AIBU to feel hurt that Mum is leaving everything to grandchildren?

[ArcanaQueen]

My mum is making a will and mentioned that she is going to leave everything to the grandchildren only, nothing to my sister and I. Her stated reason is inheritance tax. However, bequeathing everything to grandchildren doesn't mean less IHT will be due on her estate. It means that money that came from her doesn't then face tax on my estate and my sister's once we die. It is of course her right to decide and do as she wishes here, but on the emotional level AIBU to feel shocked and a bit abandoned? I am not wealthy, and nor is my sister, and when my father died (divorced from my mum) we were left nothing as he had faced bankruptcy due to mental health issues.

I think it is more usual to split money between children and grandchildren if people want to definitely include grandchildren? She has been a very withholding, and at times emotionally abusive, mother through much of my life, and caused a lot of hurt, so I guess it's hard for me not to experience this latest decision as hurtful to my sister and I, though of course it's nice she wants to support our children.

I think your last paragraph explains her motivations. It is very unusual to by-pass children straight to grandchildren only and also throws up issues if the number of grandchildren isn't even or changes. It's most justifiable if parents are very financially secure and would benefit little from inheritance and the grandchildren are at the life stage of settling into adult life, but that's not what you are describing. Generally adult children will use an inheritance to support the grandchildren who will benefit long term anyway.

What is she planning to do about executors and other legal processes such as power of attorney (when that arises)? Is she expecting her children to face those logistics without the benefit of inheritance at the end?

Does she have a very large estate in the first place? Even if she does, unless you leave everything to a spouse, over a certain threshold it will be subject to IHT based on the wealth of the person bequeathing it rather than the recipient.

Even if her reasoning made logical sense, you're not actually avoiding IHT; you'd just be kicking it down the road for the grandchildren (and their children), when they eventually die.

Don't become her Power of Attorney.

@ArcanaQueen she’s giving you one last emotionally abusive act as she leaves the world. IHT is not her issue when she’s gone, so it’s an excuse to get away with her cruelty. Horrid lady.

Sorry OP to hear that she’s doing this to you.

It will take time to get over, believe me I know, but as the years pass the hurt will lessen and you’ll just be left with knowing who she really is without hurting. As she’s told you in advance, rather than a surprise after she’s gone you can now wash your hands of her - the consequence of her cruel actions.

My perfectly lovely parents are thinking of doing the same. Their reasoning is I don't need it and it avoids two lots of inheritance tax if I then pass it on to DC.

And they're right it makes sense and I've never expected or wanted an inheritance, but despite all that there's still 'something' that makes be feel a bit upset about it, so I completely understand how you must be feeling with your history.

It's becoming more common to do this (or split between children and grandchildren) where people are living into their 80s and 90s and their children in their 50s and 60s are comfortably off and don't need the inheritance at that point in their lives but grandchildren in their 20s and 30s would benefit from the financial leg up.

But if you and your sister aren't comfortably off and she's been emotionally controlling and abusive it's entirely possible her motives aren't about "saving IHT" and are a continuation of that behaviour.
Is there even IHT to pay on her estate?

It is her choice entirely, all I can suggest for you to do is try to protect yourself (and your DC) from hurt by maintaining boundaries. She may start trying to manipulate your children by dangling promised inheritance over them.

Fantastic for your children, Op.

Help your children make wise use of any inheritance. It might help them launch into home ownership instead of spending money renting, never to see it again.

I would love to do this. Help my kids with education and house deposits, leave my business to my child who is in business with me and the rest to the grandchildren equally.

I know a couple of people that are doing this.

In one case I think it is totally just because ADS is a philanderer and has broken many women’s hearts. Thankfully there are no DC involved. He also is not nice to his DM and tells her off about squandering his inheritance.

DGC of his sibling will inherit, that parent is ok with it.

The other because they have in many ways given the DC their inheritance while alive, through first home deposit, supporting business start up and privately educating DGC.

Inheritance is a snakes nest of emotions. I have never inherited anything but have done well. If I outlive my DH, I will inherit the lot. This makes me quite anxious actually.

I am putting things in place to do the best thing possible because as we see, so often it can cause deep pain and divisions in families.

People! Stop discussing your Wills before you die.....Just causes a fuss. The only person who needs to know is your solicitor.

