AIBU to feel hurt that Mum is leaving everything to grandchildren?

[ArcanaQueen]

My mum is making a will and mentioned that she is going to leave everything to the grandchildren only, nothing to my sister and I. Her stated reason is inheritance tax. However, bequeathing everything to grandchildren doesn't mean less IHT will be due on her estate. It means that money that came from her doesn't then face tax on my estate and my sister's once we die. It is of course her right to decide and do as she wishes here, but on the emotional level AIBU to feel shocked and a bit abandoned? I am not wealthy, and nor is my sister, and when my father died (divorced from my mum) we were left nothing as he had faced bankruptcy due to mental health issues.

I think it is more usual to split money between children and grandchildren if people want to definitely include grandchildren? She has been a very withholding, and at times emotionally abusive, mother through much of my life, and caused a lot of hurt, so I guess it's hard for me not to experience this latest decision as hurtful to my sister and I, though of course it's nice she wants to support our children.

This is short-sighted and ignores most 'family contracts'.

Normally family want to help their descendants succeed and be comfortable so any extra wealth they've got at the end is passed down for this reason. Much extra wealth was only possible due to those people inheriting in turn (ie I inherited from my parents which helped me pay off my house, the savings on mortgage interest etc have contributed to my financial comfort, I will pass down to my children etc etc)

If the person at the bottom of the chain decides to leap-frog a generation, or disinherit and leave it all to a cat charity, it breaks the family contract.

Obviously there are many reasons why it doesn't work like this in a lot of cases, low income, care home fees etc etc. But when it doesn't work because somebody wants to be nasty people are entitled to recognise that. It's not being grabby, its hurtful and unfair.

It doesn’t really make sense from an IHT point of view as it’s unlikely you would just sit on the money unused until you die. Their IHT bill is unaffected by who it is left to unless it is a spouse when all bequests would be exempt. Leaving it to their children leaves flexibility for them to decide how to best use it for the grandchildren’s benefit rather than leaving it direct to grandchildren who are probably too young to be sure they will make best use of it. You and your siblings can make unlimited gifts to your children which are entirely tax free if you survive seven years after the gift. There are also a number of other ways of gifting without incurring IHT charges.

Either your parents are badly advised or they for some reason don’t feel sure you would use the money to benefit your children.

me too.
I do find it weird that people making wills do stuff because of inheritance tax because they will be dead.

Why? I'd rather do everything I can so my kids and charities of choice get the money rather than the government getting their hands on 40% of the relevant amounts!

IHT is becoming a purely middle class tax. The really wealthy can afford to find ways to avoid paying any at all and those without much don't fall into the bracket. Everything IHT is levied on has already been taxed as income. The threshold needs raising significantly as house prices rise.

I find it fascinating that someone can be so obtuse when it’s obvious this is more than about money or property.

Did you even read OP’s posts?

If your parents cut you out of their will to leave it to grandchildren or another sibling then make it quite clear you will not be caring for them when they get old and needy. You reap what you sew.

When a parent has disfavoured you for someone else it makes it easier to drop the rope without guilt.

I have posted about this before, so apologies for repeating. This really annoys me although I’ve not personally being affected by it. I have so many times see grandparents skip a generation or even two generations. This has several results:

First it creates great feelings of hurt in the grandparent’s own child/ren. This is entirely unnecessary and it’s like an actual rejection because that is your own parent.

Next, it can cause real hardship where either there are unexpected turns of events, that mean that grandparent’s child i.e. the one caught in the middle, is unexpectedly hard up and can’t provide a secure home for the grandchildren or other necessities. Or the one in the middle just doesn’t have enough to make ends meet and or to have any comfort for themselves. Why is it important that the grandchildren are comfy whilst their parents aren’t? You might assume that the one in the middle i.e. the child of the grandparents and the parent of the grandchildren, should be reasonably well off by the time the grandparent dies,but that really isn’t the case for the vast majority of us. One of the people who I know this happened to had rented a house all her life and had no security, despite working hard, but her mother still left everything to the grandchildren. Why? Because the grandparent just didn’t think and was being sentimental.

