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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

367 replies

Asineleen · Today 06:43

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

OP posts:
MCF86 · Today 08:39

sweetiepie11 · Today 08:34

I think you already do a lot of childcare but my measuring stick is no family help ever, so to me it seems like this there’s a lot of help from both sides.

I can’t help but think their desire to join a social tennis evening and asking for coverage for that, is taking advantage.

I think most people would give up 5 hours a month for their daughter to do something that benefits her physical and mental health and probably their relationship too. I'm sorry you don't have that support, but it really isn't extreme.

Thebinisrightthere · Today 08:40

If bedtime doesn't go according to plan it's on the parents and they'll be the ones dealing with the tiredness etc. Also the kids would get used to grandma babysitting every Sunday night. I personally would give it a go. When I used to babysit my cousins with my nan we'd both be dozing on the sofa when the parents got back

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Today 08:41

hahabahbag · Today 08:36

Am I the only one who thinks you don’t get to do a weekly couples activity unless you pay for childcare? Too much even split between 2 grandmothers. Nothing to do with sleep, when you choose to have kids you don’t have time for hobbies together

That’s a very depressing view.

PastorG · Today 08:41

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fishonabicycle · Today 08:41

I would just say you will give it a try for a couple of weeks and see how it works for you.

Turnedtochaos · Today 08:42

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Today 08:41

That’s a very depressing view.

Show quote history

I agree. I’m so grateful to my mother who helps us be able to still compete in our joint hobby together.

Marroon · Today 08:42

EatMoreChocolate44 · Today 08:38

Yes, because it's leaving the house, knowing all day you've got to head out. Not putting on your PJ's on a cold evening or getting ready to watch a movie before bed, thinking about work the next day etc. I've 2 kids and I wouldn't ask the grandparents to do this. My husband and I rarely have date nights. We would only ask the grandparents to help if it was a special occasion, like birthdays or our anniversary . They do a couple of school pick ups a week as they are both retired and live across the road from the primary school which I am very grateful for and my husband who works from home does the rest. It would be different if the OP was retired and had lots of free time.

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This is ridiculous, you don’t think it’s a big ask for the daughter to ferry OP to her appointments in the middle of the day with 2 or 3 of her children in tow?
It means not making plans, disrupting the toddler’s nap routines, boring car days for the children probably meaning they have loads of energy that needs to be burned in the evening etc.
Driving someone to their appointments/ cutting their grass etc is not a small thing when the parents have 3 very young children, the DD and her DH are putting themselves out quite a bit for the OP.

HoldMyWine · Today 08:42

I don’t think they are asking for a lot. You sound a lot older than your years. Being in bed by 8/9pm is rather precious. You live very close to your DD and GDs you should make the most of it.

LemonLass · Today 08:42

LemonLass · Today 07:54

Just a different point of view...

They want to play (mixed doubles) tennis at a certain place and time. It doesn't work for you.

Could they find some other option (different time/place) where they can still do the thing they want but at s time and day that works for you all? Perhaps have a conversation around that so it isn't a no to all options, just to the option currently suggested. Compromise by all and solution.

For those saying 8 hours sleep is "enough" - very simplistic if you consider reality... Not many people get to bed, close their eyes and are in deep sleep immediately until the time to wake. Sleep takes time. The OP gets to decide when they go to bed, how tired they are and how much sleep they need to function. Only they know their limits and needs around sleep and everything else.

OP you could trial it and even offer one sit per month without feeling guilty or not. If you communicate that you want to help but can't do the time suggested, surely that's the better - sustainable - option?

Hi @Asineleen
Some will agree, some won't agree, so what?

You choose what is right and works in the long term for you. My advice would be don't do anything you're not prepared to continue.

There are alternatives to days and times they could do this activity. They haven't found them yet..

Thebinisrightthere · Today 08:43

hahabahbag · Today 08:36

Am I the only one who thinks you don’t get to do a weekly couples activity unless you pay for childcare? Too much even split between 2 grandmothers. Nothing to do with sleep, when you choose to have kids you don’t have time for hobbies together

There is absolutely no harm in the daughter asking though. It's not like she's demanding it

Awwlookatmybabyspider · Today 08:44

It is a bit lousy, yes. Helping With Grandkids is just part of being a Grandparent

backformoreofthesame · Today 08:45

It doesn’t sound such a big request and I’m your age - if you had said you are often away or have your own activities on Sundays then fair enough - but it comes across as you will take help but don’t want to give it back

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Today 08:45

Marroon · Today 08:42

This is ridiculous, you don’t think it’s a big ask for the daughter to ferry OP to her appointments in the middle of the day with 2 or 3 of her children in tow?
It means not making plans, disrupting the toddler’s nap routines, boring car days for the children probably meaning they have loads of energy that needs to be burned in the evening etc.
Driving someone to their appointments/ cutting their grass etc is not a small thing when the parents have 3 very young children, the DD and her DH are putting themselves out quite a bit for the OP.

