AIBU to regret a beach holiday with my adult daughter?

[Mumin40s]

I am away with my DD in her 20’s and I am feeling frustrated and not sure how to address this or just never go on holiday with her ever again! We are on a pool/beach holiday and she was really excited to come. I paid for the whole trip.

I think (more than ever now) she’s ND but she’s not diagnosed.

I am quite body confident even though I am not a supermodel, I’m mid 40’s, I do my best but don’t care what anyone thinks. I also don’t take long to get ready, am quite low maintenance. I am also happy to go with the flow with plans, I am flexible and don’t mind what we do, or if someone else has a preference.

DD has come away with the bare minimum and frankly unsuitable suitable holiday clothing and shoes. This isn’t because of money, she works and spends loads on clothes and shoes. She spends all day worrying about her hair/makeup/swimwear and spends 2+ hours getting ready for us to just lounge around the hotel. It’s hot so all her make up comes off in about 20 mins anyway. She has bad skin but won’t go to the GP about it. No one is allowed to ever take photos of her but also she’s intolerant of me taking photos of anything including myself. She is constantly caring about what anyone else around us might think. She constantly is complaining it’s hot, she’s sweaty, she needs to wash her hair, she’s only happy when she’s had a fresh shower and is in air con indoors, but she also complained the air con was too cold.

I’m not allowed to make noise in our room, like play music to get ready to, talk to other people on holiday, have fun, leave her alone, or pretty much anything. She won’t go in the pool, she hasn’t got a book, she just sits looking grumpy all day. She won’t go to the bar by herself. When I ask her if she’s ok, she says she’s fine.

We just eat, drink, lay on a lounger, move around a bit but there is zero fun and I’m not even sure how to create fun with her being so intolerant of basically anything. I tried to get her to have some cocktails to loosen her up and she told me she had googled it and she could get liver damage from the alcohol 😳

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

I did prepare her we were going for one nice meal this trip and she has worn what I think is a ridiculous outfit for 30 degree heat and a smart casual establishment and I’m not sure we are going to be allowed in!

Is this kids of today or just my daughter? As I don’t know where she gets this from it’s not me!

Take her on an autumn weekend trip to Copenhagen or something next time. She can wear jeans and won’t be bothered by the sand and heat.

I am actually wondering now if this is one of those joke threads - the more you write about your daughter the more it looks like she is neurodiverse / has severe anxiety ... and you just seem irrated by it which is unusual for a parent who cares about their child.
If she has contamination issues and is washing more she likely has OCD. OCD is a reaction to someone who has anxiety but not the skills to manage it and they can then develop OCD as a coping mechanism. Her coming out of school and being emotional with you - common ASD trait in girls at school as they mask all day and are exhausted when they get home.

You aren’t responsible for her happiness, make the most of your holiday.

Yes I was very much meaning she could do it if she wasn’t sure and she could go to a pharmacy if it was a problem.

Can I ask if she’s been on this kind of holiday before when she was younger?

This is going to make me sound like a bad person but I really don’t enjoy going away with one of my DC. I try to take my DC on 1:1 trips I think they will enjoy, with activities linked to their interests. My other DC are great and complain very little, if I go away with them they’re happy to be there in general and we have a great time.

DD is intolerant to everything just as you describe with your DD. She HATES heat so going anywhere in summer / a hot country just becomes a tirade of whinging about the heat but then on top of that, she’s going to pass out, she’s going to vomit, she can’t cope, she won’t eat, she can’t sleep, are you sure she isn’t going to die? Basically non stop. It’s miserable.

We all went down to London as a family last week and had this constantly, she pretty much ruined it for me. Yes it was a heatwave but everyone else got on with it. But on the flipside, she also hates the cold… I’ll never forget going to Beamish at Christmas a couple of years ago, supposed to be a nice memory for everyone but she just complained constantly about how freezing it was and essentially ruined it.

Maybe some personalities are incompatible? I have little tolerance for whinging and think people should be more stoic and get on with shit. It might be best to avoid holidays with your DD in future. The make-up to sit by the pool and sweat it off is relatable too… You can’t win.

Daughtr - go back to the room am not interested in you ruining MY holiday

Morning Jane I'm off to the pool. Join me if you want or if you're staying here or going out I'll just see you later.

All those who are posting that OP should do her own thing, go off somewhere seem to have missed that OP says in her OP that her daughter complains about being left on her own too.

And? At least OP won’t be there to hear it then.

@Mumin40s seriously OP, having lived there I think a long weekend in Copenhagen would have been preferable- moderate temperatures.some really nice affordable mid range hotels where she could have her own room, a nice day at Tivoli or Bakken ‘if ‘ she can cope with crowds and noise- if not nice areas to walk around, shopping centres, parks - lovely cosy dimly lit bars as well as big sunny terraces - a lovely prom walk along the beach if she doesn’t want to go on sand - ‘or’ maybe something like a summer alpine resort -zell am see or seefeld really nice - easier on senses if they don’t like noise or other people’s music and like walking - like you I think this may be the wrong kind of holiday for you together but until she makes her mind up what ‘would’ be the right kind - then I would totally give it a miss- you say she’s been away with her boyfriend- to be honest if she’s this moody with him I’m suprised she has one , but maybe he’s similar! Where did they go? Did she enjoy that? Maybe she would just rather be hanging out with her boyfriend- so it’s not the holiday, it’s that she’s not in the mindset to be away with you ? Maybe she’s had a disagreement with him? Honestly when my son was mid to late teens, I needed to be a mind reader - realise your daughter isa bit older

I’m not saying she should, but do you think the daughter is slightly embarrassed by her mum dressing skimpily and spending the holiday drinking and tipsy? Maybe she feels like she has to be the grown up? This is not my opinion btw, just thinking what she may think?

