AIBU to worry a new baby could affect my daughter?

[workingmama111]

My partner and I are thinking about having a baby together, and I’m feeling really emotional about it.
I have a 5-year-old daughter and it’s been just me and her for so long. We’re incredibly close, and I think that’s why the thought of having another baby scares me so much. I’m worried that she might feel pushed aside, replaced or somehow distant from me once there’s a baby needing so much of my attention.

My partner doesn’t have children of his own, and I finally feel like I’m ready too. I really want to experience having a baby with him and growing our family, and I can genuinely picture us having another child. But then I think about my daughter and feel this huge sense of guilt and fear.
At the same time, I actually think it could be really lovely for her to have a sibling. I don’t have much family myself, and sometimes I think about her growing up and wish she had more family around her. I love the idea of her having someone who is there throughout her life, even though I know siblings don’t automatically become best friends!
She also has a beautiful relationship with her stepdad, and her dad is very much in the picture. We all get along well, so she has lots of people who love her. I think I’m just particularly protective because our relationship has been the one constant for so long.

I guess I’m finally at a point where I feel ready for another baby, but I’m scared that making that choice could hurt my daughter emotionally.
For anyone who had a second child when their first was around 5-6 did you have these same worries? How did your older child actually find it? Did your relationship with them change? And did you ever look back and feel that having another child was the right decision for your family?

Only if they test them differently. Biological parents can also treat their kids differently

They will treat them differently. DC1 is likely to be part of two blended families, the baby won't.

Are you prepared to leave him if he changes towards your daughter?

So DC 1 gets the better deal then.

Just be chill and your dd will be chill.
Families come in different forms.
If you are anxious and worried she will be.

I think the tricky thing with the different father is that I remember when DC2 was born my DH had to almost fully take over things like DC1s bedtime and meals as I had needy babies that wouldn't be put down easily and cluster fed a lot. This was completely fine as DH is DC1s biological dad and they were very close but I can see how this could be very different with your DH not being related.

2 step-parents, possibly 2 sets of half-siblings and step-siblings, 2 homes, 2 sets of step-relatives that might not see her as family...

Is there any particular reason why you're not considering marrying him but only thinking about having a baby with him? Is he really up for the full commitment?

So he's been in your daughter's life. So long she won't remember him not being there.

Given that he's been in her life since she can remember.And she's still pretty young.I think it should be fine.

@WhatNoRaisins he does all of that now, can’t see that being an issue then.

I felt the same way when my daughter was born, my son was only 19 months old. Over time I’ve managed to split my time so that they each get one on one time, particularly when my youngest napped that was really precious time for me to spend with my son. Now that she’s older, I’ve realised that he has just gained another human that loves him and a playmate for life, they absolutely adore each other

My age gap was much longer. My son was 9 when I met my now husband and 13 when my next child was born. I was concerned he was too old to adjust and would feel replaced or resent me. I have had 2 more children since then and it has really enhanced his life. I still make time for him as best I can but we involve him 100% and he knows he is very much a part of the family. His siblings adore him and look up to him so much. He loves our now large family, I had my last 3 children within 4 years so it was a big adjustment and i am always careful to give him his own space which was probably easier as he was older so needed me less intensely, but very much needed support through the teen years. He's now 19. I also want him to have others to call on when he's older and hopefully that's the case now. I can only speak for my own experience of course but it has been very positive.

Have a baby.

Your daughter will be fine. My half sister is 6 years younger than me and my very best friend (grew up together). I adore her.

Also your message and concern for your child show me you are a wonderful and considerate mother who will make it all work.

Only thing I would say is ensure you are financially as independent as possible if you are going to have a baby/be on maternity leave etc. I am sure your relationship is good but you become vulnerable pregnant/Postpartum.

@Nurseposter123 thank you for that 3rd part of your message, I needed it today x

As for age gaps, I think that they all have different pros and cons.

I have pretty much all those. Except the step relatives

Hi OP, I was once the six year old with a new baby half brother! We are the best of friends now, and I wasn’t upset about him at the time.

On the other hand, lots of my friends have struggled with their first borns, who have become extremely unsettled after a new baby - with or without the same partner. You just can’t predict it.

Also, despite how close me and my brother are, the blended family aspect has always caused us all major headaches. Didn’t help when more divorces and extra step siblings came along. I’ve never really felt like I fully
belong anywhere. It’s made me certain I’ll never impose similar on my DD.

I can’t comment on the blended family aspect, but there’s five years between my two DDs.

I had the same concerns as you about my eldest and how she would react to no longer being an only child. But she was besotted with her sister from day one. They’re now 7 and 2 and they adore each other, the bond between them is so lovely to see. I’ve found it to be a really nice age gap.

Honestly it sounds like the set up you have works as it is
Does your daughter spend time at her dad’s? If so, how would she feel that she moves between two houses while her sibling stays put?

Also, she is at a nicer age now to enjoy family time. Think of the activities and days out you can’t do with a baby around.

have you thought about what would happen if yous don’t stay together you could potentially be a single parent all again , not all men but some don’t show there true colours until they “tie “ you down.

if it’s what you really want and you can cope if you think of every scenario go for it

You are overthinking this.

That's different - I'm willing to bet you didn't live with your dad full time so you weren't any less part of the family. Living with a biological family as the one that's only half related to the sibling and not related to one parent at all has effects. You asked so I gave you an honest answer that it's very unlikely to be in your daughter's best interests, and she was here first so her needs should come first.

Sorry wrong quote

It’s normal what you feel. When I got pregnant with my second one (a much wanted baby), I was feeling so guilty to the point that when he was born I felt I didn’t want him. It took me about a year to get over it and properly bond. But now I love him to bits and I cannot imagine not having him. Adding the 3rd one in the mix was much easier for me as I learnt how to balance my time and split attention and make peace that I will never be 100% with any of them and that’s ok.

Whether your daughter is pushed out of not is in your gift, you are her mum and you have the power to continue to put her first or not.

It will be hard for her as your partner will lean towards his own child as well it's his own child naturally

A second child always pushes the first into a different situation with less attention but it's all down to you how affected your daughter is.

Have you had a frank conversation with your partner to understand his view on this, how does he behave to her now?

Sounds stupid but trouble comes again in later life, agree what happens to her if you die first, sort out your wills now to include her, if you get married what happens to her name? Think about all these things now.

Tricky I wouldn't but lots do.l