AIBU to refuse regular Sunday evening childcare for my daughter?

[Asineleen]

Good morning all, I’m not sure if i’m being selfish or fair so please be honest.

Context, I’m 62, I have some health issues but I’m generally able to get on with most parts of life, I do find somethings quite overwhelming though.

Last night my DD messaged me, she has 3 children, twins who are 2 and a 4 year old. I love my granddaughters, I love spending time with them and I’m happy to have them occasionally. Currently they come for a sleep over every other month on a Saturday night and I may provide some ad-hoc childcare if and when it’s needed.
DD was asking if I would be happy to come to hers on alternating Sunday nights from 7ish to 9:30ish in the evening. She and her husband want to go to the mixed doubles group at the local tennis club (they already go to ladies and gents night but obviously the other just stays home with the kids).
She said her mother in law has offered to do every other Sunday.
She told me she would make sure the girls were bathed and in bed and they wouldn’t leave until 7:15 and it continues until 9pm then they would be back around 9:15-30.
I live 10 minutes away, DD said she would make sure either she or her DH be able to drive me home.
She said likely the girls wouldn’t be asleep just yet but the twins would be close and I could sit with her eldest and read with her then it would just be manning the house from about 8 onwards.

I said sorry no I can’t. Mostly as I have work at 8am on Mondays, I tend to be in bed for 8-9 most evenings and tbh I just don’t think it would be as easy as she is selling it, I imagine the children would be out of sorts since mummy and daddy were away and it’s a school night for the eldest so I would feel awful if I wasn’t able to get her down to sleep on time.
I do have 2 children, but there is 11 and a half years between them so I never had a phase of caring for multiple very small children and while I’m happy to do it on a Saturday where bedtime can go a bit off plan and it not matter, I’d worry on a school night.

When my mum called this morning I mentioned it to her and my mum has made me feel awful saying considering all they do for me (drive to appointments, cut my grass etc.), it would be a nice small way to say thank you and if son-in-laws mum can do it and she’s in a whole different town, why can’t I.

So AIBU to say no? Am I being selfish and ungrateful since they do things for me? Should I say yes and just see how it goes?

If you don't drive and have mobility issues at 62, you are going to be come increasingly dependent on them over the next 20-30 years. Maybe do what you can and sacrifice one early night every other week for them now. It's not just about the lifts and lawn mowing now,it's everything going fowards, and it will get more not less as you age.

We live in thecsane village as DH's DP. We've recently gone from them helping out with DC to us helping them out quite regularly. Isn't that the circle of life.
I have a severely disabled boy and we spend so much time in hospital with him...but still I'm running DP to appointments, because I want them to get there without the stress of parking and to ensure they are safe.
Life changes in a blink of an eye. Enjoy your GC and your DS having some time with his wife!

It's great that you have listened to the comments and are going to give it a try. Explain your concerns to your DD and SiL - I'm sure they're not going to want the eldest overtired for school either, so if the girls don't settle quickly may change their tennis night. It's lovely you help each other out.

The reason people are picking OP’s situation apart is because she freely admits that her daughter and son-in-law help her out a lot - even though they have three small children at home.

If they did fuck all for her and were demanding all this childcare the answers would likely be very different. As it is, they give up a lot of their time for the OP and are merely asking for 4-5 hours of help a month in return.

Yes, but that can work both ways. I don't like transactional relationships but OP may well lose some good will that she relies upon for lifts, grass cutting etc. 'No' is a complete sentence for her too and she won't have to give a reason why OP will need a gardener and a regular taxi. That stuff relies on good will.

Besides, a couple of hours, of which at least some of is likely to be TV/Book time while the kids sleep will mean the absolute world to her daughter. A small effort will do wonders for their mental and physical wellbeing and their relationship. I realise she has mobility issues, and if she really cant manage it, then the daughter must accept that. And I think she would with good grace. But the sleep thing or a hard no risks destroying that good will and misses the opportunity to do a great kindness.

Clearly a reverse. The language makes it obvious.

It’s nice that you’re giving it a go.

Maybe they can suggest to the club that they move the time of the class to a more reasonable time. Of course the club will have their own scheduling reasons, but it might be useful feedback.

I do agree with you on Sunday evenings. I resent any demands made of me on Sunday evenings as it’s stressful enough with Monday morning on the horizon.

It is a reverse OP. Admit it, it’s tedious. No idea why people do this.

The OP may not agree with her mother on her assessment of "too much" and she didn't elaborate herself so you may well be right.

I would totally see ad-hoc lifts to the hospital as a much lesser imposition than committing my every other Sunday to babysitting 3 children under 4. And I used to be a mum of young kids so I can imagine both.

