AIBU to feel hurt that Mum is leaving everything to grandchildren?

[ArcanaQueen]

My mum is making a will and mentioned that she is going to leave everything to the grandchildren only, nothing to my sister and I. Her stated reason is inheritance tax. However, bequeathing everything to grandchildren doesn't mean less IHT will be due on her estate. It means that money that came from her doesn't then face tax on my estate and my sister's once we die. It is of course her right to decide and do as she wishes here, but on the emotional level AIBU to feel shocked and a bit abandoned? I am not wealthy, and nor is my sister, and when my father died (divorced from my mum) we were left nothing as he had faced bankruptcy due to mental health issues.

I think it is more usual to split money between children and grandchildren if people want to definitely include grandchildren? She has been a very withholding, and at times emotionally abusive, mother through much of my life, and caused a lot of hurt, so I guess it's hard for me not to experience this latest decision as hurtful to my sister and I, though of course it's nice she wants to support our children.

The in-laws wring their hands over inheritance tax and yet still don't pass it on sooner. £20 is the current going rate for a 21st. So much will go on it and capital gains because they never got their heads around isas

My parents went nuts years ago with an expensive complicated trust but are way below the band. I think it made them feel really important talking to the financial advisor about the 'estate'. They never mentioned it was distinctly council.

I think both sets get a bit of a kick by suggesting that we parents can't be trusted to handle this and that the elders are exerting some form of control by passing straight to the grand children.

I feel I got the brunt of their parsimonious ' stand on your own two feet' whilst it's ice creams all round for the grand kids.

She could leave you and your sister the money, and you could pass some of it on to your children via a Deed of Variation, @ArcanaQueen - that could avoid IHT.

To me an enormous issue would that fundamentally my DPs were saying they didn't trust me put the needs of my own DC first. There's no greater insult than that.

If my grandparents/parents were abusive I’d be refusing to be their executors or POA even if they were leaving me an inheritance…

I’m not surprised this has disappointed you.
Cons she doesn’t appear to have made much effort to establish a close relationship I’d be curious why she told you. Also, despite knowing this information don’t assume this will be what the Will says at the eventual time of her death, people can change things in a multitude of ways.

I fully sympathise with you. This is exactly what has just happened to me and it is hard to understand why. I did not have a bad relationship with my parents but was left nothing at all in the Will. I am now left to sort out the estate. Pay for probate and divide the assets between the grandkids. It is very time consuming as the grandkids are under 18. I have to apply for everything individually to be held in bare trust with HMRC and write all the letters plus the form filling half which needs to be witnessed. Mentally it has been hard to understand why and also I have needed space from the kids to not resent them inheriting it as now they are more wealthy than me. Hopefully they will use the money wisely in the future. There are no restrictions on how they can use the money.

My one piece of advice is ask your mum to set up a bank account for you and your sister that she pays monthly into it to pay for the inheritance tax or to take out a policy to cover it as I think that is what I found the hardest using all my savings to pay for the inheritance tax.

She sounds awful 😞

So in all scenarios, OP is to blame, eh?

F

To blame for what?

I’m saying the decision to be an executor and POA is entirely distinct from whether you get an inheritance from that person.

And if you don’t care enough for that person that you’d want to do these things (and I wouldn’t blame OP for that), then it shouldn’t be a big surprise that you’re not close enough to inherit directly from them.

OP is entitled to feel hurt by her mum’s decision, but she’s not entitled to change it or influence her mums decisions. She is entitled to decide what roles and responsibilities she takes on in life. If she chooses to take on responsibilities she doesn’t want, then yes I suppose she is to “blame”… but I wasn’t aware there was any blame to apportion.

She's continuing the abuse and trying to control you and the rest of the family. Pretend to not be bothered. Better for it to go to your children than for her to change the beneficiary to a donkey sanctuary (as much as I love donkeys). Work around it, don't bring it up, she might change her will six more times before she dies.

In what form would it come to the children? If still underage it's probably a bare trust, would you be the trustee? When underage it can be spent in their best interest. You could spend it on therapy, autism support, schooling, tutoring, clothes, food, housing. Consider whether your by then adult autistic child would need you to have a Lasting Power of Attorney.

Ha ha. Yes ours got £30 and I thought that was mean. PIL have over £1m. Never mind, its now going on the third year of care home fees.
They did contemplate leaving it straight to the GC with written stipulations for its use that included ‘ no travel, no motorbikes, no tattooos!’ I don’t think they ever saw it through. Weird ideas.

