AIBU to worry a new baby could affect my daughter?

[workingmama111]

My partner and I are thinking about having a baby together, and I’m feeling really emotional about it.
I have a 5-year-old daughter and it’s been just me and her for so long. We’re incredibly close, and I think that’s why the thought of having another baby scares me so much. I’m worried that she might feel pushed aside, replaced or somehow distant from me once there’s a baby needing so much of my attention.

My partner doesn’t have children of his own, and I finally feel like I’m ready too. I really want to experience having a baby with him and growing our family, and I can genuinely picture us having another child. But then I think about my daughter and feel this huge sense of guilt and fear.
At the same time, I actually think it could be really lovely for her to have a sibling. I don’t have much family myself, and sometimes I think about her growing up and wish she had more family around her. I love the idea of her having someone who is there throughout her life, even though I know siblings don’t automatically become best friends!
She also has a beautiful relationship with her stepdad, and her dad is very much in the picture. We all get along well, so she has lots of people who love her. I think I’m just particularly protective because our relationship has been the one constant for so long.

I guess I’m finally at a point where I feel ready for another baby, but I’m scared that making that choice could hurt my daughter emotionally.
For anyone who had a second child when their first was around 5-6 did you have these same worries? How did your older child actually find it? Did your relationship with them change? And did you ever look back and feel that having another child was the right decision for your family?

This is unfair and feels like you are really projecting.

Literally every parent has a moment of freaking out that they have ruined their child's life by having another baby. Very few have. Literally every child with a sibling says they ruined their lives at least once. Very few did. It's part and parcel of life.

All you can do is make the best decision with the information you have available. The child might not be great for your daughter or they might be. Odds are they'll be somewhere in the middle.

@Username7258 thank you for that. Like I feel like I know this but I think I’m letting my overthinking control me and I’m freaking out a little 🤣

The issue isn't your daughter. She'll be fine. I wouldn't be having a baby with a man I am not married to though. Sort out your legal protections first whether via marriage or another route.

If you've any doubts don't do it, would be my advice. Having a kid can be very tough anyway, especially when you already have one, and if it's with a new partner, even harder, so if you're unsure, then that just makes a difficult situation far worse.

@Pistachiocake thank you. I agree. But I don’t feel like I have doubts about the baby it’s more that I’m worried about my daughter being ok. I mean I’ll do my best to make sure that she is. I guess I’m letting my overthinking brain take over at this point 😀

I know it sounds old fashioned OP but this was my thought too, particularly as you will be leaving your elder child vulnerable too if the relationship breaks down and you’ve been a year out of the job market on maternity leave raising the child of a man who you’re not married to.

The security and financial benefits of being married mean that you are protecting your family’s future.

I have seen a friend get royally fucked over by a man she was never married to skipping off when it suited him, leaving her with two children to raise alone. I’m not saying it will happen but if it does, you want to have some protection.

@getawayfromme yes that’s the plan!

It will change the dynamic of things OP but having a new baby always does, regardless of whether it’s a full or half sibling.

I would wonder to what extent your DP takes on the role of a father with your DD. This could be really important as the family gets used to a new baby.

@Sarah2891 It’s actually pretty common scenario. Dc 2 becomes the golden child and dc 1 feels ignored. DC1 has had 5/6 years of undivided attention. Now the baby gets all the love and attention whilst dc1 is in school. Holidays are geared to where baby can go. Life is geared to the baby - it’s just inevitable that a school age child notices. Many 3 year olds notice too.

Going off the rails as a teen Probsbly won’t happen but you would be surprised how often the needs of the older child is overlooked because the young one cannot do it. Or there’s not enough money etc or the older child, especially a girl, is expected to be mums little helper. I’d be wary, especially if not married.

The financial side and benefit of being married might be different friending on what OP is bringing to the table. If she owns the property they live in then it won’t necessarily be beneficial to get married

@Crumpetring He’s always been involved from things like school pick ups if I am working late, bedtime routine, playing together, showing up to school things/after school activities if asked by her or needed. I’d say he’s been really good, I don’t want to sound like I am idolising our situation just naming couple of things that come to mind at this moment.

I would do a lot of reading about other people's experiences of blended families. A lot of people seem to rush into them without giving it much thought and there's no excuse for it given how much information is available. It's not necessarily a bad thing to do but it should be done thoughtfully.

I had my second baby when my older child was three and a half, and I worried about this so much. It’s a big adjustment, especially as the baby gets older and his/her needs and abilities change. But it’s not going to ruin your relationship with your daughter, and your relationship with your daughter will inevitably change as she gets older whether you have another baby or not.

Tell him sooner rather than later if you don’t want more children so that he can move on and find someone who does. I was in his position but as a woman. My DP with two kids changed his mind and did a completely 180 about wanting more kids after stringing me along for years and talking consistently about wanting more kids.

@catcatmewomeow he’s been very aware of this since before we started dating and was fine with that. It was also me who changed my mind and brought the subject up.

A bit dramatic ? Predicting the entire life of a child who hasnt even been conceived, let alone born!!

There’s always a lot of talk and consideration towards the firstborn when they get a sibling for the first time, but it’s worth mentioning that there are also plenty of little girls who adore their baby brothers/ sisters.

i have been surprised to discover that my second born gets much more jealous of the firstborn than the other way round!

Thank you all 😝

This is major projection!

But that can be the same when a child has the same biological parents. Especially if the dad was keen for a boy and the eldest is a girl( or vice versa)

The different father doesn't affect the effect a sibling has on the eldest life

How long have you been with your new partner?

Three and a half years.

The different father doesn't affect the effect a sibling has on the eldest life
There are plenty of threads on here that suggest otherwise.

My DA had a baby before she met and married DU (the father was never in the picture). He was a fantastic df to her and never treated her any differently to her half db, his ds. Unfortunately his parents did differentiate between her and her db. It sounds like your future mil is lovely and will treat them the same. One of my other DA's has a couple of step dgc as well as dgc and treats them all the same even though her ds has split from their dm. They adore her (now adults).