Partner maybe having mental break down ?

[strugglingtbh]

I don’t know what to do.
my partner is 49, he works full time Monday - Friday
he leaves for work at 6.30am and is home around 3.30pm
i have older children from previous relationship & we have a 2 year old together. I’m stay at home mum. Will be going back to work next year. we’re ok for money. Not rich but fine.

I keep the house nice, look after all children, school runs, days out I do all the cooking the food shopping. All the mum / house wife duties. He always comes home to his dinner ready, clean home, the kids are all good & very chill. I’m moving towards him he’s not neglected at all.

weekends we do family things, his mum visits, go out for dinner, we put things up round the house just normal family weekends. Date nights are little because we have a young family.

for a few months he’s moaned about everything. He’s called me some awful things. Loser, fat, crap mum, I need to better my life, called me horrible things in the bedroom.
he doesn’t sleep, he’s up & down all night long pacing the house. Tonight I went to him and he was looking out the window crying? I cuddled him, spoke to him, asked questions, he quickly snapped and stormed off and told me to make it into something it’s not?? All I did was care.
he says he gets no time to himself & there’s always something that needs doing like mowing the grass!???

I said that’s a normal homely job this is not normal that’s when he flipped.
if he hears a slight noise outside or neighbours he’s up and flips. He shouted out the window to neighbours the other night to shut the F up. I’m embarrassed.
if our 18 month old wakes up he’s annoyed. Everything annoys him. I’m so low. This is only a few things mentioned. I’m his emotional punch bag.
he’s started smoking weed which I don’t think is helping. But if I mention that he flips. He use to smoke it years ago. Gave up for ages now back on it.
he tells me I don’t love him or fancy him???? He has no reason behind this I can promise you. He refuses to see a GP.
he often texts me abuse when he’s at work & it ruins my day. I’m riddled with anxiety because of him.
ive told him nobody’s stopping you going out & doing as you please. I’ve even told him if family life is too much for you go live your life ill raise I’ll son. I’ve given him every option.
he’s really not mentally all there. Road rage, snappy, low.
he said he feels like he’s drowning.
what do I do :(

Based on my experience of my ex, could he be taking cocaine? The not sleeping, being abusive (my ex was horrendous on a comedown) using weed to help with sleep, anger and emotions being all over the place. My ex hid it for YEARS and as I’ve never done drugs I didn’t recognise the signs.

Even if not he’s abusive and you deserve far better. But I know leaving isn’t always easy.

Well if he really is in a crisis he needs help, could you speak to his mum to get her on your side?
I would have one last conversation about getting help and then if he refuses, I’d leave.

If he’s got a weed addiction, you’ve got a huge problem on your hands.

To be really blunt it can really fuck some people up mentally when they become reliant on it.

This includes paranoia and very very black ugly moods and can lead psychosis (it causes psychosis in 12% of users).

If he’s not sleeping as well, he’s a ticking time bomb, and psychosis could potentially be triggered sooner rather than later.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, but you need to think about leaving him, because it’s doubtful he will want to give it up. I might be wrong, but it sounds like he’s in it very deep.

This was not my experience when my DH had a breakdown, like you I supported the home whilst he worked, arriving in the office at 7am leaving at 3.45pm to come home where I would prepare tea etc.

My DH had a breakdown, he never relied on drugs, he maintained respect for me, he immediately sought counselling. Our marriage survived but only because he took responsibility and I now work full-time.

I am sorry to say, in your situation I would be checking out. You need to get back into employment and start protecting yourself and your children because nothing you have said suggests he is happy and how he is going to change this.

What a very ordinary and weak man. You do sound as though you think that you and the children can just be ‘good’ and win him back. He is telling you he hates you and his life. He was too old to have a baby at 47 and he hasn’t coped with the responsibility.

This forum is full of women analysing their men and wondering what they can do to fix them. You can’t. You chose badly. Not your fault or responsibility. He’s not going to get any better when you return to work and he has to step up even a tiny bit. May as well be on your own. This is not fair on any of the children.

This was my thought. This sounds very familiar and the exact same behaviour of a man I know who was having an affair. Even the age of the youngest kid is the same. The woman in the couple now wishes she’d thrown him out ages before, instead of making herself ill, trying to help him with his fake ‘mental health crisis’ whilst also being the only person looking after the house, kids etc.

Yes. The ‘not being able to cope’ thing happened with a couple I know. Woman bent over backwards trying to make his life easy so he could cope. He was having an affair.

I think something has happened in his life and he is stressed.
I noticed the same sort of thing,a few years ago, my DP was a little older and we have no children and I worked freelance.
After lots of digging and talking to his work friends,I finally discovered he was on a final warning at work for inappropriate internet use- doing surveys instead of working sort of thing (not porn) .
When it was sorted out he returned to normal- we had been together 30 years, but somehow he could not bring himself to tell me-go figure.
Get to the bottom of it, I was lucky my DP did'nt have a heart attack from the stress .