Walk away. Why should you sort anything out.

You seem to be reading things in OP's posts that aren't there. Nowhere has OP said she is either executor of her mother's will or the POA for her!

And nowhere has OP said she wants to change or influence her mum into changing her decision.

I said you seem to blame OP because you are ignoring the emotional abuse suffered by OP in her childhood and flipping the issue on to OP, for having the audacity to expect an inheritance from her parent.

I won't be inheriting a bean but even I can see how hurtful it must be to be leapfrogged for an inheritance from your own mum. It's a last slap in the face.

Of course you are entitled to feel hurt but it is her money so she can leave it to whomever she wishes. At least she is leaving it to family.

I'm not surprised you are hurt, OP. It's different where a child chooses to vary the will to leave things to GC, or where the child is already financially established so doesn't need the money.

I think abusive parents sometimes find it easier to be kind to their GCs than to their children- the parent-child relationship is just too much for them and they simply recreate whatever shit they had with their own parents, whereas the GP-GC relationship is easier so they are able to act with more kindness and judgement.

And if you don’t care enough for that person that you’d want to do these things (and I wouldn’t blame OP for that), then it shouldn’t be a big surprise that you’re not close enough to inherit directly from them.

If you have an emotionally abusive parent, you can't just CHOOSE not to care about them, it is often the opposite in fact, you are conditioned from a very young age to believe that the way they feel about you and the reason they don't love you like other parents love their children is because of some sort of failure on your part .. if you were just better behaved, or nicer to her, or more successful she would love you like other parents do, so you spend your life trying to do everything you can to get their love and approval.. they withhold in on purpose, to use it as a weapon against you.

So saying she is not 'close enough' to her mum is an absolute insult to any child of an emotionally abusive parent.

My mother is planning to leave everything to my sister’s kids. She doesn’t want it going to my sister’s unemployed addict husband. Sis is fine for money and he will get her huge professional level pension/death benefit if she goes before him anyway. The thing I find hurtful is that she is completely excluding my disabled son as “he doesn’t need the money, the government can take care of him.” She has also made sure her sister, who is very wealthy and unmarried, is doing the same. Absolutely disgusting. I think many in that generation (all in their 80’s) have an odd view of the world. My dad inherited a huge sum in his 60’s, retired and has been living on it for 20 years. Didn’t give me a single penny, I never asked. I am very independent and manage fine but I agree that these sort of attitudes are hurtful and borderline abusive.

I will apologise for my lazy wording here - that isn’t what I meant.

I would perhaps be better phrased that if you have a controlling and abusive parent such that it would be better for your mental health to not take on these activities, then it shouldn’t be surprising (although I accept might still be an emotional blow) that they continue the abuse and control into the Will so it lasts after their death.

My initial point still stands though - doing the POA and executor roles because you know an inheritance is coming won’t change all of the emotional responses and trauma you rightly set out.

It’s a bit crappy but at least you know. I’ll be amazed if my Mum doesn’t do this. I’m fully expecting that to happen.

I find it fascinating on MN that so many people feel that where someone leaves their money is anything to do with them.

I do hope in most of these cases that if the person gets wind of it, that they leave their money to a charity instead.

I agree that the having to pay the inheritance tax up front seems like the final straw. This needs changing and should only have to be paid for from the estate once it is settled.

I don’t want my DS to have the thick end of £1m when he’s a teenager. I think that’s far too much of a risk. Surely as his parent my view is relevant?

Of course people can bequeath their estate entirely as they choose (within the confines of the law - for example in Scotland where I live you can't entirely cut out your spouse or children). But when a will has been weaponised to deliberately cause family division it is not unreasonable for certain affected parties to be upset.

Those who have privileged from inheritance get such a bad reputation on MN, but we see that those that are denied it are aggrieved.

I really would not want to benefit from the money of someone that I did not have a good relationship with, for whatever reason. In fact
if I did not have a good relationship with someone, for whatever reason, I wouldn’t expect to inherit from them.

@ArcanaQueen says “She has been a very withholding, and at times emotionally abusive, mother through much of my life, and caused a lot of hurt, so I guess it's hard for me not to experience this latest decision as hurtful to my sister and I, though of course it's nice she wants to support our children.”

It is sad to say the OPs mums decision regarding her will is a continuation of the hurt and abuse she inflicted on her DC.

But as OP has done she does have the right to post on MN to express her pain.