AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

Well, they're free not to make that commitment. The OP says she'd happily pay for grass-cutting if necessary.

It would be a big shame if you couldn't. On balance, if you weigh it up, saying yes will impact your life a lot less than saying no will impact theirs.

Typical boomer, but will expect her daughter to drop everything when she becomes elderly.

But that’s kind of my point. OP can pay, but instead she accepts free support but seems unwilling to give something back in return.

She should either pay for the help she needs (and allow her DD to do the same) or accept that, for most families, support is reciprocal and if she wants to carry on receiving free lifts and free grass cutting, she should be prepared to give a few hours of babysitting in return for that.

I agree. It’s a great thing. I didn’t have it or anything close when I had 3 under 5. But it’s not being taken advantage of is my point.

There seems to be a race to the bottom mentality of some people here (not you). Or this idea that everything needs to be as hard as they have it. It’s so odd

I agree with you if this was for work & they were both working I think I would help but they want to go & play tennis! Why don’t they pay for a babysitter. Not sure if people have taken on board, you see them as a family on Friday have the children for sleep over Saturday night every month this means one weekend you have the children Saturday night & Sunday night. Small children are tiring especially if you are working & have health problems. Remember most people will side with your daughter because they are the similar age & have small children. As for cutting your grass don’t think that is unreasonable you are allowed to put yourself 1st for a change.

Well, we could keep turning that one over and back up again for ever; the other way to look at it is 'OP accepts free support but would happily pay if it were not available/withdrawn.'

but instead she seems unwilling to give something back in return She already gives them a sleepover every other month and ad-hoc childcare. She has specific reasons for not wanting to give/feeling hesitant about giving this specific childcare. She is not generally 'unwilling to give something back'.

I don't know the full situation but if your mum is right and they do things for you it's only fair you return the favour. It's a few hours minding a house and stepping in with the DC if there's an emergency. It's not for them to go to work so I expect they would not be getting frustrated if you had to cancel every now and again. They'll be in their own beds where they are used to their normal routine so it's unlikely to be disruptive for them and lead to their behaviour being challenging.

Are the tennis courts outside? They might find tennis loses its appeal in the winter, and you might not be doing this for very long! I’d give it a go seeing as they do a lot for you.

She's already taking her to appointments and doing the grass now and op's only 62. Yes I know you have a health issue op, as do many, but if you work I presume you're mobile etc.

Do the babysitting. It's give and take!

@Asineleen I'm interested to know how disabled you actually are because I can't answer your AIBU without knowing. You say you can walk 10 minutes to work and are sometimes just walking past your daughter's house, which is 10 minutes away, so presumably going further still. That's quite a lot of walking. I hesitate to call myself disabled (because I can actually walk and stand up) but I certainly can't walk for anything like 10 minutes in one go. So what is the nature of your disability that you can do all that walking but can't do this relatively small thing for your daughter?

Don’t trial run. My mother agreed to have my children when they were young while I worked Saturdays. Did it twice then announced it was too much and completely left me in the lurch. Paying for sitters was less hassle tbh. You’ve said no now so just stick to it. But if I was your children I’d be much less inclined to help you with other stuff. It’s 4-5 hours a month so they can do something together they enjoy. And not forever, just while the children are young and you still are too! I think you’re being mean.

So selfish to refuse

Twins and a 4 year old must be full on - at least help them out it's only a few hours and you live ten minutes away

Well, I personally think it’s cheeky to take free support when you can pay for it yourself - especially when the person providing that free support has several small children to care for 🤷‍♀️

You could get up half an hour later on the Monday and still have over an hour before you have to leave for work.

I think give it a go if the kid is a
grumpy wee madam through not getting enough sleep then your daughter may quickly knock it on the head anyway but it hardly seems a massive imposition at this stage and you sound unreasonably set in your ways

As a pp said they're already taking you to appointments. This will increase as you age as you don't drive.

Do as much as you can now when able so there is plenty of good feeling when you become more dependent on them.

Threads like these just make me so grateful for my own DM. I really don't think it's a huge ask of you OP given they clearly do a lot for you. Sounds like it would just form part of a wider quid pro quo family dynamic.

I'm getting this vibe too, OP is only 62 and they already do a fair bit of running around for her. I am guessing OP would not be fine if they declined to do these things.

I would at least offer once a month @Asineleen it is nice to give back. Your daughter and son in law sound lovely and it sounds like it took a lot for her to ask.

People keep saying that they do a lot for her, but we don't know the details.
How often does she need to go to a hospital appointment? If it's weekly then yes, they are doing a lot and you can see why they would want the favour returned. If it's once a month then that's the equivalent of the Saturday night babysitting, so if comparing time then it's even.

I don't know where the OP lives and how big her lawn is but because of the heat ours is so dry it hasn't needing cutting since the spring! So again it's not clear how often SIL needs to actually come and cut the grass. Also as someone else pointed out, is that a preferable task to being at home with 3 little ones? For a lot of men on MN it is.

I'm siding with you OP, I'm only 41 and have mobility issues with arthritis. I can drive, but apart from that I need occasional help with some things. I can't believe the attitudes of some people on this thread. I agree with the trialling it, considering they do help you, but from what you said, it sounds like you do some share of childcare already which is fair.

Of course you don’t have to agree to anything that you don’t want to but if you say no to them, you might find that they start saying no to you too! They clearly help you out, so it’s a shame that you’re reluctant to help your own daughter out. Her life must be bloody hectic (obviously not your fault) so I’d want to do something nice for her!
They’ve said they’ll give you a lift home, so you could easily be in bed by 10pm. It’s every other week!
Oh and you’ve had two children yourself. Why are you worrying so much about the older child not settling and being tired for school? That’s the parent’s issue, not yours and if it turns into a genuine issue then the parents will have to re-evaluate the situation.
I would 100% do it if I were in your position.

I would do it and enjoy it. Its not a massive committment.

Harsh
@Asineleen

No I dont want to is enough
I think they are being cheeky knowing you work on the Monday tbh

I personally think the son-in-law could at any point stop cutting the grass if he wanted to.

So if you need help with some things surely you return the favour and help those who assist you?