, he spends almost all of his time gaming on his PC and doesnt really go out

He needs help with all the above, he isn't going to be doing all that and diligently studying alongside.

How was it such a surprise? What were his predicted grades? What has been said at parents' evening/school reports?

What help is he getting for the self harm which probably links to depression/anxiety? How often have you been to the GP?

Where does he get the money from for vaping?

Where is your dd now? She must be 29/30? Has she turned herself round?

I'm really sorry this has happened. Not the GCSEs but everything else. The GCSEs can come later. What kind of support do your GS and you have? Where is your DD in this? I presume GS knows that DD is his mother - that's a lot to come to terms with.

He has obviously needed help and intervention for a while! He's self harming, drinking and smoking, stealing etc

Don’t despair about the exam results. He’s still young and he can turn his life around. As a PP said, it is probably better to try and tackle his mental health problems first. Can you speak to your doctor and see if there are any resources available such as counseling or getting him to see a child psychiatrist even.

Something is very wrong at home to have 2 kids off the rails, fucking up so badly and behaving like that. What was happening at home when they were younger to reach these crisis points? It doesn’t happen overnight.

I’m sorry, this sounds very hard OP.

I’m sorry, it must be very hard. I wouldn’t worry about the GCSE’s, I would worry about the self harming and his self esteem.
Start with the GP, if he will go, of not self refer to social services.

Why do you keep stating the obvious?

I'm sorry things are so rough.
Did he attend school regularly?
Do you think he would be motivated by earning money if he could look for a retail or hospitality apprenticeship or a trade like carpentry or bricklaying?

Am I thick? Maybe. She hasn't asked how to help him. Or what the next steps should be. Because at no point has she mentioned that she has done anything to help him. Just that she feels shit cos he failed and others didn't.

Don’t sell the PC, at least you know where he is when he’s on it. Maybe limit the hours, so he sleeps at the right time.

The GCSEs results are largely irrelevant right now. This is a disturbed young man who needs intervention. Do you have a Social Worker?

The self harm part rather jumped out at me. What help have you managed to get for that?

This.
I feel so sad for you, please get outside help, all this is too much for you to cope with alone.

op it sounds like he's been struggling for a long time. where is his Mom? she presumably stayed living at home until he was at least 5? does he have a relationship with her? his Dad?
he sounds like a very damaged young lad, who needed intervention years ago. I don't know what you do next, but his GCSEs really are the least of it

No dad OR grandad in the picture? No surprises there then. Where are the useless men in all this?

I am wondering how and what your daughter is doing now, I realise she had her boy very young but she's still his mother.

You need some professional advice, I am sorry things are so difficult.