AIBU to regret a beach holiday with my adult daughter?

[Mumin40s]

I am away with my DD in her 20’s and I am feeling frustrated and not sure how to address this or just never go on holiday with her ever again! We are on a pool/beach holiday and she was really excited to come. I paid for the whole trip.

I think (more than ever now) she’s ND but she’s not diagnosed.

I am quite body confident even though I am not a supermodel, I’m mid 40’s, I do my best but don’t care what anyone thinks. I also don’t take long to get ready, am quite low maintenance. I am also happy to go with the flow with plans, I am flexible and don’t mind what we do, or if someone else has a preference.

DD has come away with the bare minimum and frankly unsuitable suitable holiday clothing and shoes. This isn’t because of money, she works and spends loads on clothes and shoes. She spends all day worrying about her hair/makeup/swimwear and spends 2+ hours getting ready for us to just lounge around the hotel. It’s hot so all her make up comes off in about 20 mins anyway. She has bad skin but won’t go to the GP about it. No one is allowed to ever take photos of her but also she’s intolerant of me taking photos of anything including myself. She is constantly caring about what anyone else around us might think. She constantly is complaining it’s hot, she’s sweaty, she needs to wash her hair, she’s only happy when she’s had a fresh shower and is in air con indoors, but she also complained the air con was too cold.

I’m not allowed to make noise in our room, like play music to get ready to, talk to other people on holiday, have fun, leave her alone, or pretty much anything. She won’t go in the pool, she hasn’t got a book, she just sits looking grumpy all day. She won’t go to the bar by herself. When I ask her if she’s ok, she says she’s fine.

We just eat, drink, lay on a lounger, move around a bit but there is zero fun and I’m not even sure how to create fun with her being so intolerant of basically anything. I tried to get her to have some cocktails to loosen her up and she told me she had googled it and she could get liver damage from the alcohol 😳

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

I did prepare her we were going for one nice meal this trip and she has worn what I think is a ridiculous outfit for 30 degree heat and a smart casual establishment and I’m not sure we are going to be allowed in!

Is this kids of today or just my daughter? As I don’t know where she gets this from it’s not me!

It sounds like when you get back a trip to the GP and maybe a referral to a therapist would really help her. the anxiety and germ thing and obsessions aren't quite normal

Do your own thing, Op.
Your DD might be more comfortable if you just meet up for some lunches and some dinners.
Gather some brouchures about local museums etc.
It sounds like a boring holiday if one has no book, no outside tours and no sand nor waves.
Is there a treed park nearby that is green and shaded? I would read there sometimes.

Is it body dysmorphia?

Take it from me, she is 💯 ND

At the end of a holiday a few years back, I said to my then 16yr old and 18 yr old that I am never going on holiday with them again.

They agreed with my conclusion.

We just want different things now from holidays. And that's ok.

I took it as a win that I raised them right and that they are confident to now holiday without their mum.

Sorry OP, this sounds rubbish. A teen acting this way is one thing, but in her twenties she needs to grow up a bit and realise this is your holiday too. I think I’d be saying to her ‘you don’t seem to be enjoying the holiday DD and I’m sorry about that, next time you don’t have to come. But you’re a young adult now, and and need to realise how you behave has an effect on others!’ And then honestly I’d start to do your own thing- you can give her the option of coming but set our clear boundaries. ‘ DD I’m going to the pool at x time, no problem if you’re not ready I’ll see you down there.’ ‘ I’m going to book Y trip on Wed do you fancy it? If not no problem, I’ll see you back here for tea’ etc. And if you put music on and she doesn’t like it I’d be saying - tough basically! My kids are all under 10 and often complain amount my music choice- I just laugh and say they’ll thank me one day for introducing them to good music, I can’t imagine letting my children dictate what music I can listen to!

We went for dinner (in her weird outfit)

Imagine being the unfortunate soul who has a mother who posts comments such as this about you

Tbh I think that’s exactly how she sees it 😂
Slightly drunk, skimpy dressed, noisy embarrassing mum

I do let her do her make up for 2 hours. I don’t have any other choice. I don’t complain about it just my own secret eye roll when she complains the heat has made it all slide off. If I go out without her I think it makes her feel anxious but if she’s asleep then I do go.

She isn’t always particularly polite to me, it’s always been an issue she would come out of school and unleash all her rage on me, she can be like this with work too. I am her safe space so I can’t be that bad 😂 she doesn’t have many friends so I do think I’m probably the person she is closest to in the world and I love her

Look I’ve taken her on holiday of my own free will, I could have taken someone else, and I’m venting on mumsnet, not to her, I’m not telling her I think her outfit is weird or that she’s not much fun. I’m telling strangers.

