AIBU to feel hurt that Mum is leaving everything to grandchildren?

[ArcanaQueen]

My mum is making a will and mentioned that she is going to leave everything to the grandchildren only, nothing to my sister and I. Her stated reason is inheritance tax. However, bequeathing everything to grandchildren doesn't mean less IHT will be due on her estate. It means that money that came from her doesn't then face tax on my estate and my sister's once we die. It is of course her right to decide and do as she wishes here, but on the emotional level AIBU to feel shocked and a bit abandoned? I am not wealthy, and nor is my sister, and when my father died (divorced from my mum) we were left nothing as he had faced bankruptcy due to mental health issues.

I think it is more usual to split money between children and grandchildren if people want to definitely include grandchildren? She has been a very withholding, and at times emotionally abusive, mother through much of my life, and caused a lot of hurt, so I guess it's hard for me not to experience this latest decision as hurtful to my sister and I, though of course it's nice she wants to support our children.

Sure, yeah, being responsible for a 500k inheritance in your 20s would be such a drag. 🙄

Maybe they won’t. Maybe the entire inheritance will be swallowed up by OP and they will get nothing.

A lot of these ordinary people own the country’s wealth through homes, second homes, investments, savings accounts, their own inheritances etc. It’s trapped in private ownership and released only through inheritance.

My own Mum is doing the same, she is no contact with 2 of my siblings, low contact with another and speaking to one.
Her estate is going to be divided equally between her Grandchildren, regardless of if they belong to the non contact children.
Seems the most sensible option when relationships are tricky if you still want to keep the wealth within the family rather than leave it to charity.

I guess the point was that OPs mother discussed it on purpose with this exact aim in mind.

I can understand being upset by this. Even if your mum doesn't have a lot, it's the feeling that she just doesn't care about you.

On the bright side, you know where you stand, should she begin to call on you for more help as she ages.

I know you've explained why your kids have needed some extra support, but I think I'd be looking for any way to get back to full time work as soon as you can. Your husband passing away is sad, but thank goodness he had made some provision for the children. You need to think about your own future too, making sure you have secure housing and some are contributing to your own pension fund. You know you won't be getting any help from your mother, so you need to prioritise yourself a little too,

Leaving to grandchildren is not necessarily a bad thing.
When my Dad's mother died he was sole heir and executor, she had always said she would support me through university, but my Dad decided to give me nothing , despite already having had the value of her huge house pay off his mortgage and have plenty to spare , then she died leaving the remainder of the money- but Dad decided to keep it all and spend it on his new family.
Dad is old now and the balance of his estate goes to his son 75% me 25%, despite the fact his son was supported all through university.
Grandma's wishes would have been followed if she had given some to both her grandchildren - as it was I have been disadvantaged by that decision.

My mother told me on my 50th birthday she has taken me out of her will. The other two siblings were taken out years ago when they went no contact. I became disabled in 2024. She is leaving her estate to two grandchildren. She decided to tell me this on my birthday and that I’m the executor. Obviously I’m not going to do this. I have already told my daughter and nephew I won’t be. They are absolutely fine with it. My daughter actually does not want any inheritance. My nephew is well established in his thirties. I can only assume that she wanted some drama or something but as I paid off my mortgage years ago I have no interest in her estate. All I was interested in having was a normal mother, kind and loving.

@Absolutelymad I really hear you and totally share this feeling. I said almost exactly this today! Normal, kind and loving, how far that would go.

I hear you. My mother has decided to leave 50% to my sibling (no kids) and 50% to my kids, so bypassing me. I’m quietly very upset by it. We have a good relationship and I’m an executor (sibling is not)! It’s stings.

She sounds a piece of work.

