AIBU to feel hurt that Mum is leaving everything to grandchildren?

[ArcanaQueen]

My mum is making a will and mentioned that she is going to leave everything to the grandchildren only, nothing to my sister and I. Her stated reason is inheritance tax. However, bequeathing everything to grandchildren doesn't mean less IHT will be due on her estate. It means that money that came from her doesn't then face tax on my estate and my sister's once we die. It is of course her right to decide and do as she wishes here, but on the emotional level AIBU to feel shocked and a bit abandoned? I am not wealthy, and nor is my sister, and when my father died (divorced from my mum) we were left nothing as he had faced bankruptcy due to mental health issues.

I think it is more usual to split money between children and grandchildren if people want to definitely include grandchildren? She has been a very withholding, and at times emotionally abusive, mother through much of my life, and caused a lot of hurt, so I guess it's hard for me not to experience this latest decision as hurtful to my sister and I, though of course it's nice she wants to support our children.

Yes, my mother hasn't given me any financial support at all during my lifetime. I am grateful my DC can inherit, but I think I feel hurt it's not split between us all (my sister and I, and our kids). Sadly my children's father died (we had already split up) and they do have university fees and university living costs covered for the future (they are only age 8 and 11 now) plus house deposits which came from their father's pension when he passed away. I haven't worked as much as I used to because DS is autistic and both children have been traumatised by the death and have needed a lot of support. My mother has not supported them at all -- we've hardly seen her, sadly, despite me trying to invite her over, or make plans to visit her etc. So, lots of feelings, but I'm certainly not looking to dictate, and I respect the choice as hers to make.

This fills me with fear. It’s exactly the sort of thing I worry my mum will do. I don’t need or want her money. Nor do my children. I’m NC with her, but between them, she and my stepdad are NC with all their children. 🙄 So there are no children in her life to leave anything to. Only 1 of our collective 5 grandchildren even has met them. Anyway, my point is none of these are close loving relationships.

But it fills me with fear to think that my children could possibly be lumped with the responsibility of a very large inheritance (we are talking probably £500k each) as teens or young adults. They are sensible, but it’s too much money for a young person to get their heads around. I don’t want it to change the trajectory of their lives. Dh and I are financially comfortable. None of us need an inheritance and frankly I don’t want it, but if it came to us, we could buy the dc properties to live in during uni as an investment and help get them set up in life without the burden resting on their shoulders.

Perhaps different if your dc are in their 30s with young families, but if they are teens, nope, I wouldn’t want it and I’d be quite firm about that, inheritance tax or not.

Based on what you have said, your thinking seems a bit muddled.

If DM splits the will between you and your DD, you won't be able to retire unless you relocate.
But you won't inherit and relocate until after DM is gone, so helping her in her old age is not relevant.
Do you mean you would relocate before DM dies? Why? If the move would help you retire earlier, then it won't make a difference to your retirement plans if the estate is split 50/50 - you will have already relocated and retired by then.

I’d be quite happy for my parents to give inheritance to my children rather than me - I can’t afford things like uni fees house deposits or wedding money so in a way it is benefitting me as I wouldn’t have to try and save what little money (I don’t have) to put towards those things

I’d also much rather the money go to them when they are of an age that they can enjoy it. By the time my parents pass I’ll hopefully be nearing 60 - what use it then? Not going to lie I wish they’d used their yearly allowances to make gifts now so I could take the kids away on holidays when they are little or not think twice about booking something like the polar express but I know if the car or boiler broke they’d give me the money in a heartbeat

Do you own your own house? Do the grandchildren own their own houses?
If the answer is Yes and No, granny has a point.

I am in the same position OP, and it does really hurt. I think that's okay, and you have to sit with that and process it. It makes me quite bitter because my parent had a lovely retirement because of their own inheritance, but I won't get that.

ANYWAY, there's nothing you can do about it. Just be happy for your DC!

My mum was going to leave her house to me and my 4 children (I'm an only child) but her solicitor talked her out of it. My youngest is only 7 so we could be left with a house that we can't sell until he is 18 but still needs to be maintained. She's now just leaving it to me.

Would a similar argument dissuade your mum?

If you think that's bad op, you wouldn't want to be in me and my sisters' shoes.
My mum and dad bought my brother a house about 15 years ago as my mum didnt want him renting anymore. She has decided that she will leave everything to him as he has always struggled with life but me and my sisters don't need anything as we are doing OK.
Its not my fault db hasn't worked a day in his life!

I agree with this.

But you can vary a will, so why not give the option?

Depends how old everyone is I think - if kids are 50 plus and grandchildren young adults it makes sense to leave to grandchildren, you need money when you are young and it’d make a big difference to them.
it does make sense from IHT reasons too - hopefully grandchildren outlive their parents therefore saving paying it for one generation assuming the sums are big enough.

Well yes but clearly given the mother’s previous behaviour, she is doing exactly the opposite so she can “enjoy” sticking the knife in to her children while she is still alive and there to watch them squirm knowing they can’t say anything because on the face of it, their children will benefit, but the reality being very painful to accept.
What a disgraceful woman she is.