I’m on holiday with dd’s and 15yo dd is being like this. To be fair she’d be delighted to be pool lounging (we are in remote house, no pool).

im swearing never to go on holiday with her again.

sympathies op. Sounds unbearable.

dont let her ruin your vibe. Take the rest of your holiday to do what you want. She’s an adult she won’t melt away.

It sounds like she is struggling from an ND perspective, with sensory and change-type aspects of being on holiday. I had a holiday with one of my dc, during which they did nothing but complain about the heat, were reluctant to leave the hotel room, etc etc. I can’t easily afford to go on holiday and it was a special treat for their big birthday! However, they now remember it as the ‘best week of my life’ 🤣

However, this is your holiday too and it is crap that she’s not able to see that! Can you go off and do your own thing? Do something else while she’s spending two hours doing make up? I left my dc in the hotel a day or so on the above holiday, allowed them to decompress etc and enjoyed myself! They were late teens, sounds like your dd is older?

Word of caution: stuff on mumsnet is easily found. A family member moaned about me on here years ago and I recognised it, our relationship never properly recovered the trust! It’s easy to think this is anonymous and safe, but it isn’t!

All reallly sad.
You say your daughter has brought unsuitable clothes and forgot antihistamines. Why is that not being attended to? A trip to a local town, visit a pharmacy, stop for an ice cream, have a look in some shops. I often buy clothes abroad- shops that sell beach inflatables will usually sell inexpensive clothes too.

Sounds like you are not on the same page regarding holidays- what does your daughter like to do?
I would never in a million years go on holiday with my mother- it would be a nightmare.

Is it just the two of you at home? No partner and no siblings? Do you envisage her ever living independently ?

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

does she drink?

@BallerinaFall have you had counselling or read books that help you cope with the NT life we’re expected to fit in with? What sort of holidays do you prefer?

It's OK to let her sit with her anxiety sometimes.

I think you were being weirdly stubborn about some things eg. not bothering to get antihistamine for days when she needs them, while at the same time, far too accommodating to her mood by not leaving her side.

Heaven forbid she be anxious, but sick from her allergies, sure. It's odd.

Just go where you want to go at least half the time and let her sit in the room or whatever. Just keep your phone on you and she can join or not.

Just to say this sounds like my Dd who is younger, and also suspected ASD.

It’s really hard for ND people on holiday unless they love travel as an interest. I haven’t been on holiday with me dd for 5 years as she hates it. I miss her company and would give anything to have a holiday with her. Take the small wins op and do your thing and just enjoy the bits she is ok with.

She sounds like a nightmare…. In her 20’s and doesn’t know what to pack for a holiday in the sun. I mean… it’s not rocket science. You can get AI to create a checklist if you’re not sure.
I don’t have any ND children so can’t help you with that aspect but I would be doing the things that I want and telling her and she could come along or not. I would not wait for the marathon make up application and I’d see her by the pool or I’d be off on whatever activity I chose. If there are suitable shops nearby then yes we could go in and she could look for some clothes if she wanted. The same with the pharmacy and the anti histamines… she has got limbs presumably and a working phone? Moaning would need to be done away from me if I’d paid for everything. NS doesn’t excuse you from
basic manners.

( the skin probably needs an antibiotic to clear up and if she’s weird about taking medication perhaps you could remind her that she takes antihistamines) Good luck OP

She sounds really stressed and anxious. Would it help you to get through it if you reframed it like that? Antihistamines are no problem though just buy some?

My DD was like this at that age.
She has ASD.
She's in her 30s now, her skin is clear and that's made a huge difference.
But the flexibility re change of plans will always be there. I'm sorry it was a shit holiday OP.
With ASD you have to lower your expectations, anything better than a meltdown is a win.

I would say change your expectations, rather than lower.

She is an adult I think she would find it very patronising if I created an AI checklist of clothing on her behalf. She chooses not to buy suitable clothing for holidays. She’s been on other holidays this year with her boyfriend.

She says the antihistamines are not an issue and doesn’t want to go to the shops

YANBU. Whatever her issues are, she’s a grown adult and she’s making this holiday - that was all paid for! - thoroughly miserable.

Like everyone else, she’s in charge of her own happiness. She’s choosing to be miserable.

I would be telling her to get her act together and be pleasant to be around or she would be spending the rest of the holiday alone. And I certainly wouldn’t be going away with her again.

Of course she doesn't want to go to the shops! 🤣 She doesn't want to do anything.

She's not exactly thinking or acting in her own best interests though, probably because of the ND traits that made her forget them in the first place.

Just get them. Go in on your own, do something nice in town for yourself.

You're not treating her like an adult though. If you were you'd go out and let her manage her anxiety for a bit. None of this makes sense.