Give it a try! This is what families do, help each other. As you get older your daughter and son in law will no doubt be helping you more. I find helping kids with regular childcare very tiring but I would never not do it.

I'm usually the first to say don't commit to regular childcare as a grandparent but this seems like such a small favour and it would really help them out. I'd be happy to do it, they sound very supportive to you.

A small effort will do wonders for their mental and physical wellbeing and their relationship. I realise she has mobility issues
It's not just mobility issues, it's her night's sleep and her worry about looking after the kids on a school night. I don't think you, as a stranger, can really casually judge/dismiss it as a 'small effort'.

But they're in a better position health-wise to offer the OP support. And she has other good reasons not to want to do it. I think being concerned about the kids getting a good night's sleep on a schoolnight is very responsible of her.

Every body of research shows that solid connections with younger people in the family, is the best defense for fighting off illness, depression, poor mental health. Being in touch with current trends etc is the best solution to aging you can get. The favour to babysit isn't one way. I'm nearly 60, I'm my DD's childcare. I see the difference in people who ard involved in their family and those that aren't. My eldest liked Toystory, I never liked 2+, but this summer I've enjoyed Toystory 5. I've done activities I wouldn't have bothered with. It isn't good for us to stop moving, stick with the same routine and have our life getting slowly smaller.

I'm surprised by all the comments saying you're being selfish. You're not, better to lay your stall out early than commit and then withdraw the help. Why are couples somehow "owed " a date night? Could your daughter not just get a babysitter in?

Given everything you’ve said, yes I would at least give it a go. And I am generally fiercely protective of my evenings.

They may be better off health-wise but looking after three small children isn’t exactly a walk in the park. If the daughter is having to cart the kids about to the appointments and solo parent while her husband mows everyone’s lawn twice a month, that’s a big commitment on her part.

I can understand the Sunday night timing isn't the best - you may feel under pressure to get the kids to bed quickly for their sleep and also so you can relax. But it sounds like you have a great relationship and I'm sure your DD would really appreciate a night out with her DH every week. It's good you would be sharing it with MiL rather than all on one of you. Hopefully you would fall into a routine after a few visits and it would become calmer and enjoyable.

I don't think anyone can say YABU as it's your right to decide it's too much, but if you can communicate clearly with DD and explain your reservations, I would want to give it a chance.

I'm not saying that but I think looking after 3 young children over night every other month is a kind and generous thing to do and I would love that and be so thankful for that. I think grandparents helping out now and again is lovely and it's not unreasonable to ask for the odd evening out so as a couple you can have some time together. Same as her daughter taking her to appointments (which we don't know the frequency, could be frequent or very infrequent or if her daughter works or is a SAHM - we also don't know how much the other grandparents help). I have the Sunday scaries at the best of times (I'm a primary school teacher). Sunday evenings are for squeezing the last bit of the wknd before work begins and mentally preparing for the working week. Everyone is different. Some people might be happy to do it and for others it's a big ask. Maybe because my two are still primary school age, I haven't forgotten how hard bedtime can be.

The OP doesn't indeed do "some" Saturdays - every other month so 6 per year! Her son in law, meanwhile, is cutting her grass 26 times a year. If 6 times a year is seen as regular help, then her ad hoc help must be once in a blue moon.

I tend to wake up around 6 too but come on - it's 2.5 hours once a fortnight and you'll be home by 10pm. I would at least offer to try it for a few weeks and only stop doing it if unexpected problems occur.

I would normally say, don't do childcare if you don't want to, esp if the parents are taking the piss a bit. But they're not in this case.

And I think your mum is right. They already do quite a bit for you, and I assume your mobility is going to get worse, rather than better, as you age. And it's likely there'll be a point when you need a lot more practical support from them, esp if you're in a village with poor transport links. Same for your mum actually, as I assume you won't be able to provide practical support for her if she needs it. How will they feel when they're juggling 3 teenagers, work and having to support you and your mum? I think they'll remember your refusal to provide a couple of hours help once a fortnight

Your mum is opinionated here! How old is she? Could she do it?

I'd really hate my evening routine messed with if I had to work the next day and it would be worse with health problems.

It doesn't really matter that MiL can do it.

I think OP should refuse to go there, but maybe give it a try at her home where the kids are in the pj's etc, can curl up on the sofa and OP can go straight to bed once the kids were picked up. But, let her dd and dh know it's just to try it and if OP is too tired she will tell them and that will be it.

But, of course, OP can just refuse outright

I think you should do it given all the do for you.