She has done this likely knowing that you would very much benefit from the inheritance, so it isn't a situation where adult children are secure and you go state to GC, which is a perfectly sensible idea but only in the right circumstances!

Presumably your DM own parents will didn't skip her and go straight to you (if there was anything to inherit) so she is just making it so that you and your sister do not benefit from an inheritance ever.

Of course nobody has a right to an inheritance, but when one exists, to freeze your own children out intentionally is a spiteful act.

This.

Plus Yanbu.

some people do leave to grandchildren but in this case, I personally think it’s more standard to leave to children and grandchildren, if you do want to include grandchildren in the mix.

I agree, even in their 20s it might mean they haven’t got the motivation to succeed.

I hate this bypassing generations. And I don’t really understand how it avoids tax because you pay it on the estate don’t you, so it doesn’t matter who inherits it?

I feel for you OP. It sounds like you’ve had a hard time keeping everything together and it might have been lovely for you and your brother to have a bit of an easier time. It does sound like your mum is a manipulator and they love to use money to wind people up.

DH is 58 and his Mum is still with us, we really don’t need the money so if she left his share to DS it would be fine. However SIL has been dire with her money and has no proper pension provision so she would be peeved plus she has no children.

@notacooldad thats what’s happened with my Mothers and DH Fathers wills. My Mother left everything to the one sister out of six of us and DH Father left everything to SIL. No disabilities for either, just crap decisions and crap with money. It’s like they were rewarded for being shit at life. My Father didn’t have a lot of money as it had gone on care and no will it was decided by my half siblings to give the 12k to my DS as he was the only grandchild to not have been through education, he is 20 years younger than almost all of his cousins.

I’m surprised you expected anything different from her tbh.

I would react as if you were really happy with her decision and in total agreement. That will piss her off.

YANBU I would be very upset too. It's like your comfort and possible help doesn't matter.

I think it is wrong to by-pass children and leave everything to grandchildren. It is what it is though and at least you needn’t feel guilty when your Mum gets older and might expect you to take care of her. I wouldn’t put anything into the relationship with her and let it drift.

I feel for you because I have prepared myself for this. My mother has been a very cruel, abusive mother and I've been NC for several years now. I knew even when I was a child that I couldn't rely on any help from her in any way. I do not need or want the money, but it still hurts as it's not so much about the money but the final insult. I hope you can move on from this eventually OP, be kind to yourself in the meantime.

I’m in a similar position. DH in his early 50’s and I’m late 40’s. We have a 5 year old DS.

I have 1 sibling and DM has no other grandchildren. DM has amended her will to be split half to sibling and the other half to my DS. She states this is because we don’t need it. We both work and have a reasonable sized mortgage. We are not wealthy.

DM is elderly so we could easily end up in a situation where we are 60+ and still having to work to fund the mortgage while our then teenage DS has a pot of cash of around £750k.

I’ve told her how this will upset the dynamic of our family but she just won’t listen and genuinely thinks she doing what’s right. It’s not as if there are any stepchildren or children from previous marriages who she’s trying to protect from getting access to the money. We’ve been together since we were teenagers.

Given that you say she has been emotionally abusive throughout your life I would not want anything from her. I understand you being upset but she sounds a spiteful woman who has done this deliberately to upset you. Hold your head high and, as pp said, act like you think she has made a wonderful decision to pass inheritance straight to grandchildren.

This!
That’s very hurtful and manipulative.

My DM lived to a very good age (mid ‘90’s) but I had helped her for the 30+ years since my DF died. We moved close to her as she didn’t drive, took her shopping, to all appointments, walked her dogs etc. My 2 older siblings did none of this but lived their lives without the worry and stress which this sometimes caused, especially in her final years when she had cancer and needed round the clock care. I had reduced my work hours, then took early retirement to do this which obviously impacted me financially. She then made her will out to leave the bulk of it to her 5 adult DGC (2 of which are mine) and to some extent I could understand her reasoning, we, her DC are all pensionable age and own our own homes whilst the DC have mortgages and young children. What really hurt though was that the remainder of the estate was split equally between her 3 DC, even though I had provided all the care. In fact, one DC hadn’t even seen her in 8 years, the other only visited twice a year. I was also left as sole executor so had that to deal with too. I just had to accept this as her choice but it was hard

Just expect nothing from her.

my father was abusive growing up, I was very low contact, we tried to make sporadic efforts, and we had him come visit. All making nice and we’d planned a lovely day for them. Made a huge effort. And As we were travelling with my child to some attraction he suddenly looked at me, and said I’m leaving you nothing in the will, it’s all going to my girlfriend, like suddenly out the blue. With no lead uo-. We all just stared at him. His girlfriend aas looking at me like I might kick off. Waiting to see my reaction.

i am successful in my own right, and financially comfortable, I neither want or need his money. Of which he I assume had little, he lived in a council house and didn’t work. Although I think he had a minor lottery win. I just said that’s fine I don’t want your money. Totally and utterly bemused. He just nodded.

but to this day I can’t get my head round suddenly annoucing it like that. Just why.

im now no contact, not for that reason. But shitty people make shitty parents, and you need to expect nothing from them,