Feel like I have failed after GS failed every GCSE

[CuddlyBears]

First post on MN please be kind. Some context

When my DD was 13 she got pregnant, she didn't really show at all and she was they thought 28/29 weeks gone. I still wonder how no one knew, not me, not her school, not anyone. DD’s behaviour had changed from the beginning of year 8, she was more snappy and moodier and honestly off the rails. I begged for help from school but nothing happened, she was excluded from school and we didn't have mum and daughter days anymore or anything

I wasn't even angry I was more shocked than anything. She was too far gone for an abortion. Prior to this nothing changed in her life to cause this she just fell into a trap after meeting her bf. He was the year above but only months older so nothing was done as they were both underage having sex and dd made it clear she wasn't coerced

She gave birth about 8 weeks after she found out and he was tiny but healthy and I've raised him since then, I got a guardianship order (i think that’s the name forgive me if not im exhausted).

I don’t want to make this thread long and unreadable so will reply to questions but his behaviour is awful tbh, he vapes and smokes weed often, steals alcohol, selfharms, is rude and disrespectful to me, he spends almost all of his time gaming on his PC and doesnt really go out. His room is disgusting the one time he did go out (the other week) I went in his room and found 2 bottles of his wee and when i confronted him later on and told him how disgusting it was he was just like “oh well you shouldn’t have gone in my room then”.

He got his gcse results today and he already was in a terrible mood because i had woken him up to go get them. He came back and threw them at me unopened and went back to bed. He’s failed everything. He mostly got 1s and 2s but he also got a U it says he got 3 marks across 3 papers on that one.

I’m upset and disappointed he doesnt care I went to talk to him and he was ignoring me so I turned his PC off and honestly that gave a bigger reaction than him finding out he failed everything. I didn’t expect him to get the top grades or even pass everything just something at least. I feel like I’ve failed him and yes this is probably the tip of the iceberg but seeing parents today saying about how well their children have done even on the radio I heard it. I feel like such a shit parent because it does feel like im his parent really rather than his grandparent

This is great advice but it’s important to note that they will only be eligible for the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund if her grandson was classed as a child in care before the SGO was made. I posted earlier about contacting the Kinship/SGO support team at your LA as they will be able to support you x

It's hard to say without knowing what your approach is, but it's clear whatever you've been doing so far isn't working.

It seems the poor kid feels totally unwanted, unloved and worthless. I hope this doesn't come from you, but if it has come from others in his life it's hard to undo. Clearly the facts speak for themselves - a mum who didn't want him, a grandma who'd wanted him aborted, a dad who isn't fussed, siblings he hardly knows.

I think what he needs is loads and loads and loads of love. No recriminations, just a plan.

You probably need to get rid of the PC. Best suggestion is you cut the line to the wifi and tell him there's a service outage? Do that for a few weeks to get him used to doing things other than gaming... if it's been his escape for a long time he'll need to adjust to the real world again.

I found your post really upsetting what an horrendous situation, he is a very hurt traumatised lad who is in a lot of pain and dealing with his emotions in a destructive way, he probably does not even know how to cope.The smoking weed is an attempt to null the pain and just makes the situation 20 x worse.The lack of self care is just giving up and the mindless video games just detaches him more from reality.He will be flooded thinking about his shitty hand of cards compared to those with Aces: he will think life hates him, nothing brings him joy, in turn he hates himself.He is too young to understand regardless we play that hand the best way possible.

Abandonment/ rejection are major obstacles to overcome throw in puberty and it’s a ticking time bomb.I have adopted friends who have battled this throughout their lives, all are successful people now but their teenage years and twenties were like walking on ice.Even now in their 50s the demon still rears it’s ugly head from time to time

Forget college places, apprenticeships (very competitive still need the grades) joining clubs he is unable to engage with anything until he is mentally well. i say this in the kindest way, you are not enough for him, he needs professional help.Read through all the comments and start making contact Monday morning.Situations change and with the right help and support things (it will be a battle to obtain it don’t give up) can be turned around.If you do nothing he will spiral mark my words.

I wish you well and really hope he gets the right help.

This. He is a traumatised child abandoned by both parents effectively, but usually children are more profoundly affected by the lack of their mother. I know other young people in similar situations and none are unaffected by these issues.

I was a teen mum as well but my ds was born when I was 17 and I raised him & dd the same but i had no issues with him bar the normal teen moodiness and now he has his own business and lives abroad in his gfs home country

I missed questions about whether dd smoked or did drugs or drank when she was pregnant and she never did even before she found out, the hospital were concerned as she had no care up to that point and hadn’t taken any pregnancy vitamins but he was born healthy just 8 weeks after we found out

I’ve never had any support from kinship care and hes 17 soon and now i’m just stuck on what to do. I feel i can’t talk to friends about it because i’ll be judged like i was when i was told things could be worse and she could’ve had her dc with different men so i should’ve been grateful it was the same father

Thank you for answering my previous questions OP. However, when her son was born, didn't you, or anyone else make it clear to her that it was her job to raise him, or did you just take over and do everything for her? Did she feed him, change him, bath him, etc., when he was born, or did she just wash her hands of him? And if that was the case, did you not seek any help or advice, as to how to get her involved with her child? Did you at any point discuss adoption? I know this isn't helpful with the way he's behaving at present, but I'm just trying to understand how you got to this point.

Why do you forensically need to understand how the OP got to where she is? At which point along her grandson’s life journey are you going to identify ‘the thing’ that triggered him into where he is now? And if you could identify a single trigger, what would be your solution?

