Feel like I have failed after GS failed every GCSE

[CuddlyBears]

First post on MN please be kind. Some context

When my DD was 13 she got pregnant, she didn't really show at all and she was they thought 28/29 weeks gone. I still wonder how no one knew, not me, not her school, not anyone. DD’s behaviour had changed from the beginning of year 8, she was more snappy and moodier and honestly off the rails. I begged for help from school but nothing happened, she was excluded from school and we didn't have mum and daughter days anymore or anything

I wasn't even angry I was more shocked than anything. She was too far gone for an abortion. Prior to this nothing changed in her life to cause this she just fell into a trap after meeting her bf. He was the year above but only months older so nothing was done as they were both underage having sex and dd made it clear she wasn't coerced

She gave birth about 8 weeks after she found out and he was tiny but healthy and I've raised him since then, I got a guardianship order (i think that’s the name forgive me if not im exhausted).

I don’t want to make this thread long and unreadable so will reply to questions but his behaviour is awful tbh, he vapes and smokes weed often, steals alcohol, selfharms, is rude and disrespectful to me, he spends almost all of his time gaming on his PC and doesnt really go out. His room is disgusting the one time he did go out (the other week) I went in his room and found 2 bottles of his wee and when i confronted him later on and told him how disgusting it was he was just like “oh well you shouldn’t have gone in my room then”.

He got his gcse results today and he already was in a terrible mood because i had woken him up to go get them. He came back and threw them at me unopened and went back to bed. He’s failed everything. He mostly got 1s and 2s but he also got a U it says he got 3 marks across 3 papers on that one.

I’m upset and disappointed he doesnt care I went to talk to him and he was ignoring me so I turned his PC off and honestly that gave a bigger reaction than him finding out he failed everything. I didn’t expect him to get the top grades or even pass everything just something at least. I feel like I’ve failed him and yes this is probably the tip of the iceberg but seeing parents today saying about how well their children have done even on the radio I heard it. I feel like such a shit parent because it does feel like im his parent really rather than his grandparent

I think it’s clear what the issue is, so not sure why you can’t see it. He’s feeling rejected by his parents who he as little contact with but sees that his siblings are a much loved part of their family. I’d suggest self referring to social services for some support. Look for an apprenticeship for him, he may finds that suits him better than a formal 6th form placement. Above all make it clear it’s not the end of the world and that he does have options. I’d also say he’s suffering from depression which will again link in with his feeling of rejection!

This is kid whose self confidence is in the gutter, no matter how much bravado he's currently putting around it.

It's a tough situation all round.

I think the first thing to address is the sleeping. He can't move onto anything keeping those sorts of hours. Again I know it's easier said than done.

Then he needs to do something, anything to see that there are ways to things outside of school. If he can't go to college, look at the King's Trust.

He won't think he needs any of it which will be a mass hurdle but this time is critical.

Hard as it is, try and not dwell on the results. Oh well that's school done. Let's find something that suits you. But be very clear that doing nothing isn't an option.

This time is critical. If he doesn't find something to do now, it will only get harder.

"she doesnt see him as her child but shes never tried to even get to know him on any other level but he just refers to her as “her” or a bitch which I always pull him up on"

This really got to me. It's no wonder he's acting out, he's carrying so much anger and pain, being rejected like this. And to see his mother caring for her other children must feel like a massive slap in the face.

I think nothing short of really good therapy/counselling is going to help this young man.

Feel incredibly sorry for both you and him. You didn’t have to raise him, that was an incredibly selfless decision and I’m certain many in your situation wouldn’t. Without you who knows where he’d have ended up, likely the care system. It doesn’t sound like his mum has fixed her life in any way since he was born which she definitely could have done.

Imagine how different his trajectory could have been if she had taken his birth as a wake up call, worked hard at school and done something decent with her life after so she could give him a stable upbringing. Instead she’s just stayed in a volatile relationship with his dad and had however many more children.

