AIBU to worry a new baby could affect my daughter?

[workingmama111]

My partner and I are thinking about having a baby together, and I’m feeling really emotional about it.
I have a 5-year-old daughter and it’s been just me and her for so long. We’re incredibly close, and I think that’s why the thought of having another baby scares me so much. I’m worried that she might feel pushed aside, replaced or somehow distant from me once there’s a baby needing so much of my attention.

My partner doesn’t have children of his own, and I finally feel like I’m ready too. I really want to experience having a baby with him and growing our family, and I can genuinely picture us having another child. But then I think about my daughter and feel this huge sense of guilt and fear.
At the same time, I actually think it could be really lovely for her to have a sibling. I don’t have much family myself, and sometimes I think about her growing up and wish she had more family around her. I love the idea of her having someone who is there throughout her life, even though I know siblings don’t automatically become best friends!
She also has a beautiful relationship with her stepdad, and her dad is very much in the picture. We all get along well, so she has lots of people who love her. I think I’m just particularly protective because our relationship has been the one constant for so long.

I guess I’m finally at a point where I feel ready for another baby, but I’m scared that making that choice could hurt my daughter emotionally.
For anyone who had a second child when their first was around 5-6 did you have these same worries? How did your older child actually find it? Did your relationship with them change? And did you ever look back and feel that having another child was the right decision for your family?

@Anarchy99 did you have good relationship with your stepdad? I had that fear but at the same time o had horrible experience with all of my mum’s partners so that what the main reason why. Although I have to say, I wish I had someone besides my brother now. I guess we’re all different and it’s 50/50 chance for pretty much any scenario.

My daughter loves the idea of being a big sister but I wouldn’t base my decision on her as that wouldn’t be realistic and fair.

I love my dad and he has been the best father ever. My bio ‘father’ was abusive to my mum (which apparently I witnessed) but luckily she had the guts to leave (rarer in the 70s when it happened) There were no other partners in the picture to come into my life luckily. I think that was part of it - I assumed he wouldn’t love me like he would love a bio child if he had his own (and in fact plenty of people on MN seem to think that is the case!).

I am ND and my thinking, even as a small child, was more logical than emotional so that might have contributed. I never wanted a half sibling and even now I would not be convinced that I would be anything other than second best.

I also wasn’t a little girl that liked dolls, babies etc, so it held no appeal!

One last thing I’ve noticed in the comments. Her bio dad likes to refer to himself as part time dad and he really is. She goes to his house every other weekend (Friday evening to Sunday afternoon). Holidays and everything else covered by me and her step dad. It wouldn’t be a huge shock in terms of time to ourselves as we’re pretty much together all the time anyways.

I had a five-year gap. The one thing I would advise, for your sake and your eldest's sake, is make sure when the baby comes you still get times when someone takes the BABY away so you can have time with your firstborn. Because everyone around you will assume they're helping by taking away the older child. And yes, you will miss them, and be hormonal, and need the reassurance of you eldest -- as will your eldest. At least that's what I found!

My daughter was 5 when my son was born. It's the absolute best ! It's such a great age that they are fully aware of what going on and can be hands on and helpful. I think it will be great for her

Are they full or half siblings? I think it can make a difference

@Anarchy99 and how is that? Can you explain? Have you got any personal experience or?

I’m sure your daughter would be fine. But I wouldn’t have a baby with someone who wasn’t 100% on board.

@Candleabra of course, it wouldn’t be in the plans if that was the case

i was in a similar situation although still with her dad but me and her did everything together. Her brother was born in March and she was 6 in April.

We still do a lot and just tag her little brother with us. She loves him now as his smiling and laughing at her. She didn’t think he liked her because he only smiled at me 🤣 we saved really hard and we’ve had a great six weeks holiday.

its not all sunshine’s and there has been difficult times but she has transitioned well

Explain what, sorry?(It’s 2am and my brain isn’t at its best 🤣)

Ok sorry, I read your earlier comment “he’s not desperate to have bio kids, never has been.” and interpreted this as a degree of ambivalence on his part.

@Candleabra no somebody asked if he was desperate to have bio children which I guess would be an indication of him changing towards my daughter. He said he’s excited to have another child, but never came across as desperate.

My DS was 13 when his brother(half brother) was born. Long story short , it was the best thing I did for him in his words giving him a brother. They are best friends . He even volunteered to pick him up from school and they have an amazing relationship. His relationship with his stepfather did not change and he never felt he was treated differently. Like others have said , it could go either way but then again, even full siblings could have face the same issues. Goodluck OP.

@Fokouebiyemassi loved reading that! Well done mama x

You almost owe an existence to the thought-baby - you sound like a brilliant mum. Mine were 3.5 years apart and yesterday they were building an IKEA flat pack together amidst peals of laughter. It’s priceless. Go for it.