@CuddlyBears your DGS seems to be becoming isolated. You hay his friends may come round he says they may not. It would be good if they did. What are they like? Are they like him or are they still in some form of education or training?

You said someone is coming round next week to talk about his results, that is really good. I know it is hard but try to make something of this. Don’t let another organisation walk away from him. Tell them that you are desperate.

There are resources out there for him but they are not landing on your doorstep.

It is so sad, he is clearly in such pain and has put up so much defences that have become impenetrable.

His mum and dad clearly do not have his interests at heart. He most probably wants to yell at them.

Does he like sport, martial arts, go karting. My DGS does those, hardly resistible for a one.

I know I am jumping around but something needs to be done.

She was too far gone to have an abortion and she may have chosen to have one, she may not so it might not have made much difference finding out earlier bar having longer to get things and get our heads around it

I never mentioned me adopting him, I got guardianshop but she was still his mum legally and still is and when she got older she could’ve had him living with her but I never forced her into caring for him. She did name him and would do some bits and she did more when he was a bit older and sitting up by himself and on solids she’d feed him in his highchair and play with him and take him to the park etc just them

He was born a few days before yes 9 started and she did bits at home studying (which was harder then than it would be now tbh - school just sent workbooks home) then went back in january a few days a week and built it up so I did do more care for him then as i wanted her to get a good education and she wanted to be a teen and see friends which i felt was important because she had been bullied after going back and felt different as obviously no one else had had a baby

There is so much going on that I don't feel qualified to give advice.
I can only send some virtual support as you stepped in when his parents haven't, and you've loved him to this point. 💐.
I hope you can both find a way through this, and he'll find some ambition to go further in a trade or some form of employment.

Theres a huge amount of rejection for him to process. It will take time but only once he is ready.

Find positive male role models, somehow

Schools are rubbish places for kids who need something different to blossom. Low grade GCSEs are enough to get on a level 2 apprentiship or a level 2 college course. Look at all options around you and the different in your area, be very hesitant about repeating GCSEs at the same school. Widen his horizons and look for an environment which will interest and inspire him. Computers or a trade possibly? Excelling in something he enjoys will bring self worth and hope for the future.

If hes willing, pay for a supportive personal trainer at your local council gym. Book him one or two sessions a week with a PT who can teach him to lift free weights safely. After a few months he will be able to do this independently. Exercise can help massively with mental health and self image and sleep routines

Also pointless harping on about how things could have been done different in the past. Life is what it is, warts and all and it’s best to look forwards

His friends are 2 girls and they have sort of drifted since he changed schools and because he doesn't really go out. They used to go to one of the houses but because of them being girls they'd have sleepovers and hed feel left out as one of their mums was against it which he found ridiculous because he wasn't interested in either of them he just saw them as his best friends. I understood where the mum was coming from but I also know how GS would've felt when he would go over there then have to leave whilst they had fun on a sleepover (him joining on face time wasn't the same). They don't come over often but they did have plans for his birthday as its also one of the girls too around the same time so they usually jointly celebrate

He's not into sports or football or anything it's literally gaming. He does have loads of comics on his shelves but I don't think he's read half of them they're just there for the collection. he spends all his time on the PC. He also enjoys baking but on his terms (if hecan be bothered) but if I ask him to bake with me he says no as he prefers to do it by himself

When he applied to college I suggested the food course and he said no and picked creative media (I think that's the name) I don't know if he'll enjoy it or if he just picked it to shut me up

Creative media certainly will have tec overlaps. He can also look for a computer game design course at level 3, once he has completed level 2

@CuddlyBears, he likes baking. He could go to catering college and become a pastry chef. My first career was as a trained chef, due to the apprenticeship scheme, YTS, that was available then. I was 17 and hadn’t thought of becoming a chef, but I took a summer job in a local pub after my O levels and the proprietor suggested I go on the scheme. I had a wonderful career and never looked back. He needs someone to mentor and inspire him. He is screaming out for guidance.

He's not interested in it unfortunately, hesaid just because he enjoys it doesn't mean he wants to do it as a job but he has no idea what he wants to do either

He doesn’t know what he wants to do and he may feel that he will fail at anything he wants to do.

I know it is hard but talk to him. Try to build a rapport. If he feels to put upon, he will shut down. But communication and conversation would let him know that he has something to say and that you are interested in what he has to say.

Will the girls come over for his birthday?

its great hes opting for subjects which he feels might be interesting to him. He may need to try a few things to work out his strengths and interests , all part of the journey.

Iit will level 1 with those grades unfortunatley.

He would need at least 3 grade 3s to get onto a level 2 course

Nothing wrong with a level 1 course.
Doing a level 1 (well a level 1 and then another level 1) really helped DD rebuild her confidence with both life and academics.
To finally be given work she could actually do rather than work she couldn't at a pace that she could handle.

OP, I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned on here yet but I would be fighting hard to secure an EHCP for your GS. This will give him a fighting chance of accessing education up until the age of 25.

You can get them in y12, we did.

They were supposed to come but now he's saying they aren't. I think he feels left out at times as after their gases the 2 girls went to London for a few days after they completed their gcses (with one of their parents) but GS wasnt invited and he likely wouldnt have gone anyway as he doesnt go out with them even when theyre here but I think he was hurt even though they did bring him some things back which they didn't have to do

I just worry they'll drift even further once college starts

I never said there was my son did one
He waa critically ill in year 11 and missd a full half term of school he isnt academic anyway but his grades were lower than they should have been.