Haven't missed it, just think OP should buckle up and deal with any fallout.

Staying joined at the hip is causing resentment on OPs side and isn't actually doing the dd any good or making her happy.

They may both actually benefit from a break from each other.

Dd is 20 so safe to be left.
Dd's anxiety appears to be sole reason for not having separate time.
Dd needs to learn to self-soothe and sit with her anxiety rather than try to control people around her.

She does judge me! It’s not her cup of tea but that’s ok!

She’s ok today, I think the reality of it’s not her thing I’m twice her age and different generation, it is what it’s is.

I think we both trying our best we are just different people

Has she liked all inclusive beach holidays in the past?

Next time take me OP. I love a cocktail or three and I don't wear any make-up.

Yes to my face looking blank annoyed miserable - and it really does get annooying when someone starts saying whats the matter with you, or presuming youre in a bad mood etc when actually it's just my face at rest. If you want annimated; Im masking and Im going to get exhausted pretty damn quick

Precisely

2 very different people have gone on holiday together.

person 1 is a socialiser, wants to enjoy the holiday by having some drinks, socialising, likes hot weather and wants to wear summer clothes.

person 2 is a quieter person; they have allergies and dont have access to medications so is a little wary, and has spent the whole trip with the allergies. Person 2 doesnt particularly enjoy wearing shorts/tshirts/swimswear, and is wearing their choice of clothing

person1 says they're happy to go with the flow; however doesn't like what the flow is; as person2 is happy to lounge around the hotel. However Person1 also doesnt want to leave the hotel as it's hotter and would cost more money and its all inclusive.

Person1 wants to take selfies/photos of person2 but person2 doesn't like being photographed.

person1 would like to socialise with other guests and do fun activities; but person2 would prefer not to,

Person1 thinks that person2 should "have some cocktails to loosen her up and" Has "spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out" Person2 does not want to drink.

Person1 has decided she wants to go to a specific restaurant and has explained the dress code; person2 knows the dresscode and is wearing something that person1 doesn't like"

Person 1 thinks it's ok to describe Persons2 outfit as weird,despite it obviously being ok for the dress code, person2 being comfortable and it not affecting person1 at all

Person2 doesnt like the sensory feeling off sand, she also has issues with her skin and has allergies so probably doesnt feel comfortable but still goes on to the beach/sand for a sunset.

Person2 has been asked if she's ok she has said yes but because she's not being animated person1 thinks she is not ok and this is irritating her and causing her not to enjoy the holiday.

All I'm getting from this if this was any other situation other than a mother and daughter - if we consider partners/siblings/friends is that

person 1 should go and enjoy the activities she wants, to stop pestering person2 to wear what they think she should wear/to drink/to be animated, Catch up a couple of times a day and have separate holidays together.

Yes this obsession with how she is dressed is quite odd. Op quite a lot of this seems to be you saying why is she not me, I wear the right clothes I get ready correctly ie quickly, I don’t care about showing my body etc etc.

she sounds like she hates herself and just doesn’t want anyone to see her or draw attention to her. When you talk to people do you reference her? What she’s wearing , this is sally , yes I know she must be boiling in that outfit I’ve told her etc etc.

Other posters have hit on control aspect. So the dd doesn’t want to be alone but wants op to stay with her and won’t go to get a drink herself or into town by herself for meditation.
I think set out your plans and say welcome to join me. Then just go. No waiting around or jollying along.
The clothing thing I can see from OP’s side. The daughter is socially awkward and doesn’t want to draw attention to herself. But by choosing clothing outside the norm does just that eg if she’s in thick baggy jeans, boots and a hoodie in 30 degree heat in a nice restaurant when everyone else in a summer dress or linen trousers.
It’s easy to say ignore it but if dd is upset because everyone is staring in her eyes or feels unwell because she’s too hot then it impacts on mum who has booked meal in nice restaurant and just wants a pleasant evening.

@TorroFerney look I said DD there is a dress code for the à la carte and I would like to eat there once. Just once. I sent her the link to it and the dress code. She wore baggy jeans and trainers. It’s 32 degrees. They did let us in but I was stressed they wouldn’t.

She’s in a bikini by the pool so I think she’s feeling a bit more confident. I actually feel sorry for her she looks great. I’ve had 2 kids and have more weight and wobble on me than she does, she’s a little size 8 I think she looks cracking but I appreciate girls can feel self conscious I just feel bad for her in that way.

We have had a better day, going home tomorrow

Do you live together?

So what was weird about her clothes & how skimpy are yours?