I've had sort of similar, sister and I were disinherited by grandmother. She left her two children my mother and uncle 5k each and the remainder - a huge chunk to my two cousins. Apparently she didn't want anything going to my sister and I as we "were traitors" (acrimonious divorce between our parents when we were teenagers) sister and I have just about managed to make our own way, our own mother decided to spend all her money on herself using her money to purchase a property from a shark and essentially what is sometimes referred to as a backwards mortgage, basically the whole lot will go to said sharks - her choice, yes it hurt, my feelings towards her have now become one of indifference. I could never do that to my own children, it isn't just not being left anything, but the manipulative way she's handled the whole situation.

I understand why you are upset op and maybe that’s why you’re dm has done it if she was emotionally abusive to you

in my family dsis has always been financially reckless and dm has given her tens of thousands over the years to bail her out. Then when dm got older started helping herself to dm money and when i questioned this and refused to agree to an equity release on dm house so dsis could use it to do home improvements on her own house dsis has excluded me and made it very difficult for me to see dm i believe the will has been changed during this time

dsis has had to sell her own house as she had an interest only mortgage and was planning on using her inheritance to pay it but dm is still alive and living in a care home. Dsis has moved into dm and seems to be doing renovations and now opg have applied to court of protection to have the lpa revoked and she has been suspended immediately as poa

I am nc with both of them now and i doubt there will be much left the way dsis spends and after the care home fees are paid

it was never my money but it would of made a huge difference to us as in we could of given dc house deposits. I have no idea who dsis will leave anything to if she has anything left as she is single no dc and despite previously being very close to my dc has blocked them when she did me

Writing DCs out of a will can feel symbolic.

• a sign of a lack of love/trust/respect/care
• a sign of favouritism
• a sign of wanting to manipulate from beyond the grave

With my DM I can see all of the above. I think she knew that what she has done was going to upset especially DB2 so only DB1 knew (and influenced her I think). She has left us with all the work to sort out the mess as executors and trustees. And she didnt even have the courtesy to tell us.

I visit DM each week in her CH, she has advanced dementia, doesnt know who she is let alone who I am. I'm not doing it out of love, that has gone. It's a sense of duty.

A colleague’s DCs were left a substantial amount by a GP, in a trust.

It took forever to wind it up. The solicitors dragged it on and on, charging through the nose for every letter, email and phone call.

Unless it was the only way, I’d never put money in a trust.

It carries a certain amount of risk, since they’ll have access at 18, but we’ve put money into S&S ISAs for the Gdcs. It should be a fairly substantial sum by the time they get it - we just have to hope they’ll be sensible enough not to blow it all.

In case we’re no longer here, I’ll be leaving letters - with red wax seals! - to be opened on their 18th birthdays, and asking them please to be sensible, since they’re unlikely to receive any such windfall any time soon.

I would never chose to give our kids a small fortune at 18. Our will was written so they didn’t get full access till 25. Seen too many screw ups who got money too early in their lives.

I know, it’s a worry. But the S&S ISAs have already performed very well.

As I’ve just said elsewhere, you do what seems best at the time…

That makes it worse as if she should die before they are much older, any money left will be held in limbo until your DC are adults which could cause complications. It would be different if your DC were just starting out in adult life and needed money for house purchase and that sort of thing. Your mother has made the mistake of writing a will on the basis that it will be years before she dies, rather than if she could go at any time.

The beneficiaries of the trust DM has put in her will are all adults (2 of them are married with their own DCs). They were adults by the time the will was written.

I think it was delusions of grandeur on DM's part. I also suspect that dementia had already started and that she thought her estate was more valuable than it actually is.

CH fees are burning through her savings so the amount her DGCs will receive (eventually) wont add up to much once divided up between them all.

She doesn’t think my sister needs any but she wants to split it 50/50 with her 2 children with my share going to my DS. My sister has no children so her share has to go to her.

My DM did indeed inherit from her parents. Her reasoning is that she inherited quite young so needed the money whereas we’re going to be 50+ so don’t. The ridiculous part is that our DS will be far younger when she dies than we were as children when DM inherited.

The whole thing is a mess but she’s adamant she won’t change anything.