He’ll feel abandoned (quite rightly) by them as well because they raise his siblings and not him. The poor kid has been crying out and probably feels like no one hears him. He clearly needs substantial support from somewhere, as do you. What a thankless job for you.

OP, I don't think it sounds like you failed him at all, without you he may well have ended up in the care system. He's had a really difficult start to his life and it sounds like he's reacting to that. If anything it sounds like you've been let down by the social system.

Have you spoken to his GP? I know they're not always but mine was really helpful when my daughter was having mental health issues and we got her some counselling quite quickly and that really helped her. It sounds like you're both really struggling. I really hope you both get the help you need.

Hi @CuddlyBears I’m so sorry, this all sounds very difficult. Despite your interventions your GS has had an extremely hard time, he has no relationship with his mother or his siblings and has been rejected by his father. All of this will have had a significant impact. I also note that he was born prematurely. Can I ask if there’s any possibility your daughter could have been drinking alcohol or smoking while she was pregnant? (Especially as she didn’t know). Alcohol, even in small amounts can have a profound impact on brain development in utero. Research now suggests it is more damaging than ‘hard’ drugs and smoking too has far more impact on cognitive development and behaviour than was previously realised.

You need some decent professional help. In my experience your GP and CAMHS aren’t going to cut it. Are you in any support groups for adopters and special guardians? Either in real life or in Facebook etc? They can be a gold mine of information and will make you feel less alone. If you have the funds I would prioritise a private multi disciplinary assessment of your GS in the first instance. This MUST be with people who are specialists in early adversity, developmental trauma and FASD. People in the communities I’ve mentioned above can make recommendations for your area.

As previous posters have said, please don’t give the GCSEs any more thought, they are just a symptom. He can re-take them any time, or not at all.

The things you describe, including peeing in bottles are actually surprisingly common in children with attachment difficulties and early trauma. You have not been given the advice and support you needed. ‘Normal’ parenting is not enough for these children, so please ignore all the people who think they could have done better, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

You need help and it needs to be the right sort of highly specialist help (otherwise it can do more harm than good). Join the groups I’ve mentioned, look up therapeutic parenting, speak to children’s services and find out what support they have for special guardians (even if it’s just talking to other people who get it) and if you possibly can, get a private multidisciplinary assessment for you GS as soon as possible.

Your DGS has no attachment to either his mother or father and I can imagine that being the root of his problems, - formed since birth for the last fifteen years.

You have done all you can for him as a replacement mother figure but he must always have wondered why he wasn’t good enough for his parents, especially when they went on to have other children who were kept in the family unit instead of being rejected -as he had been rejected.

So OP please don’t blame yourself, because for all your hard work and love, care and efforts to provide for him, his abandonment by his parents was always there eating away at him, obstructing his thinking. You could never erase that from his developing mind. No wonder he hated them coming for Christmas. How can anything matter to him if the lack of any of his basic needs being met by his mum continue to haunt him…if only sub-consciously maybe.

School must have been a nightmare if he felt different to all the other children who lived with their mums and dads. He didn’t fit in so prefers his computer for company.

It’s a massive job to rewrite his entire childhood for him. He has to have professional help to attempt that. Do all you can to have his parents get professional help for him, now they can see the extent of the damage done to him. I understand that they probably need help themselves.
In the meantime, continue to let him know you will always love him, even through this very rough patch for him.
A few house rules could be introduced … and it should be explained to him that he is required to be in education or work. And that you will help him with that.
As other posters have said, the GCSE exams can always be retaken.
This doesn't mean that he hasn’t a future if he can help himself a little bit.

Maybe, if he can persuaded to engage, a local tradesman would take him on ..on a ad hoc basis to give him a bit of a break from his nocturnal gaming and to give him some practical experience for his CV. Surely his father could help with that. It shouldn’t all be down to you.
Or maybe you could sign him up to retake his English and Maths at a local college as a foundation for an apprenticeship in a year’s time.

None of it will be easy but at least there are options open to him.

