AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

I think to say no right off the bat is a bit harsh. Could you maybe trial it for a couple of weeks? It would be a nice bonding time for you and the children, and I'm sure once the novelty wore off, you would be able to settle them into their usual sleep routine

Just because you don’t get something, doesn’t mean nobody else should.

I think OP has been given a hard time here. I actually think that as OP has the children for a fun sleepover once a month that may make it harder for the children to understand that rules are different on a Sunday. This isn’t about quality time with GC - it is babysitting ( and three under 5s is a big ask).
OP has explained she has some health issues and is being asked to start her week on 1-2 hours less sleep….
OP won’t be home until 10 at the earliest I reckon. I’d also be wary of an alternate week arrangement as it could end up with OP being asked to cover other weeks.
Lots of couples don’t get much ‘couples time’ and OP’s daughter and SIL already get a Saturday evening a month - which is more than I ever had owing to geography.
I’m a similar age and working full time and I wouldn’t want to commit to a regular babysitting arrangement on an evening when I had work the next day.

There’s obviously a lot of people here who do a lot of childcare for their grandchildren.

Im not so lucky , my mother was quite clear what whilst she can help with childcare when she can, she won’t commit to specific days or times, even once a week.

This.

You can’t have it both ways: it’s either mutual support or stuff is paid for

I would definitely help her out, it won’t be that many years until maybe you need additional help . It will also strengthen the bond with your daughter and grandchildren.

Wow I can't believe you would say can you not see your daughter is literally begging you as she needs this. I would do this in a heartbeat.

I would do it & see how it goes.

I think that agreeing to give it a try is the way to go. It may work better than you fear. If you get your things together for work in the afternoon, you should be in bed by 930.

Even if you get to bed at 10pm you’re getting 8 hours sleep. You’re not going to be that knackered on that. You don’t owe anyone childcare of course but they aren’t taking the piss and I think you’d be a bit unreasonable to say no without even giving it a go.

I mean I actually think 6 free nights when you've 3 young kids is amazing. My husband and I ask the grandparents to do one overnight a year so we can go to our local spa hotel (& I feel guilty asking them that). The other grandmother helps out by the sounds of things so maybe they get date nights once a month. I think one Sunday a month would be a reasonable ask and like I've said if she was retired it would be different. People have also mentioned the SIL cutting the grass. My husband loved cutting the grass when my 2 were younger. I loved cleaning the bathroom when my two were younger 😂. Anything for an hours peace and no-one hanging off you. 😂

In what situation would you want them home earlier? If you're going to do it do it properly and let them enjoy their evening out.

That sounds ideal. Given how much they do for you, I don’t think 2 hours twice a month is much to ask.

OP obviously does not drive and that's why her DD drives her to appointments, not because OP is 'uncapable' of getting herself there. From her description, public transport is really bad where she lives.

I wonder how often OP requires lifts? PPs keep saying that her DD's family is doing a lot for her but how do we know if it's a lot or once every couple of months?

Sure. I’m sure her son in law just loves cutting OP’s grass, her DD loves minding the children on her own during the weekend so facilitate this and loves taking her children on the long drive to OP’s appointment 🤦‍♀️

You’re literally making it sound like asking OP to sit with the children for 2 hours every other week is so onerous but what they do for her is nothing and they’re basically just having a ball while doing all these favours for her.

Well it was enough for the OP’s own mum to say “really? You won’t mind the kids even though DD and SIL do so much for you?” so surely she knows their set up? People aren’t getting the information from nowhere.

What does age matter? If someone has health issues and mobility issues obviously they’re going to find things more difficult

You do know some people with health issues need more than 8 hours?

Why are people trying to pull apart the OP's health/work arrangements?
This is a weird thread. When mums post that they've asked family for childcare and been told no, people pile on to tell them they're entitled, demanding, 'if you need childcare pay for it' etc etc. But this OP is being asked to do a regular stint with no obvious endpoint, with stress factors like it being a school night and her own sleep and health to consider, and because she's thinking of saying no people are vilifying her.

OP, say no if you like. I totally get why you would. And IMO (and in the opinion of posters on most threads like this), you don't even need to justify saying no.

Purely based off the fact you work on a Monday, I say you are not being unreasonable. I'd never ask for that of my parents if they worked. But I wouldn't rely on parents for regular childcare every week/bi weekly as I don't think it is far on them to be tied down to that. Ad hoc childcare (mostly when is suitable for them) I think is fine.

Adding in the fact every other month you do a Saturday night overnight and have health issues of your own - defo not unreasonable to say no.

2 hours every other Sunday in the early evening? It’s your choice, but as they help you a lot and promised to make it as easy as possible to just get a couple of hours together yes YABU.
You’re welcome to do as you wish, but don’t be surprised if you need to cut your own lawn suddenly, and get yourself to appointments, help is usually a two way street.

Generally, I would have said, it’s absolutely fine for you to say no, but, having been the one who was giving lifts, seeing to the laundry, and shopping for my elderly MIL, I did say you are unreasonable.

I don’t have 3 little ones to look after, but helping out with those mundane tasks, some of which, like appointments, we had no control over the timing of, makes me think that a bit of reciprocity is needed.

what kind of medal would you like?

If your daughter and son-in-law do a lot for you, and it sounds like they do, I think it's really shitty of you to say no to this request.

It sounds to me like you're making an awful lot of bad excuses for why you can't do this every other Sunday. I especially had to laugh at the "if it was Saturday instead of Sunday..." comment - riiiiiight, you'd toootally help if it was on every other Saturday.

It’s the same thing though - she’s incapable of getting herself there because she doesn’t drive, and therefore is relying on her daughter to chauffeur her - even though she has three small children to look after. That’s a big task whether it’s once a week or once a month.

I’ve previously been in that situation and I would either pay someone to drive me or ask about hospital or community transport - there is no way I would have asked the mother of three little kids to help unless I had literally no other choice.