AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

Yes a bit selfish.
they’re not asking much.

I don't think you should do it, you already have the children regularly on a Saturday night, do dinners on a Friday night. They have a child that needs getting ready for school on a Monday, which is no small feat, and I suspect you would start to get a text on a regular basis to say, they have been invited for a quick drink...

You like an early night, and that is fair enough, I suspect that although you say your working day begins at 8:00am, that you probably start closer to 7:30am for the 8:00am rush working at a GP practice.

As to your age, well I am older than you and still working, but the difference is that I do not have mobility issues or any other health issues that slow me down. Do not feel guilty, just say no, it would be too much to commit to regularly.

If OP agrees to this, she will be in bed one hour later one night in a fortnight, and her work is sedentary and 10 minutes' walk away. She can have a sleep the previous afternoon. There will also potentially be a number of Mondays when she isn't working due to Bank Holidays etc, and a number of Sundays when she isn't needed because the family is away on holiday, the kids are poorly, etc. It does seem perfectly doable.

Tricky... I think it's one of those situations where, of course, you can absolutely say no, but your daughter and SIL are also entitled to feel a certain way about that - such as stopping helping you out with your lawn and appointments. What we are all entitled to do and what's a good idea are sometimes two different things. I'd try it for a month or two and see what happens personally.

I find this thread heartbreaking tbh.

Most posters are so ableist in their view agd don’t even realise it.
Comments along the lines of ‘aren’t you ashamed that …’ or ‘how can you need your SIL to cut your grass but you can work’.
Theres absolutely no understanding of what being ill and disabled can be mean. That you might be able to do ine thing but not the other etc…

And so little about why is the dd feeling it’s ok to ask her mum to babysit even though
1- she knows about her need of sleep - it was like tgis when she was a child
2- she knows about her struggles with her health

Yet this thread has managed to make the OP feel guilty enough to put herself and her health first ‘because grandmothers are supposed to help and be happy babysitting’.

@Asineleen if you’re still reading, and are still planning to say ‘let’s do a trial’ to your dd, please, please think ahead of what you’re going to tell her if you find it too much. Whether it’s energy wise or physically (like if you need to lift the 2yo more than you expected)
Dint struggle through just because of some posyers on the Internet. They aren’t you. Theyre not living in your body. Don’t make your life harder because of anonymous people that have nothing to do with you.

Sorry not read all the messages only the first page, I'm quite severely disabled and the way I would navigate this is to get my son in law to pick me up, then once at their house to help me up their stairs and I would rest on their bed with my stock beside me and a drink, if they have TV that would be a bonus. That way I'm not using energy going up and down the stairs checking on them and I'm close to the bathroom and off course once the are asleep I could have my own little snooze.
Just an idea on how you could navigate it.

We'll have to agree to differ on that as I think the couple are being selfish to ask a reluctant person to babysit regularly for free so they can play tennis!

Try bring dusabked and chronically, then come back with your ‘just have an hour sleep more the day before’.

You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
If tge OP says it’s hard work to go to bed an hour later, then fgs BELIEVE HER.

I agree and also sometimes (often) it is easier to say no up front than get out of an arrangement that doesn't work for you. Especially if you're not very assertive.

My disabled friend is always exhausting herself in this kind of way.

I understand you have health issues and have to be in work on a Monday by 8am but I think, given all that they do for you, you could at least try it. You are in bed by 9 this is only until 9.30 and you live just 10 minutes away and they said they would even bring you home! You only have to sit with them - not feed, bathe them etc. I would cherish every second with them when they are little.

The entitlement with the responses here is strong. So both MILs are expected to babysit? We see so many threads saying the load always comes down to women and here we are again. If OP doesn't feel comfortable doing babysitting then she shouldn't feel obligated. Kids are bloody tiring.

This is a really tricky one, I am torn.

It would be great to be able to help your DD have this time and it sounds like she is bending over backwards to make it as easy for you to do it as possible. She sounds very considerate and they do help you more than many do / would so there is definitely a feeling of you need to put yourself out a little in return. Just because SIL 'volunteers' to mow lawns, doesn't mean he really wants to, he does it because he can see it is needed to help and support everyone, you can dismiss it as help.

Equally, I do understand that regularly giving up your Sunday early night might be hard work.
You are already having health issues, yet are still working - this is a tough stage to manage to find the resources to help others.

I think you need to agree to give it a trial period. I hope it works out for you all.

1- this won’t change tge going to bed late
2- how do you think this is going to work with two 2yo who will struggle to fall asleep as their routine is disturbed?
Having to get up, put them back in bed. Picking them up if they are in a cot?

From another severely disabled person….

I think that’s quite a selfish response. Every second week for a couple of hours isn’t a big ask.

In OP's case, it has more to do with feeling that it wouldn't hurt for her to reciprocate for two hours a fortnight for all the lifts, gardening etc that she gets from her daughter and SIL. Kids who are tucked up in bed aren't usually tiring.

Is it selfish when they already do a lot for said reluctant person for free?

I think Sunday nights may be difficult with work the next day and it's reasonable to say no on that basis. At least they can go every other week together if MIL is stepping in. A date night once a week where a couple go out together is a luxury not a necessity. You can have a date night where you spend time together after the kids have gone to bed and go out with your friends separately, or they could pay a baby sitter every other Sunday. Don't get me wrong, nights off from the kids as a couple is important, but every week, not so much.

To you it does. To the OP it doesn't.

I think you should. They have put thought into how they could make it easier for you with twins in bed and lift home. As someone else said you will prob need more help from them in future with health appts etc

The OP has already said they'll give it a go.

The OP has already said she'll give it a go.

The OP has already said she'll give it a go.

My PIL used to look after DDs one day a week and my parents helped out quite a bit too, but I would feel it was OTT and too much commitment to ask for them to accommodate a weekly Sunday date/social/sport night between them, even when they were fully retired and not ill. Quite apart from anything they liked to be free to go away at the weekend. It would have been too big an ask for me. That's not to say you can't play sport or have hobbies when you have kids but largely you organise this between you as a couple, do things separately or pay babysitters. I would go to the gym and run, but neither of us would say, commit to playing for a team because it's hard to make that kind of commitment when you have young kids, so you just don't, in my book.

It sounds like the OP does what she can already and it's nice that everyone helps one another but this tips the balance into too much and it's fair enough to say no.

Also in healthy family relationships it's ok to say this. You don't build up "help tokens". We wouldn't refuse to have PIL's dog while they went on holiday because they couldn't commit to babysitting for us that one time. They were allowed their own life and social life and if they could help out it was a favour, not mandatory.

Read the OP's update, why don't you?

Read the OP's updates, why don't you?