The other thing is that unless you’ve got so much money that it really doesn’t matter, you’re also saying that you don’t trust this parent to look after their own children and pass on what they have when the time comes. The people I know who’ve been passed over love their children beyond anything and would pass on all that they have. But in the meantime, they left scrimping and scraping because they’ve been overlooked.

And the bottom line really is that the grandparent has chosen to literally overlook their child/ren. I’ve seen with my own eyes how hurtful it is..

Quite agree. An abused child even as an adult will go to enormous lengths to try and maintain the relationship.

When did ordinary people become so obsessed with inheritance tax?

Nonsense. The executors and family need to know that a) there actually is a will, b) where to find it, c) what is expected of them as d) it is best to have things discussed beforehand to ensure that there are no nasty surprises.

Executors can also be from family and trusted friends. It doesn't have to be the solicitor, and it often isn't.

Best wait until someone dies before worrying about who’s got what.

Short of there needing to be an unequal split because of a disability, and by that I mean the children of the will maker, not grandchildren or great grandchildren, parents should pass on their estate equally to all their children.

Anything else means it has been weaponised. There is no justification for not doing things equally. It's unbelievable the number of people who post on MN with 'an inheritance one' because it's being dealt out unfairly.

There is nothing more heartbreaking than finding out you are not worthy of an equal share. Children aren't valued in financial terms, until a will is produced and then you're given a value. And, from bitter, bitter, experience, you don't get over being treated unfairly, because its there in black and white that you are, and have been, valued less.

Why does your mum think that your sister needs an inheritance but you don't? I assume that her parents didn't by-pass her and leave their estate to their grandchildren, so I'm not sure why she is doing this to you.Your DS is only five so will his share have to be put in a trust that you manage for him until he is 18?

It all seems unnecessarily complicated and unfair and a slap in the face for you.

I can see the hurt my DM has caused with doing this.

DB2 has always had the crappy end of the stick from birth. DParents never saw this. They only had eyes for golden child DB1. Now at the end of her life DM has crapped on DB2 just one last time. He doesnt visit DM (CH, dementia) and I dont blame him.

I personally think that is crazy. IHT is payable if the estate is large enough regardless of beneficiaries. Your children are young so will there be guardrails? Who will manage it and does she know the fees for managing trusts are high. My mum has just left her assets to be divided three ways between me, my sister and brother. Both my sister and I have kids and I have grandkids so will pass some over to them. I don’t blame you for feeling overlooked.

I actually suggested to my mum that she leave hers 50-50 to me and my son (both only children) and she said no, she was leaving it to me and I could leave mine to him in turn.

You say that but then it leaves a lot of hurt if you discover it on your parents’ death. I feel it’s better to be open so it’s not a shock.

I can totally understand your hurt and you have my sympathy. Your mum should be leaving it to you and your siblings.

I'm not surprised you feel hurt. My friend went through the same thing - she was of course happy for her kids but she was also deeply hurt.

This has already happened for me when my DM disinherited me and left to all to DC (a minor). As we had been NC for a few years before she died I wasn’t expecting anything and actually couldn’t care less, however I do understand that for many people this situation can be the final f@!k you from an unpleasant or abusive parent from beyond the grave.

The terms of DM’s will mean it will be held in trust until DC is a particular age but some can be used for the purposes of education so we have decided to send DC private for secondary, which given the mild SEN support needed which he would not have got at our local comp, I’m OK with the outcome.

I think the fuss is the point here - she gets to deliver the final blow and watch!

It's normal to discuss it, it's advised by solicitors.

Why don’t you suggest to her that she take some proper advice? The grandchildren will inherit from you in the end anyway so it is strange that she is doing this.

My MiL left everything shared between her grandchildren. She decided that as her children are middle aged adults with houses and jobs, her GC would need it more. One SiL wasn't particularly happy about it, but DH and his other sibling thought it was sensible.

My late parents left what would have been my inheritance to my son

but they told me and I was absolutely fine
they also put a clause in the will that 80 percent of it had to be used for a house deposit
😂 which my son did

it gave him a massive boost and straight into his forever home