The swearing and nasty comments are a defence mechanism OP. He’s lashing out because he’s hurting. Somewhere deep down I bet he really does care. But I understand how hard that must be for you to reach.
Hoping you find a way forward out of this to give him some hope. All the very best!

So good to see the parenting experts out in force 🙄

@AlgaeDreams op has literally asked for parenting advice!

I wish mumsnet would stop banging on aabout apprenticeships
They are really competative and most require at least maths and english grade 4
Unfortunley with the grades he has hes looking at a level 1 course.

DD lived with us for a few years. When I got guardianship she could've still raised him when she got older (as in it wasn't because she was riled unsafe) and I never stopped her being involved in his life

He was happy and well behaved growing up, things changed when he started seeing his dad with the attitude but that could've been a confidence with puberty. He had 2 friends at school but then he started refusing to go and he said he was being bullied school had no evidence of it and didn't deal with it well so I got him into another school for year 10 but nothing really changed, he made no friends and still refused to go. School tried to help but he didn’t engage in counselling, I got him a maths and english tutor which he had a few times a week and I couldn’t really afford and i knew he was unlikely to pass anything else but I thought he had a chance at maths and english.

School allowed him to do his exams in a different room away from everyone because he said he didn’t want to do them with everyone else in his year because they’d stare at him

He is still friends with the 2 friends but he doesnt go out with them or do anything with them. It’s his birthday in a few weeks and they’re meant to be coming over and i mentioned he has to tidy his room for then as I refuse to do it and he said they probably won’t come anyway and that was it

And your advice is ……?

Its easy to offer advice when weve not lived the life you have and so i dont want to come across as patronising or critiquing you as Im sure youve tried your best.

Something I think is important for anyone is community and ideally multiple small communities. And for children and young people this can help shape their identity. You havent mentioned any extra curriculars and how he got on at them? What were his clubs as a child and young teen? And it doesnt sound like he is part of any communities at the moment.

Have you heard of social prescribing as this is something I feel he may benefit from.

Id suggest a young person is involved in:

structured club like cadets, whether army, navy or air - as it offers discipline and great experiences and trips.

Team sport - rugby, football or whatever is available

Creative club - art class or group music lessons

Exercise - park run, athletics, teen gym session, teen swimming lessons, martial arts etc

Plus different areas have their own unique clubs on top or a social club like gaming or dungeons and dragons if thats his thing.

I'd abandon education for him at this point and use his kinship carer allowance to impose fun and activities and being part of several small communities, i know where i live its £250per week so theres a lot of scope to link him into activities.

Give that a shot and see if he improves, then engage him in your local employability service with the council who normally offer confidence building short courses in preparation for study or employment.

He has had a shit life and gaming and weed is pure eacapism.

But he can go on to have a good life, many people with shit parents do, although it colours your life forever and he just needs to learn to live with it. Which will likely take years of time and growth in maturity and therapy.

Also where does he get the weed?

So yes thats my suggestions and as I say not trying to be patronising.

And i do agree you need your own therapy, you cant help anyone if you crumble under the stress and some social prescribing for yourself too while your at it, as you also deserve your own little communities, some joy and relaxation. X

@ReversaName i mean her daughter had two teenage pregnancies and that has led to this situation her grandson is in. She has made an exceptional decision to take him on and bring him up; but I am suggesting the reasons this has happened are under the ops responsibility as a parent. No one is perfect; but boundaries need to be set in place from a young age or these are possible consequences; I would not be surprised in the slightest if drugs become involved given the path he is on and the situation in which he finds himself. I am sorry if my take is unkind; but I do think by looking critically at things we can find ways to solve problems / do things differently for a better outcome. I think as parents this is what we all try and do all the time. This situation is very complex and I do have sympathy for op; however much of the blame lies with her daughters’ decisions and choices; and many of those were set in motion when she was a minor under parental responsibility.

