AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

Absolutely fine to say no. I'm younger than you and I couldn't be doing with toddler-wrangling in the evening on a school night. Perhaps if your health holds up you might be able to consider this sort of thing after you've retired and wouldn't need to be functional nect day. Your mum is being unreasonable - was she still having to work as much in paid employment at thr age of 62 or had she retired by then?

A couple of hours, twice a month, 10 mins away from your house. They already do chores for you.

You're absolutely being unreasonable to refuse to help.

Marriage can be a challenge, particularly during toddler years. The fact they have a hobby together and with friends is something I’d try to encourage and support!

Don’t be surprised if their availability to help you wanes too.

As a single mum, with a semi retired single mum who lives 5 mins away, I wouldn’t have even asked her to do this on an evening before work. I don’t think you’re being mean OP and I’m genuinely surprised at all the responses saying you are! Maybe that’s just because I have zero help so it seems like a lot to ask. My mum will help out from time to time if I need it, but she has her own life as well as health issues, so wouldn’t ever do any childcare on a regular basis and definitely not when she’s up at 6am for work the next day. It’s just the way it is and I don’t hate her or anything and she has a great bond with my dc. It sounds like your daughter and son in law have other opportunities to play tennis, just not together. While a regular date night is nice for them, it’s not life or death. I myself would also hate to be stuck babysitting at the very end of a weekend knowing I had work early the next morning! If MIL is doing some childcare that’s great, but maybe her work or life situation is different, doesn’t mean you have to.

I think it's a big enough ask OP when you've work the next day (Sunday evenings are hard enough). If it was me I'd probably agree to one Sunday a month so they would have to miss one session a month or pay a babysitter for that slot. It would be different if you were retired or only worked a couple of days a week but if not then your weekends are precious.

I think you should help them out op.
It sounds like they do a lot for you and for them to be able to do something together not only benefits them but also your grandchildren.
When you break it down it is 2 nights a month you might be later to your bed, you could still be home and in bed by 10

If you're not prepared to help your daughter out every other Sunday for a few hours that's up to you but don't accept the lifts to appointments that they give you, get taxis and cut your own grass or pay someone to do it!
Just watch out as you get older and really need their help.
What comes around goes around. Rightly so IMO!

I’m amazed at DSIL mowing everyone’s lawns - that must be a whole Sunday morning at least every fortnight - presumably he works all week - v unfair imv

2 evenings a month for 2.5 hours is such a big ask??

There NEVER are. This is only ever an expectation of women 😂.

Blimey, I'd get one of those robot grass cutters if I'd realised my lawn mow was costing me two evenings of toddler wrangling a month!

I would be happy to do that for my children. I don't think a couple of hours once a fortnight is a big ask. You won't have to do much, just read some stories with your granddaughter which is lovely. If they're dropping you home 9.30ish, you can be in bed by 10!

You live 10 mins away, they’ll collect you and take you home, they help you out a lot it seems but 2 hours every fortnight is too much for them to ask? I think you’re being mean not even giving it a go.

I am like you in that I love my sleep and get anxious if I cannot get to sleep early but having said that I do think it's good to shake up our routines and if you do help out you might see that your worries (about sleep, about children being unsettled etc) are manageable. I voted YABU because I think that while helping out your family it could also be good for you to see that you can handle changes in routine.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest, as the problems you cited were only possibilities and not proven. The benefits to your daughter would be significant.

That bit of time one on one with eldest could even become a highlight! And you'll feel like you are giving back. I know you say SIL volunteers for the grass, but it's not because there's nothing he'd rather be doing.

I would give it a go and if the children get too much for you or you become too knackered on the Monday, tell them it’s too much for you. It sounds like they do an awful lot to help you so I agree with your mum, it would be kind to give back. It’s not like they’re asking for help every week even, it’s just a couple of hours every other week when the DC are already asleep. All you have to do is sit there for a couple of hours and they’ll even pick you up and drop you back off at home.

I think you already do a lot of childcare but my measuring stick is no family help ever, so to me it seems like this there’s a lot of help from both sides.

I can’t help but think their desire to join a social tennis evening and asking for coverage for that, is taking advantage.

I find older people don’t seem to like any change to their routine, which is a shame as it sounds like you’d still get plenty of sleep. Still a good few hours more than I can manage.

Is there another reason for you not helping ? You didn’t have two together so don’t have the experience of caring for multiple children close in age . If it’s lack of confidence as you state to get the bedtime routine right then tell your Dd so she knows and maybe you’ll see she’s ok with flexibility while you are there , to get anxious that they are not in bed for a certain time is the parents responsibility not yours . I’m just wondering if there isn’t some resentment about how “easy “ it seems for your Dd . My mum wouldn’t help out when I had my two children unless she wanted to and it was on her own terms , she missed out a lot because of it . As the years passed I realised she resented how close my husband and I were and did seem to want me to struggle so I would have to same experience of parenting that she had .

Jeez. It’s such a short period of time every other week. Give it a go (with good grace). Not making them feel you are doing them some huge favour.

How good for your daughter and SIL that they want to do something healthy together as a couple & have family nearby.

Once every other month is a lot of childcare? It’s 6 times a year!

Ah but he has two 2 year olds and a 4 year old!

Come on, have you never come across men doing DIY and gardening to avoid childcare?

Am I the only one who thinks you don’t get to do a weekly couples activity unless you pay for childcare? Too much even split between 2 grandmothers. Nothing to do with sleep, when you choose to have kids you don’t have time for hobbies together

You are actually outrageous.

Please don’t pretend “your SIL volunteers” for cutting the grass and doesn’t mind. He has x3 kids under 4, it’s the last thing he wants to do for half a day.

You are very selfish.

Yes, because it's leaving the house, knowing all day you've got to head out. Not putting on your PJ's on a cold evening or getting ready to watch a movie before bed, thinking about work the next day etc. I've 2 kids and I wouldn't ask the grandparents to do this. My husband and I rarely have date nights. We would only ask the grandparents to help if it was a special occasion, like birthdays or our anniversary . They do a couple of school pick ups a week as they are both retired and live across the road from the primary school which I am very grateful for and my husband who works from home does the rest. It would be different if the OP was retired and had lots of free time.

I’m on your side OP as you have work the next day which makes a Sunday evening difficult and is a time when we gather ourselves for the week. That’s the issue. Would a man be expected to do this? I suspect not and also suspect many of those volunteering your time don’t work themselves. They do help you out so you may need to weigh that up to make sure it’s balanced. They may help you out thinking they will get some childcare in return so it’s not that altruistic.

No this is a weird take. Asking OP to do 2 evenings a month of 2 hours doesn’t sound like too much.
Her daughter asked and OP has said no, so I guess now the daughter knows where she stands and how much her mother is prepared to put herself out to help, and it’s precisely 6 times a year.
In normal families everyone helps eachother, the idea that you just commit to never doing anything as a couple ever because you have children isn’t a common held view.