AIBU to worry a new baby could affect my daughter?

[workingmama111]

My partner and I are thinking about having a baby together, and I’m feeling really emotional about it.
I have a 5-year-old daughter and it’s been just me and her for so long. We’re incredibly close, and I think that’s why the thought of having another baby scares me so much. I’m worried that she might feel pushed aside, replaced or somehow distant from me once there’s a baby needing so much of my attention.

My partner doesn’t have children of his own, and I finally feel like I’m ready too. I really want to experience having a baby with him and growing our family, and I can genuinely picture us having another child. But then I think about my daughter and feel this huge sense of guilt and fear.
At the same time, I actually think it could be really lovely for her to have a sibling. I don’t have much family myself, and sometimes I think about her growing up and wish she had more family around her. I love the idea of her having someone who is there throughout her life, even though I know siblings don’t automatically become best friends!
She also has a beautiful relationship with her stepdad, and her dad is very much in the picture. We all get along well, so she has lots of people who love her. I think I’m just particularly protective because our relationship has been the one constant for so long.

I guess I’m finally at a point where I feel ready for another baby, but I’m scared that making that choice could hurt my daughter emotionally.
For anyone who had a second child when their first was around 5-6 did you have these same worries? How did your older child actually find it? Did your relationship with them change? And did you ever look back and feel that having another child was the right decision for your family?

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

^ this. Key bit of info missing.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne 3.5 years

Do you feel ready for another baby or foes it feel like your relationship and family is ready for another addition?
How long has your DD known your boyfriend?

So I'm confused about the bit about it being just you and her for so long - she won't actually remember a time when you were not with him, surely?

@takealettermsjones what I meant by that is that all my time, energy, love and everything else goes into her. I prioritise 1:1 time with her and that’s what I mean when I say me and her. Where’s in case of a new addition my attention will be divided and it won’t be just me and her all the time. I hope it makes sense.

There's just over a 5 year gap between mine it was great. My eldest just started school when my youngest was born so I spent my days with my youngest and had time with my eldest when my youngest went for a nap or was in bed. Really good age gap.

I think that all mothers can't imagine how they'll feel if they have a second baby.

It can sometimes feel like a betrayal of the first baby.

But you'll find that there's enough love for the new one. It's hard to explain but you can love another baby, and the vast majority of children like having a sibling.

Lots of people have more than 1 child and lots of children have siblings.

Im sure you dd will be as fine as they are.

Lots of people also choose to stick at one and that’s ok too.

But it has to be what you want.

It might be good for her to learn to share your love and attention.

She might love it or she might hate it OP. It's pot luck really. What I would say is that your DP will naturally be more focused on his own child going forward. I know you'll say that won't happen because he's a wonderful man, but realistically it will. And you will naturally be fully engrossed in the new baby. In which case your DD might feel she's lost both of you.

I have a 5 year age gap. It’s been amazing.
DS had not long started school so he was busy through the week, I had time with the baby, and weekends we made about him.

DD is 2.5 now and they have such an amazing relationship.

It wasn’t an intentional gap, I did want a 2 year gap but I’m pleased it worked out how it did as it went better than I expected.

your feelings are totally valid, I was worried I was going to ruin his life.

You are not unreasonable to want another child but neither are you unreasonable to be concerned about the impact on your daughter.
All children experience jealousy when they have a new sibling that is natural and in some ways it's good for a child not to be the sole focus of their parents . But when the two children are half siblings it can be more difficult. Your husband's relationship with your daughter may change are you prepared for that? He may treat his own child differently from your's. It's something you both need to talk honestly about

It does. I think the fact that she's known him for a long time makes it easier - as it's not a series of changes all close together.

I think all parents have these worries when going from one to two. It definitely can be a struggle, and I won't lie, your daughter might well feel pushed out at first. You just have to make a plan, lean on family support where you can, and figure out ways to keep her both included with caring for the baby and also special in her own right (as the big girl).

But it is certainly doable, so many people do it. If I'm really honest in your shoes I would be more concerned about being sure I was ready to tie myself forever to the partner! But maybe that's just me... 😂

The age gap is fine.

Think carefully about the disparities that might exist between the kids and whether you are ready for that. You say she has a good relationship with her father and their family. Would you, and they, be able to navigate the inevitable differences between them? Inheritance/time/attention/non-divorced parents vs divorced parents? What if her dad were to have be kids too?

