AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

I'm the same age as you.
With fairly severe rheumatoid arthritis.

I'd babysit for your DD if she asked and I don't even know her.

Be careful about becoming old before your time OP! Maybe book some driving lessons for a start.

Oh the ableism on this thread

@Asineleen could you stay at theirs, and then you could just go to bed?

Putting aside the point of the thread, did you miss the part where the OP said she has mobility issues ?

We don’t knew exactly what disability the OP has but even though she’s only 62 she can’t physically do certain things.

Some people are 22 with mobility issues and can’t do certain things.

Good for you if you’re 64 and can. Some people suffer with poor health.

I go to bed around 9 very often. Get up at 5.

Ah, I was going to ask if work was flexible at all and if you could negotiate a later start on those Mondays. But that job doesn't sound like it would be one where you could!

Good for you for now saying you'll try it. What's the worst that can happen? Eldest could play up going to bed - then you can think of strategies for that. You're tired - can you have an afternoon nap those Sundays or a super early night after on the Monday?

I do hope if my daughter asked me for help and to be in her future children’s lives when she grows up that I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment. I understand where you are coming from but I don’t think it’s too much for her to ask, especially as she helps you. So many threads of grandparents not wanting to be involved genuinely makes me sad, I feel very lucky to have such supportive and hands on parents.

Are there no men in the family who could do one of the Sundays each month? Is her father around?

They’re not asking for much and you can still be tucked up in bed by 9.45. Twice a month is manageable surely?

If you don’t want to do it then that’s your answer, you don’t need to come up with excuses about needing to be in bed by 8. However I would do it, especially as they are happy to help you. Family members helping each other is surely a good thing?

I think it's quite a big ask. If you work, weekend evenings are precious. And having to be available from 7pm limits what you can do during the day.

There are a lot of posts shaming OP for having a health condition, calling her fuddy ruddy or saying about how they do more with worse health conditions or are older.

Regardless of how we feel about the babysitting ask, it should never be acceptable to mock someone for taking appropriate steps to manage their own health conditions and continuing to work when it sounds tiring for them.

I’m 62, and also have serious health issues, I don’t work I took retirement at 50 for health reasons. I’m just telling you this, so you know I understand.

my children do a lot for me, and in return I do things for them, it’s a give and take relationship which I think is healthy. One of the things I do is have their 3 children 3 days a week after school and during the holidays. I use to give the girls their dinner and do anything that needed doing ready for school the next day, and have a meal ready for my DIL to take home when she collected them at 7ish. 2 of the days are consecutive, and over the summer term we switched to them staying overnight that night. It’s soooo much easier to manage, they are in bed by 8 and we get up for school at 7.30ish though tbh it tends to be a lot earlier than that which is fine,

I just wonder if you could suggest that you have them at yours ? But I suppose that would mess up going to work and getting them to school

It sounds like they do a lot for you so yes, I'd help them out here. If it was 3 times a week maybe not but every other Sun when the mil is assisting too sounds totally doable.

How do you get to work?

The OP asked for our thoughts as to whether she was being unreasonable.
People discussed their own situations for context.
I actually don't think anyone is shaming anyone here. For example advising someone to consider driving lessons isn't disabilist, and n fact it's quite the opposite.

Don't ask in AIBU, if you don't want a range of opinions.

Yet sitting in his house for 2 hours every other week is too much for you?!

I think it's too much to ask. You have health problems and work at 8am the next morning; you need to get enough rest.

I would loce to see Grandkid (don’t have any yet). Why not see how it goes and then decide rather than speculate on the worst possible scenarios.

I generally feel no-one is entitled to help with their children, but this is really a very small request in the context of a family that seems generally to all help each other out a lot.

(I also don't think concerns about your granddaughter being tired for school are properly for you - if your DD and DSIL are ok with it then that's one for them)

Age is irrelevant, the state of a person's health is more pertinent. The OP has already said, that she is disabled.

Well done for saying you'll giving it a go.

I appreciate you have some mobility issues but I would just say, as a fellow 62yo still working full time, you are only 62. Don't give in to old age before your time 🙂

Maybe that’s why there is over 50% divorce rate and all the economic and social negative effects of that, on the individual children & whole country.