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Exactly - a lot of the responses seem to be skipping over this. OP gets a huge amount of free help (even though she could afford to pay) yet begrudges her daughter four hours a month of childcare in return?

Floppyearedlab · Today 08:46

Unless there is a back story about the children being badly behaved and refusing to go to bed, very selfish and unreasonable. It’s 2 evenings month!

WhatNoRaisins · Today 08:46

Admittedly me and DH could have only dreamed of a joint evening hobby like that when ours were that age. That is expected for some families. On the other hand we weren't also doing lots of favours for our parents.

Blankscreen · Today 08:47

What strikes me is you're not even prepared to try and using the child being tired as an excuse.

Say no, but be prepared for your daughter to step back from helping you as it doesn't fit with her or her children's routine.

EatMoreChocolate44 · Today 08:47

hahabahbag · Today 08:36

Am I the only one who thinks you don’t get to do a weekly couples activity unless you pay for childcare? Too much even split between 2 grandmothers. Nothing to do with sleep, when you choose to have kids you don’t have time for hobbies together

Exactly this, I have 2 kids myself and various friends and family members who have children and none of them have regular date nights or would have the luxury of doing a hobby together weekly especially when the kids are so young. You are lucky if you get a free evening to yourself to go and do something nevermind with your partner.

MsIceSandwich · Today 08:48

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Today 07:19

You’re 62 and can’t get yourself to appointments or cut your own grass without relying on your daughter? Are you not really embarrassed about that?

Why should she be embarrassed about having health issues that prevent her from doing certain things? I'd be more embarrassed to have your shitty attitude tbh.

ShottaSheriff · Today 08:48

Well done for giving it a go. It will make such a small difference to you but I’d imagine a big difference to them. You’re lucky that your family have stayed local and can support you and be part of your life without you having to do much or go anywhere. Giving a little back seems like a really nice thing to do. You’re only going to need them more as you age.

KidsDoBetter · Today 08:48

EatMoreChocolate44 · Today 08:38

Yes, because it's leaving the house, knowing all day you've got to head out. Not putting on your PJ's on a cold evening or getting ready to watch a movie before bed, thinking about work the next day etc. I've 2 kids and I wouldn't ask the grandparents to do this. My husband and I rarely have date nights. We would only ask the grandparents to help if it was a special occasion, like birthdays or our anniversary . They do a couple of school pick ups a week as they are both retired and live across the road from the primary school which I am very grateful for and my husband who works from home does the rest. It would be different if the OP was retired and had lots of free time.

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Jesus. I despair of us as a nation I really do.

13 nights out of every 14 she can do all of these things.

Whatever about her mobility issues she’s in danger of becoming old, fearful & tremulous well before her time.

My mum looked after my little baby in little bursts when she was dying of cancer aged 56. She’d have given he right arm to have regular time with her grandkids. She didn’t even get to meet 2 of them and the first only for a year.

Shes been kindly asked to do light childcare for 2 little children whom presumably she loves, by her oh daughter whom presumably she loves - and who by all accounts treats her well.

She’s not being asked to work down a coal mine on an overnight shift before work on a Monday.

i don’t agree with grandparents being expected to give up their lives and agree to hours and hours of free childcare per week (unless they want to). But op needs to give her head a wobble.

As do posters suggesting she’s been taken advantage off for her 6 sleepovers a year ….

Everanewbie · Today 08:48

I think it would be a really nice thing to do OP, and will help your daughters mental and physical health immensely. At the end of the day, your work is a 10 minute walk away at 8am. If you don't get to bed until 10:30 every other Sunday, that is still a good 8 hours plus which really is enough for most people.

We shouldn't think of this as transactional, i.e. they will withdraw support etc. but if you can help them it keeps the good will and likeliness that they'll be around when you need them.

You are well within your rights to say no, and only you really know your physical capabilities, but if it were me I'd find the sleep thing a bit insulting.

diddl · Today 08:49

I don't think you're being selfish Op.

If they want time together it could be a meal out on a night that suits everyone for example.

If you try it for a couple of times & it didn't work would that be worse than not trying at all?

Sereine · Today 08:50

I suspect they're being optimistic in thinking all three will be in bed and asleep by 7.15, but if they are it will be quite a peaceful evening for you, and you can presumably be in bed by 10 at the latest yourself. Given what they do for you, I would give it a go.

Wingingit73 · Today 08:51

I mean its totally up to you but its pretty mean. You're only 62. Its nor every week either. From.what you describe i dont think you can really say you spend time with your grand children. However it is entirely your prerogative.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Today 08:52

MsIceSandwich · Today 08:48

Why should she be embarrassed about having health issues that prevent her from doing certain things? I'd be more embarrassed to have your shitty attitude tbh.

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I never said she should be embarrassed about her health issues. I said she should be embarrassed about relying on her daughter to provide all this free support for her (especially when she has three small children to look after AND the OP admits she could easily pay for help.