AIBU to worry a new baby could affect my daughter?

[workingmama111]

My partner and I are thinking about having a baby together, and I’m feeling really emotional about it.
I have a 5-year-old daughter and it’s been just me and her for so long. We’re incredibly close, and I think that’s why the thought of having another baby scares me so much. I’m worried that she might feel pushed aside, replaced or somehow distant from me once there’s a baby needing so much of my attention.

My partner doesn’t have children of his own, and I finally feel like I’m ready too. I really want to experience having a baby with him and growing our family, and I can genuinely picture us having another child. But then I think about my daughter and feel this huge sense of guilt and fear.
At the same time, I actually think it could be really lovely for her to have a sibling. I don’t have much family myself, and sometimes I think about her growing up and wish she had more family around her. I love the idea of her having someone who is there throughout her life, even though I know siblings don’t automatically become best friends!
She also has a beautiful relationship with her stepdad, and her dad is very much in the picture. We all get along well, so she has lots of people who love her. I think I’m just particularly protective because our relationship has been the one constant for so long.

I guess I’m finally at a point where I feel ready for another baby, but I’m scared that making that choice could hurt my daughter emotionally.
For anyone who had a second child when their first was around 5-6 did you have these same worries? How did your older child actually find it? Did your relationship with them change? And did you ever look back and feel that having another child was the right decision for your family?

It will be brilliant for your DD to have a sibling. At five she is self sufficient in many things. She will grow and learn new skills, emotions and considerations.
You sound like you have her needs covered and that your DP and his family are loving and welcoming to you and your DD.

If you handle it well, which it sounds from your worrying that you would, she might absolutely revel in being a big sister. Does she play with baby dolls? Keep her involved and keep lots of special time together, not just when baby is asleep, and she could feel totally involved and special in her new role. Just don’t palm her off onto you bf alll the time and keep her close while bf does his bit with baby - they’ll need to bond so he’ll need to be a hands on dad too even if he’s not bothered atm, that will grow. Good luck!

MN is all about 'us before them' and it should be 'them before us'. But here is a dissenting view - of course your daughter will be negatively impacted and you know it, otherwise you would not even have a thought about it.
However, having said that, even if you were with the original husband and decided to have another child with him after 5 years, your daughter would have been negatively affected too - children are like that, very egocentric. Remember Harry Enfield's 'Lulu died and gone to heaven?'

You sound like a wonderful mother who is mindful of her daughter’s feelings. Go for it.

I wouldn't. You don't need to have a baby in every relationship you get in, generally speaking.

@Tink3rbell30 seriously? I didn’t know that

This is a bizzare take.

I am the eldest of 4 and my siblings are my best friends. I adored growing up with them and all the fun we had. Of course this is not everyone's experience but children are not always 'negatively affected' or most people wouldn't have more!

children are not always 'negatively affected' or most people wouldn't have more - I disagree wholeheartedly. If today's adults gave two fucks about children, there would be no divorce because 'I fell out of love', there would be no remarriage and subsequent children with a new partner, and there would not be same sex families with children. Adults these days always put themselves first, unfortunately, and intentionally.

If you are close in age with your siblings, then your parents were sensitive about your feelings - and this is a great thing, but if there is a 5-year gap, this is a different story.

Children are greatly impacted not only by siblings but also by birth order.

Go for it.

My parents are no longer alive and I am so grateful to have my brother and his family.

The age gap is fine and you're clearly not going into this without a lot of consideration.

In the words of Basil Fawlty: 'can't we get you on Mastermind, specialist subject - the bleeding obvious.'

I have a six-year-old daughter, and for as long as I can remember, all she has ever wished for is a baby sister. Over the years, there have been plenty of tears and sadness because she didn’t have a sister to play with.
I’m now pregnant with a baby girl, and my six-year-old is absolutely over the moon. She is constantly kissing my belly and talking about her baby sister, and it is so lovely to see how excited she is.
I’m very conscious that, once the baby arrives, I’ll need to make sure my daughter still feels included and important. I want her to be involved in helping with her baby sister when she wants to be, but I also want to make sure she never feels that she has suddenly been replaced.
I know that having a new baby will inevitably change things, and I’m sure there will be moments when she feels jealous or misses having me all to herself. I want her to know that those feelings are completely okay and that she can always talk to me about them.
I also want to make a real effort to spend one-on-one time with her whenever I can, even if it’s just little moments together. I want her to know that she is still my little girl and that having another baby doesn’t change her place in my heart.
I would hate more than anything for her to feel like I’m replacing her with her baby sister. Making sure she feels loved, secure and important is something I feel very strongly about, and I know that it’s my responsibility to help her through that transition while also allowing her to simply be six and enjoy being a big sister.
After all the years she has spent wishing for a sister, I just want this to be a beautiful experience for her—and for her to know that there will always be more than enough love for both of my girls.

@Newtothis2023 you sound wonderful. I really hope you all have smooth transition and congratulations to all of you! x

What on earth are you on?

Also for everyone of you there is a Mums netter claiming only children don't have the best lives. 😂

I have a 12 year age gap (relationship breakdown with DC1s father followed by 5 losses with DC2s dad).

When DC1 was an only child I was informed it was terrible for him.
When DC1 was 1 of 2 I was informed it was terrible for him.
Don't even get me started on re age gap comments. 😂
You can't win.