I disagree. I think if you're going to do anything "different" it's essential it's discussed beforehand, otherwise you leave all the hurt behind you for people to deal with without being able to talk about your reasoning.

Well intentioned wills can be a huge source of family friction lasting through generations.

Not your money, not your choice. You can feel however you like but you cannot dictate.

Totally agree with this. We don’t talk about our wills with any family members. One is my DSis is already snooping around.

Sometimes it is just this, the snooping around. Other times it is the testator weaponising.

I can sympathise with the feelings as my DM has done this.

One small positive is that as her estate dwindles by being eaten up by CH fees I dont really care that much. DCs (all adults) dont know they are the beneficiaries so wont miss it.

Most solicitors advise to discuss any Will you make with kids so they understand fully your reasoning and are better able to be executors and know where your Will is kept etc.

Very much this.

I would be upset by this even though I gave my whole inheritance to my DC.

Not discussing doesn't make the upset any less - just means that it happens after your dead.

My dad sat my brother and I down and discussed his will and his wishes (though no amounts) along with his wife (my mom died when we were teens). No fuss but good to know his wishes (things like what he'd like done with his body and his thoughts on his funeral (i.e. keep the obit short and sweet, he's dead and doesn't need a new job, so don't make it read like a cover letter and resume ;)).

I would not do that to my son . But I have a good relationship with him and I think that makes a difference .

My DSis passed away sadly. She spoke to no one about her will. Her DH lost out because she put everything in a trust for her DS. DH got the house. Theirs wasn’t a happy marriage. He couldn’t even find out what her estate was worth.

As for the rest of the family, DSis worked hard, saved, invested and we didn’t give it a second thought. Hers to do whatever she wanted.

Nowhere has OP she should be able to dictate. Her AIBU is 'AIBU to feel hurt' not 'AIBU to dictate.'

I agree.

Not only has my DM bypassed DCs to leave her estate to DGCs she has done it in a stupid and complicated way which we, her DCs will have to sort out as executors and trustees (yes, god help us, there's a trust).

I do suspect that DM's will was one of the early signs of dementia.

See above.

I can understand why you're upset.

My mum has done something similar and changed her will to split her estate 50/50 between me and my daughter (both only children).

It's great that DD will have a chunk of money at some point to pay off uni debt or put down a deposit on a house, although I would have given her a chunk to help with that anyway if I'd inherited the whole estate.

What it does mean is that I'm unlikely to be able to retire until I'm in my late sixties, if then, unless I relocate somewhere cheaper - but if I do that, my mum has no-one should she need more help at some point.

It's really hard not to feel resentful and somewhat trapped as a result tbh. I just keep reminding myself that there are no guarantees with inheritance anyway and if I have to make the right choices for myself and my future at some stage, then the cards will have to fall where they may.

Why do people post this type of disingenuous nonsense?

You would love to do 'this' then go on to describe something totally different from what OP's mother is doing. She hasn't helped with her kids' education or house deposits (as far as we know), she doesn't jointly own a business with them that they will inherit. They will inherit nothing following a difficult relationship with their mother and this feels like a final act of spite. So nothing whatsoever like your circumstances.

And OP will have no control over what her dc do with the money and won't necessarily be able to 'help' them be 'wise' with it. If they piss it up the wall it will be even more of a bitter pill to swallow.

Sorry, OP - I would be hurt too. I know it doesn't make up for how you feel, but at least the money is going to your dc and that might take a bit of pressure off you in terms of feeling you have to try and help them financially later. My ex-mil is wealthy and leaving a relatively small proportion to her dc (ex and his dsis) and the vast majority of her wealth to her elderly partner. Nothing whatsoever to my dc who she apparently adores. I do judge.

It’s fine to feel upset, as long as you accept it’s her money to do what she likes with.

You mention abuse. Maybe distance yourself from her as she doesn’t sound great, and based on the relationship, you can’t be that shocked that she would do this.

My mum has chosen to do this but in her case it’s because she wants to ensure the money stays within our family. My brother has a wife and step children as well as biological children so my mum is leaving everything to her biological GC. It’s great for my children and nieces and nephews so I don’t feel hurt. As older adults, we have had a chance to earn more and sort our lives out in an easier time. Things are harder for this generation so it will be great for them to have the inheritance. Maybe just try to reframe it as good for your kids so you can feel more positive about it.