AIBU to feel hurt that Mum is leaving everything to grandchildren?

[ArcanaQueen]

My mum is making a will and mentioned that she is going to leave everything to the grandchildren only, nothing to my sister and I. Her stated reason is inheritance tax. However, bequeathing everything to grandchildren doesn't mean less IHT will be due on her estate. It means that money that came from her doesn't then face tax on my estate and my sister's once we die. It is of course her right to decide and do as she wishes here, but on the emotional level AIBU to feel shocked and a bit abandoned? I am not wealthy, and nor is my sister, and when my father died (divorced from my mum) we were left nothing as he had faced bankruptcy due to mental health issues.

I think it is more usual to split money between children and grandchildren if people want to definitely include grandchildren? She has been a very withholding, and at times emotionally abusive, mother through much of my life, and caused a lot of hurt, so I guess it's hard for me not to experience this latest decision as hurtful to my sister and I, though of course it's nice she wants to support our children.

I’m sure the pp knows this, some people just have to kick people when they’re down. Bullies.

This is a final act of malice from your mother OP and with your difficult history of course YANBU to feel hurt. Not content with disinheriting you, she's made sure to tell you while she was still alive so that she can enjoy the fallout.

While not entirely disinheriting me, my mother did leave a massive chunk of her estate to her grandchildren and made sure to tell me it was because I was too reckless to be trusted to provide for my own children myself, despite me being careful with money my whole life.

The only control I had left over the situation was in how I reacted in front of my mother. Perhaps you could try what I did? I made sure to tell.my mother what a fabulous idea I thought it was, as it would enable the GC to take gap years, travel the globe etc etc, all things she thoroughly disapproved of. In private I was really upset, exactly as she had intended but I never gave her the satisfaction of knowing this. She too was a poor apology for a mother, who had made my childhood very unhappy.

She's dead now and missed by literally no one so I suppose she reaped what she sowed in the end.

The very reason my mother chose to discuss her will well before her death was specifically so she could enjoy the fallout.

I called her bluff and pretended I though all her choices were fabulous. Never seen anyone look so disappointed. I went home and cried but at least she didn't have the satisfaction of seeing that.

Can you look at it differently, that your mum had looked after your children for you (inheritance-wise) so that whatever you earn from now on is yours and you don’t have to save it to build a nest-egg for your DC? Obviously you’ll want to leave them something if you can, but if they’ve got fees and house deposit covered, then you can relax a bit.

Im normally pragmatic in the extreme about inheritance, always say it’s not about who loved who the most and that the best thing is to communicate before death. In your case, it sounds as though your mum is hoping to die as she lived: resentful of and angry with you, no generosity of heart or spirit. I think it would be difficult to conclude that this isn’t a little vindictive/mean. I’m sorry. We don’t get to choose our mothers.

I'm already in my early 50s and through various unfortunate circumstances don't have any pension to speak of.

The sooner I am able to relocate the sooner I can reduce my mortgage and start building up a pension/long term savings. Since my mum is 87 and we have no other family it's a difficult call to make.

If I stay where I am, with cost of living increases and a mortgage until I'm 67, I'm going to have limited opportunity to save despite having recently changed jobs (I have been working 45-55 hours a week for the last three years and I'm tired. New job is same money for normal hours but shift work and nights). I'm also currently trying to support DD through a lengthy degree/professional qualification process which will continue for another 2-3 years.

As it stands I am reliant on any inheritance to be able to retire. The original Will would have enabled me to pay off my mortgage, stash a significant sum for my retirement and help DD out. The 50/50 split means I can only do retirement fund or mortgage.

Factor in people living for longer (mum is a tough old bird which don't get me wrong is a great thing - she's amazing for her age!) potential care costs whittling down the estate further and I could be facing working into my seventies or a pretty grim retirement.

Granted I have a massive tendency to overthink things!

Garbage. That’s what cowards do, leave other people to deal with the consequences of their actions. It’s the ultimate middle finger, and makes me think ill of a person in death. I mean, it’s fine if it’s a bog standard will doing nothing unusual, or if amounts are small. But anything unusual - such as disinheriting your children entirely - needs to be discussed beforehand so that the people you leave behind can have answers to their questions. Saying things like “talking about my money when I’m still alive is distasteful” and “just causes a fuss” is hiding behind made-up social niceties to avoid facing awkward situations which you yourself have created with your will. It’s weak, cowardly, irresponsible and outright cruel in some cases.

she’s giving you one last emotionally abusive act as she leaves the world. IHT is not her issue when she’s gone, so it’s an excuse to get away with her cruelty. Horrid lady

I don't think this is necessarily true. My mil left all her assets to her grandchildren, and she was a very nice lady indeed. It was just badly thought out. For example, there was a chance that there would be more gc born who would not inherit anything. In fact, there has been one so far. Nothing to be done about it but it does seem very unfair. Leaving it to your actual children is obviously more sensible.

As she hasn’t been a good mum and has abused you, why do you have any contact with her or let her anywhere near your children? Cut her off and let her do whatever she wants with her money.

Thing is, while it’s nice to hope that the money will be spent on education, house deposits etc, once they gain control at 18 you will have no say in what they spend it on. My DH and his sister inherited a lot of money from their grandparents as children. While my DH was very sensible, invested, bought a house etc, his sister pissed it up the wall and had nothing to show for it by the time she was 30. Now basically lives off handouts from us and her parents.