My two have a wonderful relationship.
DC1 does have his dad in his life and we co parent 50/50. He doesn't begrudge that DC2 is with us 100%.
He has a great relationship with his step dad and his step mum.
My inlaws treat DC1 the same as DC2.
My DH treats DC1 and 2 the same.

Yes there will be cases where this doesn't happen and MN will try and convince you it's always bad "look at all the posts on here" however more people will be writing posts when it doesn't work as they need advice. No one is starting posts just to say how wonderful their blended families are because for a start everyone would be claiming they were bragging!

For every post with struggling blended families there is one with an absent father, one with a useless father, one with awful inlaws etc etc.

Ofc you need to be mindful, but you have been by even asking and thinking about your daughter and it seems like your DP is hands on already (as was mine and I never had any doubt he would treat DC1 different once DC2 was born).

I think you know the answer. X

I don't personally have experience of this as had my two close together so the oldest has always really know life with her sister. But... What I will say, speaking from friends experiences of having a child from a previous relationship (especially with an involved dad) to then having another in a newer relationship is that is changes the new family dynamic massively as you've probably got used to having child free days with your partner, which you will no longer have. Obviously this is a small price to pay if you're both completely on board with wanting a baby together, but just something to bear in mind if you're weighing up pros and cons

My youngest sister ( the sibling I'm closest to) not only is 14 years younger than me but has a different mum. Hell she even has different coloured skin to me.

So how does that fit into your theory

Precisely the point. It does not fit.

There are always going to be positive and negative storie, the problem is you have no idea which way yours will go till you change things.

hopefully yours will be a good story, but like the saying goes, hope for the best l, prepare for the worst.

are you prepared and able to walk away if he changes towards your daughter? If you are clear in your mind that you can and will if needed then your in a good position to try for a second.

but if he changes towards your eldest ant it’s not easy to leave, how many years of her childhood has to be made miserable before you take action? Because that’s what we see here, the step parent changes, and the mum doesn’t want another failed relationship so she stays. And the child suffers.

My dds have 5.5 years between them and they (now 17 & 22) are best friends. I was unsure about having a 2nd but I'm so glad I did. Dd1 was very involved with dd2 from day 1 so never felt pushed out. I made sure also that I still had 1:1 time with dd1, when dd2 was napping or going to bed earlier

I understand completely. I have a 5 year gap between mine. One is a teenager now and one is in his twenties. I felt the same and tbh of course I did have less time with my eldest. I did miss our time together for the first few months.However he was so happy to be a big brother and adored his little sister he still does. They have a fantastic bond it really is special. Also OP because of the large gap they never argued and still don't! My one regret that I never had more kids!

Thank you all for your insights, as majority has said it can go both ways and you can’t plan everything in life. We had further discussions with my partner and I feel a lot more confident.

To answer some questions. Yes if anything changes towards my daughter I would leave, I had horrible childhood due to my mum changing partners, prioritising men over me you name it. And to be honest a sibling would’ve been the least of my worries. Due to that I know that’s not something I could ever but my child through. I guess that’s why it might seem that I’m overthinking everything but that comes from me and my experience.

Couple of people mentioned that having another child and actually living with their dad would make her feel excluded, sharing the same surname etc etc. My priority will always be to make sure that she doesn’t feel excluded, my dad had my brother and there’s 15 years difference between us I never felt excluded even though my dad never really put much effort in, just broke the news and I dealt with it myself. I must say I love my brother so much and always refer to him as my first baby. As in for the surname we are in a process with her bio dad changing her surname so it can include his surname and my madden name, so we can both share the same surname, she seems really excited about that.

as I said I know I can’t plan everything but I’ll try my best to deal with the situations as they come. Thanks once again 😅

My DC1 has myname-dads and DC2 has myname-dads. Ita never caused issues that they have different second barrels.

Best of luck on your journey. ❤️

For me the age gap is the hardest thing that I never thought of.
we have a 6year age gap with ours. They are 4 and 10 now and there is very very little that you can do to please them both activity wise. Especially if they are different gender.

my older one is too old to watch toddler movies, go to any soft play and my younger one is too younger to go bowling and most activities. I ended up using a camp just to get one on one time with each one, and I’m a sahm! It was ok when they were younger but my older dc is now at the age where he is just too old and this year we struggled a lot.

they are B/G so have completely different interests too. Dh and I end up splitting most things and weekends to accommodate their activities. Often feels like we have two households in one. My friend has a 2 year gap and one parent can do one activity pleasing both kids- softly, swimming, movies, sports.
Another friend who has the same gap as us also struggles just so much.

This is something I never thought of. You mentioned giving your dd so much of one on one time, so I think this is something to also consider. My older dc struggled for the first year or two as they just had to fit in around the baby.

Also something I never thought of is that when my older one will be off to college and there will be a big chunk of their life where they won’t grow up in the same house!

I wouldn't say this is a given, but it's certainly a possibility. Even with the best will in the world, your DD is not your partner's. That may well be fine now, but adding a biological child into the mix will change the dynamic.
Having said that, any second child will always change the family dynamic and that putcome isn't always positive - there are no guarantees, unfortunately!

Edit: just wanted to add that you sound like a lovely mum and careful of your daughter's feelings and best interests. Not all people (especially those who have had horrible expeirences) are lucky enough to have that. I'm sure you'll do right by her wherever life takes you.

My mum married again when I was four and I was adopted by her husband. I spent my entire childhood terrified that they would have a biological child of their own, tbh.

I never said anything to them about it but recently found out he had had a vasectomy as neither of them wanted another kid anyway.