I would spend some time on the stepparents forum and base my decision on that, not on the age gap.

You’ve been together 3.5years. How long has he been in your child life? How long have you lived together?

Where is your daughter dad and what involvement does he/his family have with your daughter?

Remember if you have another baby you’ll be making a blended family.

Where one child will be living with both of their parents while one possibly will be splitting time between homes. or one has a deadbeat and grows up watching their little sibling have a parent who actually cares while knowing theirs doesn’t give a shit.

Also your boyfriend’s family.

How they treat your daughter vs how they might treat a new biological grandchild. That’s not something to be glossed over.

She'll mind but she'd mind even if the age gap was smaller or bigger and they had the same father. She'll be going from an only child to one of two.

Her father would probably not be worrying about this if it were him and his partner thinking of having a child.

Your daughter is growing up and will become more independent.

The issue I'd be worrying about would be the DC2 living with 2 parents compared to DC1 living with a parent and step-parents. I've read many threads on here of perfect step-dads who detach from their step-child when he has a child of his own.

I can completely understand what you are saying. I think you are right to.think hard about this, too many people rush into having a bab just because they want it to be their together baby. It will probably all be fine in the long terrm, but it will have an effect on your relationship and, in the short term, probably her behaviour too. For me, I have always said that I wouldn't have further children if a relationship failed as I don't like the differences and complications it brings, however many people do so and feel happy with their choices, it just depends what is right for you at this point in your life.

It's always difficult and an adjustment for a child to have a sibling. That doesn't mean its not ultimately often a positive for them.

As a pp has said I think the bigger area of risk in a blended family is:

• your partner treating his step child and bio child differently. Which he well might if he is desperate for a baby so that he has a bio child (as this implies there is something missing from his relationship with his step child/ he doesn't consider her to be his family)
• your partners family treating your first child differently from any new child. There are lots of posts on here from families inviting bio grand kids / cousins to weddings or on holidays but not step children, buying them different Christmas presents, helping differently with childcare etc. For instance if your child has to go to holiday club in the holidays but their sibling goes to grandparents
• future inheritance. If you left stuff to your partner, would he pass it to your child? What would he do with any inheritance from his parents, would it pass to the new child only? This can mean that there is a massive disparity between children
• Also if you split and one child has significant time with their dad, gets bought stuff etc but the other doesn't

These things can be much harder to get over compared to the 'trauma' of getting a new swing which is usually relatively quickly forgotten⁸

Its upto you and your partner to make sure she doesnt feel pushed aside. Include her in everything, explain that she will become a big sister. Give her little tasks to do. Make her feel important

@DrinkFeckArseBrick he’s not desperate to have bio kids, never has been. From the beginning I said I don’t want anymore children due to my experience, but with how life has been working out those changes don’t seem to be as scary as when we originally started dating. I was the one to bring it up and after a long chat it seems like we’re both on the same page.

In terms of his family, it’s only his mum who’s been treating my daughter like her own granddaughter from the beginning, never had any issues. Sadly my own parents/or my ex parents are nowhere near as involved.

I personally think it will have a horrible, lifelong effect on your daughter. She automatically becomes the outsider in the family. You and your boyfriend and your shared child, plus her that doesn't fully belong. No matter how great you think the relationship is between her and your boyfriend they are not parent and child and never will be, and him loving his own child will make that difference more stark. She'll also become a difficult teen while his child is still a relatively easier to manage child and so will look worse by comparison as his child won't have been through that stage yet so will be the problem in the house. I genuinely wouldn't ever do this to my child. You brought her into this world and you owe her the best life that you can give her - she doesn't need less of your time and attention and to be an outsider in her own home by default. I know this sounds harsh but you wanted truthful opinions and this is my lived one.

@Worldinyourhands wow that’s quite a bit of negativity. Is this your experience? I have a brother from my dad’s side and to be honest he’s been like my first baby. I have no other siblings and although there’s a big age gap between us I wouldn’t change it one bit.

I’m sure your dd would love a baby and the amazing thing about having another child is you don’t have to share the existing love it just multiplies.

Some things I would consider, is having a biological child likely to change how your partner feels about your dd. ? What about your in-laws? Will they love your dd or will she be poor relation in their eyes. ?

@likeitshard thank you! I touched on that here. It’s just his mum and we’re close with his cousin family. He doesn’t have any siblings.