Quite firm about what? Telling her not to leave money to her grandchildren? Since when was that your choice . . .?

The question is whether or not you relocate before your mum dies. It is a big sacrifice to stay in an expensive area, just to be near her to provide care, which in itself will add costs in the form of your time and energy, so you will be less able to work extra shifts.

The inheritance is not relevant to this question of relocating, because it comes after she has died (if it hasn't all gone on care home fees).
Don't rely on an inheritance in your own retirement planning.
Don't consider the inheritance to be 'payment' for staying nearby to care for her.

My kids do not know the contents of my will and although we are all very close they have enough respect not to ask me.

Don't rely on an inheritance in your own retirement planning.
Don't consider the inheritance to be 'payment' for staying nearby to care for her.

Exactly. I was all set to move this year but the finance/job logistics fell apart the week before I was due to go on the market.

Now I've got DD at home between degree and Masters and she's got so much stuff and won't be settled anywhere for another 2-3 years so relocating and downsizing seems somewhat foolhardy.

Current plan is to push it back until I'm 55 but how the new job and CoL pans out will have to factored in.

Problem is mum can be quite challenging and if I do move I can envisage regular calls necessitating me doing a 200 mile drive back...

I think it depends on how much a parent has helped while alive.

My dm was very straightforward. No help while she was alive, then estate split equally between 6 children.

I intend to pay off my ds’ student loan, and help with a house deposit if I can. Anything left after that will go to any grandchildren. My reasoning is I will have given ds a huge leg up already.

But there is always the unknown - I might need it all for care, so he would be foolish to rely on anything.

Just say “That’s nice” in a condescending tone every time. She’s trying to upset you as she’s always done. I’d personally would prefer to say shove it where the sun don’t shine.,

My DPs looked info doing this recently but were advised there were Inheritance Tax implications so it is coming equally to me and siblings instead.
I'm surprised OP's mum wasn't given the same advice - although maybe she was and decided to pass it to the grandchildren anyway.

It is her money so completely up to her who she leaves it to.

Don't consider the inheritance to be 'payment' for staying nearby to care for her.

This would be the nail in the coffin for me. OP’s mum being emotionally abusive and now disinheriting OP would mean I wouldn’t care for this mum. If OP’s mum asks for care, OP
should tell her she should use the inheritance for care fees.

At one level skipping a generation does save a fair chunk of IHT. Taking the skip a generation approach means that there's an IHT event every 50/60 years not every 25/30. But in my experience its only used in families where everyone is sufficiently affluent for it not to impact lifestyle but does preserve long term wealth. Whether that's good from a social mobility perspective is another question. That doesn't seem to be why is being used here though

For small estates, even if they are subject to IHT, its less helpful, and for famiilies where the intermediate generations haven't already benefitted from their grandparenst wills and they are not all affluent enough in their own right it's juts going to lead to conflict. If it's then used as a stick to wave over her head then I completely understand why the OP would feel feel hurt.

My dad was going to do this but my siblings and I told him he was being mean, which he was because he can't stand that his children are more successful than him. It was just another form of control but he did back down.

We're all in our 60's but it doesn't mean the money won't be useful and we will make sure our children get a share.

In another branch of the family it caused a shock that everything had been left to the grandchildren. Everything is now in the hands of a solicitor because the children were executors and have refused to have anything to do with it.

I totally understand your upset OP, parents who bypass their children are nearly always using it as a means of being spiteful.

My grandparents live in a council house and I’d be surprised if they have £5k between them. I’m still their POA and executor of their wills because I love them and want to help them - not because it comes with a payment.

And as others have said, I’d advise all my clients to discuss their will with the beneficiaries/close family when it’s made (unless there are specific reasons not to), as if you love these people then you don’t want them feeling hurt and confused at a time they are already grieving - give them chance to address you about your decisions.

No one is entitled to an inheritance, no one should expect one and it should be treated as a bonus if you do get a windfall. If you’re worried your children will blow it all when they get it, then start their financial education know so they know what they might do when a large inheritance lands - it takes the temptation away if they know they will spend £10k immediately on clothes and holiday and 50% of the balance will go into savings for a house deposit and the other 50% is for their pension/investing. My friend’s 8 year old chooses to invest half of his birthday money every year, she’s confident if he was ever handed £500k that he’d make the right decision as he understand the benefit of long term investing and not just wasting money.

Yes, I think the majority of my mum's estate if she died now, would be protected under the nil band rate and residence nil band rate, and inheritance tax would be due only on a small portion of her estate. If she lives for another 10+ years, as most of her older relatives have, it will be an even smaller portion that is subject to tax.

There are only positive inheritance tax implications so I’m not sure what advice your DP received or if what they proposed was anything like the OP’s situation.

Your post spectacularly misses the point. Presumably you love your grandparents because they were good to you.

OP's mum was emotionally abusive towards OP so disinheriting OP is more in the way of bad behaviour from OP's mum.

Your post comes over overly smug.

I would be upset by this. I’d like to think she’s telling you so you have the opportunity to speak up about your feelings on it or anything she may not have considered but reading your description of it I don’t think that’s the case.