AIBU to regret a beach holiday with my adult daughter?

[Mumin40s]

I am away with my DD in her 20’s and I am feeling frustrated and not sure how to address this or just never go on holiday with her ever again! We are on a pool/beach holiday and she was really excited to come. I paid for the whole trip.

I think (more than ever now) she’s ND but she’s not diagnosed.

I am quite body confident even though I am not a supermodel, I’m mid 40’s, I do my best but don’t care what anyone thinks. I also don’t take long to get ready, am quite low maintenance. I am also happy to go with the flow with plans, I am flexible and don’t mind what we do, or if someone else has a preference.

DD has come away with the bare minimum and frankly unsuitable suitable holiday clothing and shoes. This isn’t because of money, she works and spends loads on clothes and shoes. She spends all day worrying about her hair/makeup/swimwear and spends 2+ hours getting ready for us to just lounge around the hotel. It’s hot so all her make up comes off in about 20 mins anyway. She has bad skin but won’t go to the GP about it. No one is allowed to ever take photos of her but also she’s intolerant of me taking photos of anything including myself. She is constantly caring about what anyone else around us might think. She constantly is complaining it’s hot, she’s sweaty, she needs to wash her hair, she’s only happy when she’s had a fresh shower and is in air con indoors, but she also complained the air con was too cold.

I’m not allowed to make noise in our room, like play music to get ready to, talk to other people on holiday, have fun, leave her alone, or pretty much anything. She won’t go in the pool, she hasn’t got a book, she just sits looking grumpy all day. She won’t go to the bar by herself. When I ask her if she’s ok, she says she’s fine.

We just eat, drink, lay on a lounger, move around a bit but there is zero fun and I’m not even sure how to create fun with her being so intolerant of basically anything. I tried to get her to have some cocktails to loosen her up and she told me she had googled it and she could get liver damage from the alcohol 😳

I’ve spent this holiday so far slightly drunk to zone out from her constant negativity 😂

I did prepare her we were going for one nice meal this trip and she has worn what I think is a ridiculous outfit for 30 degree heat and a smart casual establishment and I’m not sure we are going to be allowed in!

Is this kids of today or just my daughter? As I don’t know where she gets this from it’s not me!

I think it's because OP said in her first post - 'are other teenagers like this or just my daughter?' (I'm paraphrasing cos I can't remember the exact words)

@AnonAnonmystery @choccytime

ND? She sounds like a brat.

My dd is like this. I used to think it was depression or teenage angst etc but consistently she has ruined every holiday I have been on with her. I have now vowed never again. I wonder if she is autistic.

She sounds extremely self-conscious and lacking self-confidence or even a severe social anxiety in unfamiliar territory.

Can you leave her in the room and suggest she joins you when she's ready, she might enjoy just chilling with the air-conditioning on and you can have a drink at the bar and do some random holiday chitchat.

(Never understand on MN how kids with the slightest hint of ND get oodles of sympathy but as soon as they turn into an adult that vanishes).

This. If you think she may be ND why didn’t you at least remind her about her meds?

I could relate to at least some of this from your DD's perspective. I spent all of my 20s and a good deal of my 30s suffering from anxiety and extreme self consciousness about how I was perceived, all the time, by strangers and by those who I knew. It was exhausting and manifested in being on edge all the time.
I could mask it somewhat with others but not my mum who I felt safest around to express my severe discomfort, my irrational fears, my insecurities.

I echo previous posters, I would have hated to have felt like I was holding anyone back from having fun, and OP please stop watching her like a hawk and judging what seem like poor coping mechanisms to you. She is struggling in an unfamiliar environment and you need to give her space while reassuring her that you're contactable if she needs you.

Of course it's frustrating, but you'd have been better getting the medication day one, as she's bound to be miserable if her allergies are bad.

I'd leave her to it and organise some trips for myself- I'm not going to wait for 2 hours for someone to get ready to lounge around in the sun, no matter how anxious/vain they are about their appearance, I'm not sure what relevance her being (or not being) ND is , either way she's a nightmare- you need to claw something back for yourself.
She sounds like someone who is not at all at peace with themselves, which on it's own makes her someone to avoid- why didn't you realise, you must have known what she is like before booking the holiday.

Who needs enemies when your own mother starts AIBU thread about you, pretty much asking randoms to bitch about you

Does your daughter have access to money? Is there any reason why she can't buy antihistamines/books/magazines?

As someone who is late diagnosed i have finally understood why I need to wear what you call weird outfits.

I sometimes find the whole world an assault on my senses so for instance during 1 reason heatwave I wore long sleeve top and a thick cardigan and a thick winter coat plus thick tights to go to an event because ej really wanted to be jome safe in bed eith the heaviness of a duvet as I got pregnant comfortable I was able to shed layers. Other autistic people I know cant feel the temperature and or have sensory issues. Why is you being body confident better than her wearing clothes that make her feel body comfortable. Even if you dont like it.

In regards to a day of chit chat at the pool with all the screeching of people in the pool, the bright sunshine, the heat, etc. If im feeling safe yes, if im alone I can do the sitting bh the pool but only because i have control to leave I dont have someone saying im rude or im worrying they'll think im rude. Chit chat is not how i talk, ask about my book. Talk about prooer things

And boone is saying stay at the hotel and have a miserable time. If youre dd says shes happy.leave her be and go and explore. You knew who she was before the holiday she wasnt going to change.

This.

Usually not wanting to be on photos signifies low self esteem about one's appearance and body issues. Add allergies etc to that, and being told to 'loosen up'.