So yes I'd try to arrange 1 club per day on a schedule for him, usually clubs are 1-2 hrs so this is a low commitment and should be an enjoyable experience for him. If he doesnt like one club from one category for instance team sport and football was first try, then he tries it 3 times to make sure he doesnt like it as the 1st time everyone is anxious, 2nd a bit more relaxed and 3 have their bearings so can make a proper decision - then just try something else like rugby.

Dont give up on the category, just move to something else within it if you see what i mean. The goal is to find a club he enjoys, i mean even if its his local bowls/lawn bowing team, as long as its a team sport, you just have to keep trying.

But that applies for all categories.

I think 1 club everyday would be a good commitment and if hes really refusing then I'd use his kinship alllwance to incentivise him and offer £5 of in game spending money per club attended per day...to get him started..who knows he might find his feet and start moving forward once he builds some self-esteem.

He needa communities and fun.

Not cash as he'll spend it on weed.

This does seem to identify generational family dysfunction. @CuddlyBears, what
was your upbringing like?

I don’t ask this in order to blame you, but is there a pattern here? Because your DGS is at an age where he could father a DC.

Does he have a girlfriend?

I really do feel for you OP, this is not a good way to live for anyone involved. It is also not good for society.

Is there no one you could reach out to to
mentor your DGS. That is what he needs. He is beyond many solutions offered by well meaning PPs.

Many years ago I volunteered at an organisation that mentored boys just like your DS. Boys from the age is 11 to 16, from various family situations. Boys who hadn’t ever been to the cinema, never been swimming, never had access to anything that is considered normal in life.

I think we did make a difference, I think I did make a difference to a couple of the boys.

Forget school, college, apprenticeships or even work, he is not at that level yet, he needs a one to one mentor that open his eyes to the possibility of a life that he has absolutely no access to and never will until there is some very personal intervention.

I presume he has plans for a college course because that would be the next step a school would suggest - long before results. It would be level 1 or 2 with resit maths and english. If you didn't work closely with school then its now too late. Overall it is probably late as you should have been more proactive sooner, rather than sounding surprised that turning off the PS4 got a stronger reaction than the results envelope. A real situation? not so sure.

It’s really not as easy as that when you have a child who has been abandoned by both parents. It sounds like the OP has not had any professional support in navigating supporting him and his traumatic upbringing.

Hi OP, sounds like a very difficult situation for your whole family, but especially your GS who's probably tried to mask how he feels about his situation & now just can't anymore. I think if you look towards adoption resources you will find much better advice & guidance. He probably had some fantasies about how his life would change when he met his birth dad & when he was let down again everything began to unravel. Failed GCSEs might be due to low self esteem/self sabotage etc..

Forget about gcse grades, they are the least important thing right now. He sounds desperately unhappy with lots to unpick. What happened to the camhs referral?

He's a child OP, why has he been allowed to game all the time, let alone vape and take drugs?

Self harming and peeing in bottles is showing he's struggling with significant MH issues OP. This needs sorting rather than focusing on GCSEs, which he can resit when he's ready

@CuddlyBears

You have had very many non-trauma-informed responses on here. If I were you, I would repost on the adoption board for more considered help and support. As a Kinship carer, are you connected with the organisation Kinship? You would be eligible to access the Adoption & Special Guardianship Fund (drastically cut by the Government last year). You will need to contact your appropriate regional adoption agency to get the ball rolling. Personally, I would push for a full neurodevelopmental assessment for your grandson in order to inform next steps. You will also be able to access help from your local authority Virtual School but be warned they often do not want to support kinship or adoptive children even though they have a legal obligation to do so. Have you looked at therapeutic parenting resources? Plus NVR? I don’t want to bombard you with too much stuff but if you can give me a baseline of what you have accessed so far, then I’m really happy to research and post further resources for you. Also, please ignore those insinuating that it’s your parenting to blame and things would have been rosy if you had held boundaries etc. These people will have no experience of children who live with complex trauma and disordered attachments.

That’s a vile response. OP’s GS will have trauma from being separated and rejected by his parents. That isn’t OP’s fault. The boy needs help, his behaviour screams unresolved trauma.