AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

If your mum's that keen she can do it instead.

What time do you have to get up and get ready for an 8am start?? Three under 5s could be a handful of you have mobility issues (assuming that's your disability)

Edit: ignore as I've just RTFT. Doh!

Unfortunately the days of retired knitting grannies waiting about with warm Victoria sponges are long gone.

Working at 62 with health conditions is bloody difficult. I don't blame you for wanting to rest on a Sunday night. I don't think you are being unreasonable not wanting this commitment. But yes, give it a go but make it very clear that it mustn't affect your work/exhaustion levels. Good luck OP.

yes but luckily its not childcare.

Clearly says she’s at work at 8am on Monday morning.

If your mum's that keen she can do it instead.
Yes, quite. It's the mum that's stirring things here.

This
But also Aibu is classic for just being contrary to Ops just for the sake of it too much wine

Its upto you if you want to say no but they should stop doing the things they do for you, running around after another adult will be incredibly hard with 3 small children

Of course he could. But I think it's OP's responsibility to refuse and say "don't be silly, you have three small children to look after, I can pay to get my own lawn cut".

Read the updates everyone.

The OP has said she'll give it a go.

I wouldn’t commit to this so they can do a hobby. Your sleep and work the next day is more important.

My mum is 61, 'young' and fit with no disabilities, plus retired - so does not even have any work on a Monday morning. Regardless of this, to be honest, I wouldn't ask this of her because I know (eventhough she wouldn't admit it) that she wouldn't want to do this on a Sunday. She has a routine and I just know this wouldn't fit in and I wouldn't want to put her in a position where she felt obligated.

I'm a single-mum and work full-time, for context.

My mum is incredible - takes my DD a lot at weekends, loves spending time with her, helps with school drop-offs and pick-ups. They have a lovely close relationship. I wouldn't ask my mum to do something which I know would disrupt her peace and routine, and which she wouldn't be comfortable with, which she is entitled to.

That's my perspective, anyway.

I think you have to give competent adults the benefit of the doubt and assume that they will say if they want to stop doing something.

I think that if you say no to this fairly reasonable request, you might need to be prepared to cut your own grass and find your own way to appointments from now on.

Think carefully, this is a two way street and your needs of your daughter and her husband aren't going to reduce from here on in.

Gosh no OP YANBU! You aren't an unpaid baby sitter just because yourl are granny. They can fork out and pay for a baby sitter can't they? I wouldn't feel selfish....their children , they sort the childcare (and I am saying this as a mum of toddler twins). Why should you have to give up your time when sounds like you already help enough.

Well obviously you are not obliged to provide any sort of childcare. However, it seems quite mean to say no to this - it's a couple of hours once a fortnight, not that much to put yourself out and change your own routine for. Be prepared for those favours such as ferrying to appointments and lawn mowing to stop. Help shouldn't be transactional, but I myself got to a point where I felt people were coming to me for favours regualrly and on the rare occasions I needed something in return, nobody was willing/able to help me. So I stopped and people seemed a bit surprised 🙄

They aren't unpaid taxis and gardeners either. OP can also fork out for taxis to her appointments and pay someone to mow her lawn, in that case.

Did you miss the bit where her daughter and son in law regularly help her? They could equally tell her to off off, they aren't unpaid gardeners and chauffeurs, but they don't. And it can't be that easy with three small children.

I don't think it's that easy when it's family.

IMO, OP is also a competent adult who shouldn't take advantage of her SIL's kindness - especially when she can easily afford to pay someone to do the chore he's doing for free.

The OP has already said she'll give it a go.

Do they have space for you to stay over? Then you could go to bed once the kids are asleep and they drop you at work in the morning?

Given the amount they do for you, I would try to make this work.

I really dislike the mercenary, transactional, 'quid pro quo' tone in a lot of these responses.

Those of you who are warning the OP that her drives to appointments and grass-cutting might stop because she has one slot that really does not work for her, are obviously assuming that her DD and SIL are fucking arseholes.

it’s not every week though, it would be every other evening as the MIL is helping on the alternate. As often as the son in law cuts the grass

I’d start at once a month as a trial and see how it goes @Asineleen

Sorry but yes I think you are being a bit unfair.

Welcome to the world of chronically ill people who can only carry on functioning, working etc… by having extended rest time. Like being in bed at 8.00~9.00pm