Imagine you're going through a pretty horrific time in your life, wake up feeling low/sad/angry, don't like what you see in the mirror, feel bunged up because of allergies...

And someone goes 'lighten up, you'd be much prettier if you smiled!'

She may well feel that nobody gets her, that she's alone in the world, and her family don't get her at all. These are common things to feel as a teen/young adult. The cure is not to fix them, but actually love and accept.

Some parents and children are simply not a good match, and that's ok, too.

The way the daughter is described reminds me of my childhood best friend. She was just different, experienced the world differently and has become a perfecly functional adult.

Funny enough, she was often told to be more like me growing up. It's not nice when your parents don't approve of you and don't accept you for who you are.

Do you find parenting a struggle @BallerinaFall ?

@Mumin40s I feel so sory for you; you must have been really looking forward to having a break and a nice time.

I don't really know what to advise esp in the case of where ND might be playing a part.

It struck me that that my parents would have had no truck with this behaviour at all. There is being supportive and empathetic on one hand (which you are being), but this is actually really unkind behaviour towards you. Before anyone jumps, I am from a family of 4 girls so there were always moments of friction and I do think one of my sisters is undiagnosed autistic. But wow - my parents would have taken the nuclear option and sent my complaining behind home (harsh I know) but honestly it was a lesson I learnt by about 15. I guess what I am saying is that it is not kind for one person to dominate the situation/mood in a family and make it horrible for other family members. I am not saying you can fix this immediately in this moment, but boundary setting can be powerful.

It is also not doing her any favours in the long run if this is not addressed (in whatever way you think is appropriate for her needs) because she will always have to navigate situations with differing interests/situations - for the rest of her life really.

Her "rules" are too much on one side (towards her needs, wants and desires) and too far away from some sort of compromise.

I hope you manage to do some nice things for yourself, and hopefully have a better holiday with her in future.

Lots of judgement on this post and not much sympathy

OP, I feel for you and your daughter. This all sounds a lot like autism. Hating travel and the journey, hating being away and out of the routine and comfort of home. Specific and inexplicable clothes choices. Being controlling and horrid to mum - probably because mum is her safe person and only safe "space" and she can vent her frustrations. I don't understand why autistic daughters can be so controlling of their mums but I've seen it.

I would say nothing about this sounds like body confidence.

I would absolutely go out tomorrow and get whatever might make your daughter feel more comfortable - the idea of another journey and one so far from home may seem literally impossible to your daughter.

Don't worry about the clothes, don't make another comment. The only exception I would make is to ask her if she'd like to buy anything tomorrow if you go out, or if she'd like you to buy her something.

Without meaning to be funny have you asked her what she would find fun? If it is sitting in the hotel room all day watching tv, just leave her to it (and relish a day to yourself to do what you like, and an evening meal together).

I'm assuming the 2hr make up sessions don't need you to be there? If so, again, leave her to it.

I will add she can't help her reactions, they may well be baffling to her too.

I think there is still the opportunity to shape this holiday into one you both enjoy at least partially!

They were answering OPs question. Kids of today or just her daughter?

many of the things you describe could describe my ND teen:

• random/incomplete packing
• forgetting essential medicine
• odd / out of place / ill judged outfit choices
• hating photos
• sensitive to heat/light/noise/sand
• concerns about germs
• hyper fixated (eg on getting ready)
• taking advice serious (eg drinks)

but I just wanted to say that my DD will often look grumpy or blank when she’s actually very content or happy - if your DD saying she’s fine that may well be completely true and if she’s happy despite the behaviours and differences and difficulties, maybe that’s something to hold onto

How independent is she at home? Has she been on holidays abroad with friends?

If she doesn't want to do anything do it without her. She's an adult as you said, although you speak about her like she's an annoying teen still.

She doesn't sound like a typical woman in her 20s, my dd age 21 is lots of fun and loves beach holidays, cocktails and clubbing.

She sounds very ND.

She does sound a right pain in the ass. You sound lovely and easy going.

Just got back from a holiday with dd. I feel seen!
I love the holidays we have done but it's hard work!

She needs to see a dermatologist as you know.
Constantly cleaning the skin can strip it and make it worse.
She sounds controlling and you need to push back.
She doesn't tell you what do do or what music you can listen to.
Entertaining this will only make her worse.
Push back hard and be firm.
Also, head off yourself.
She can join you or not.
Never book anything like this again.
Her behaviour is not reasonable.
The more you give, the more she will demand.
Better to push back than to allow her to think her demands are acceptable.
This is your holiday too.

My daughter is 21 and really doesn’t like heat. We went to Turkey and she was so grumpy. It wasn’t personal though. She can’t regulate her temperature. She got bit, she doesn’t tan and was scared of burning. She also lacks body confidence and refuses to tie her hair up.

It’s a bit mean to slag her off OP. She clearly liked the idea of it but just isn’t coping/enjoying the experience.

Let her do her own thing. Also you can buy antihistamines abroad.

I completely agree with this as an autistic person myself! I love travelling and do my best to negate all of the difficulties- I do travel alone, as well, which I find easier as I have control over where I'm going and what I'm doing. I still need help packing, though, and it's very easy for me to tip into a meltdown or shutdown if my plans fall through.

I also wanted to voice my agreement about having a grumpy or blank expression despite saying she's fine and meaning it- I do this too, especially when I'm in comfortable company and not putting huge effort into masking. It can be frustrating when I tell people I'm having fun but they don't believe I'm enjoying myself, but I understand why and how it happens. I'd take her word for it over her expressions, especially as it seems she's pretty honest with you in general (about things others would hide to keep the peace, if you get me).