To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

[TwinklyPoster]

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

Naming babies for family members is a totally common, widespread, normal thing. It doesn't mean people think their baby is a copy of another family member

It does sound very one sided op. You named your child after your dad and grandad. Using both of your surnames does not even that out. It’s your choice though, but I would’ve expected it to raise eyebrows.

We used a first name from DH’s family and middle name from my family for DS. DD1 had a first name and middle name, that go together from DH’s ancestors, and I gave DD2 my two favourite first names. Actually, her first name was a common name in my maternal family.

IMO, it’s only reasonable to give a nod to both families. These things were more important to earlier generations, when it was expected to name children after the parents and grandparents, and use the mother’s maiden name, as a middle name for some of the children.

This is way too often. I have a newish grandchild, we have visited about once a week. There needs to be a set of rules

1. check before you visit that you will be welcome
2. take something in your hand (cakes/biscuits)
3. Ask if there is anything they need from the shops.
4. Follow their rules about holding baby etc.
5. Ask how you can help and do that and only that
6. Don’t say anything that starts with ‘in my day we’
7. Leave again after a visit, don’t settle in for the day
8. Don’t go back the next day.

I don’t care about names of other peoples children. If I do have a DIL I will let her make her decisions I won’t tell them what to do.
Ive seen my mum and my fathers mum and my fathers mum had maintained never telling my mother what to do and they have a great relationship. She is 98 this year but my mum goes to see very 2/3 times a week they have a very good relationship and my mother said that is only because my grandmother never ever told her what to do or expected her to be anything but herself. My son is happy and healthy that is all that matters no what his name is or who’s name it is as long as DH and I are on the same page in agreement why does it matter.

No he is named after Ops dad and grandfather then has both surnames.

Well I’d she hates it then don’t come to see him simple as. He’s not her property or anyone else. Her opinion on our son will never matter. She had 7 other grandchildren yet she doesn’t care about them or even call in to see them. DHs brother has a son at the start of this year, she wasn’t calling in everyday, she’s seen her grandson less than 10 times. Yet ours she has seen almost everyday and is obsessed with using him as competition. She posted a picture of her holding him on her Facebook I told her to remove it or she will never get to see our son again if she can’t respect boundaries. I made it clear we do not want our son online yet she broke it just because he’s still a baby. She had no respect our autonomy. She thinks we are all insane because none of the others want her to post their children either she takes it so personally. She’s nuts. I’ve told her to go volunteer or something as she is clearly bored.

You and your husband obviously get to choose the name (unless there's cultural reasons you've not mentioned).
But it does seem unfair you've doubly honoured your side and not bothered with his at all-and the fact she knows about this maybe suggests you've gone on about it? As in, if he was just called James Edward (or any names that could belong to any period), she wouldn't have known. And maybe it's a last straw situation, as in you've made her not feel welcome and included? You could add another name as an extra "middle"-they're seldom really used anyway, and it would sort out the situation easily, and try to make her feel welcome, for the sake of your child.
It just seems so sad for your husband, and all of you really, to be arguing at what should be a happy time.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, OP.

Even if your child had first, middle and surname all completely and only from your side that isn’t the MIL’s business.

As it is, you have told her so let it go.

If she brings it up again, leave her company.

It’s clear you don’t like her so ensure that your DH is doing the facilitating of time she spends with your DS. Every day is too much so soon as well, get DH to limit her to twice a week or three times. He then has to be around when she visits.

Right now, you are the most vulnerable you will ever be so it’s your DH’s role to ensure you’re safe and comfortable and free of stress.

Healthy and established boundaries now will make the future easier for everyone.

Why would I be sad for my husband ?

Traditionally the 1st born son took paternal line names

I am 65 and have never heard this before. Maybe this was the case in the aristocracy. It certainly isn't something that's ever happened in either my family or my husband's.

Baffling that anybody else should ever feel she should have been consulted about your baby's name.

They are unreasonable to be furious or to believe they should be consulted on what someone else’s baby should be called. I absolutely would have snapped too. In fact I said something very similar to my exMIL when she whinged that she didn’t like my daughter’s name. Over and over. Ridiculous behaviour. Hopefully your in-laws will calm the fuck down and shut the fuck up about it now as it’s only them who are losing out if they don’t.

No not royal family ahaha. My husband did not want our son having his fathers name or his grandfathers name.

So was he always going to be named after a father or GF?

I had this 24 years ago... My then mother in law wanted a very old fashioned name, not remotely suited and boy oh boy did my MIL go on and on about it, didn't even use any family names! My sister had the same from our mum as she named her daughter after her mother in law, thought that would be fine because the MIL first name was my mum's middle name, but nope... Then my sister got into trouble again with baby number 2 as she called her son after his paternal grandfather who went actually a blood relative and didn't use either of my dad's names LOL.
She sounds like a little bit of boundary setting might be useful! My MIL picked up my then newborn and crooned 'my baby, my baby' even the midwife told her to put him down and leave!

Great answer.
Respect, OP!

She sounds a delight!

It's entirely up to you a d your husband what you call your child . I do hope husband really is as onboard with both names being your family names as you say .IF he isby and is just going along with it or not pushing for a easy life then it may very well lead to resentment from him in future especially IF he feels he has to agree with you to keep the peace alot . Of course your husband might be completely inside as you claim and in that case it's up to him to deal with his parents hurt feelings.

Wow - some of the responses on this thread are mad. Just as bonkers as the "well I chose x as my bridesmaid but she hasn't invited me to be hers - waaaah, it's not fair".

OP, I think you did the right thing saying what you did. Makes a refreshing change from "Oh, I am a pathetic, wet lettuce people pleaser so I just went along with it" or "I was soooo taken aback that I just stood there with my mouth hanging open and didn't say a dicky bird".

You and your DH have chosen names that you both like. It doesn't matter if they are from "your" side of the family or "his" side. Your baby is an individual and has his own names that you both have chosen for him.

None of my GCs have first names that are from either side of the family. That's fine - there are lots of names in the world and they have the names that their parents chose for them. GC4 has two middle names - one is a family name from "our" side and the other is a family name from "the other" side. It so happens that the name from the "other side" was my grandfather's name. He died long before my children were born and I'm not sure they would even know his first name to pick it in the first place. It's just a name. It's not a competition.

Sounds like the problem is more that you need to see her less often. Neither of you have a good relationship with her (and as her other children don't either, I suspect the problem is her not you ...) so there is really no reason to change that and let her come every day just because you've had a baby.

The name is up to you and your DH and as you're obviously both happy about that, you're not unreasonable to tell her to stop going on.

Congratulations on your new baby OP.

Well done on standing up for yourself. Don’t answer the door next time she knocks.

I can see both sides. Of course call him what you want, and agree it is none of her business. But I think it's odd that you are happy to acknowlthst your dad is completely thrilled to have the baby named after him, while not acknowledging that she might feel hurt that their side of the family hasn't been included in the same way

I’m beginning to think I’ve stumbled on some ancient forum from the Tang Dynasty arguing about naming heirs in the Imperial Court. 🫤

She should keep her views to herself but it's odd that both names are from your side in my opinion, so I can see why she's a bit put out.

We were lucky as my father happened to have the same name as my DH's grandfather so that was an easy choice.

Parents get to pick the name. She hasn’t stopped going on for three weeks about it then snapping at her isn’t unsurprising.

what I am perplexed with is her visiting every day…. Do you not say no? I don’t get it, especially if you have nothing more than a cordial relationship with her. I don’t get the competition either or what she is trying to prove

It is very odd a parent interfering with a grandchild's name.