You sound like you’ve described my DH except the weed. Has slowly designated all cleaning and childcare to me and complains about the house and when he has to tidy up once a month he thinks that’s it for 6months and doesn’t get you need to tidy every day!

Some of it is depression and long covid, it seems to have given him a complete personality transplant! I’m the main earner too, waiting until school age for the little to be sure I can leave and manage

Honestly, OP, I would get the hell out of there - or tell him to get out if it's your place. And there's absolutely no way in hell I'd agree to 50:50, either.

I agree with a couple of pps, I'm not convinced it is 'just' weed and I also think there is someone else involved.

You need to leave, OP. Or he does. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed because they don't think they need to be.

It can make people angry, irritable and unreasonable. We do not know if he is depressed though or what is going on. Not enough information.

I’ve asked him if he’s having an affair. He laughs it off and says “I don’t even like people” if I ask what’s wrong he tells me not to make it all about him??
he says I’m “lucky” to be a stay home mum because I can do what I want and he’s at work??? Honestly I feel he’s living in dilusion. I understand everyone gets stressed & bogged down in life sometimes but if I’m honest he doesn’t have a stressful life. ?? I’m honestly lost & baffled. Everyday I’m waking up feeling sick with a pit in my stomach it’s horrible !!! If he’s having an affair I don’t know when this would be happening as he doesn’t go out? HOWEVER……… he mentioned yesterday he might start working away and joked he could then have a break from me. I told him to go for it.
maybe he’s testing the waters. Omg

It is possible for someone to have a breakdown and need support and NOT EVER text their partner abuse, abuse them to their faces, call you fat......you get the picture.

Mental health breakdown is not an excuse for treating you like this. Treating you like this is a choice.

Look after yourself and your children. X

It doesn't actually matter if his abuse is linked to a mental breakdown, you still don't have to accept it.

Ask him to leave. Is the house jointly owned? You need legal advice about gaining the right to stay out with your dc I'd say. If he threatens you, inform the police, ask them to remove him.

You can contact his GP yourself to tell them your worries about his mental health. If you are imminently concerned about his wellbeing at any point you can contact the police and ask for a welfare check.

But it's honestly hard to say if his arsehole behaviour is linked to mental health issues, his drug use or because he wants to opt out of his responsibility to his family.

Either way, it sounds like you'd be better off alone.

I'm not sure that many men who WERE having an affair would reply to an accusation with 'yeah, you're right, you got me.' Aren't they pretty much always going to lie?

But regardless - it doesn't really matter whether it's an affair, a breakdown, just being a shitty person. He is treating you badly and that has to stop, and if that's by him moving out and you separating as a couple, then that's what has to happen.

This is domestic abuse. I would contact women’s aid for supporty with filing for divorce.
there is no way I would allow a drug user in my home with my children.

@strugglingtbh I would not feel safe being around someone like this. He needs to either seek psychiatric help or move out.

His behaviour is abusive, I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Regardless of the cause, you shouldn't have to live like this. Any chance you could go away with the kids for a few days to visit friends or family, and get some time to yourself to think things through? Please do reach out to your support network and let them know what is going on

He feels like he's drowning? He's going to drag you and your DC down with him if you let him.

With what you've mentioned, and I presume there is more, I would absolutely look at getting yourself and your DC under a separate roof. There are lots of things that could be going on, but it sounds like zero of them are your fault, or your responsibility. The responsibility lies with him, and it doesn't sound like he is capable of being in a relationship as it stands.

TW: substance misuse, addiction, suicide, domestic abuse

Oh gosh, I feel for you. My ex/daughter's dad developed psychosis including paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, and extremely dangerous behaviour as a result of becoming addicted to crack cocaine (it started as a coke addiction) during lockdown.

I tried to seek help for him, but was unsuccessful. He tried to kill himself twice, the first time was almost successful but someone found him. He was discharged from hospital within 24hrs, back to me and our 3 year old, despite me begging the staff to section him as he was psychotic. They came round once and told him to contact some MH charity organisations by phone - which I knew he was in no state to do, and left us to it.

You really need professional support with this. A domestic abuse organisation is a good start as are the organisation called AdFam - https://adfam.org.uk/

You cannot help the person if they don't want to be helped or if they refuse to admit they have a problem. You have to save yourself and your children.

Sounds to me like he's bored with his life and is taking it out on you - like a mid life crisis.

I'd tell him you're fed up with the way he is and you want a 6 month Separation so you can each decide if this marriage is worth keeping or to end it.

Ask him to move out so you can both really make up your minds. Could he go.back to his parents?

I wouldn't put up with that sort of abuse. Tell him that if he's that unhappy with you, you need to separate. Get some legal advice and plan your next steps. You don't have to live like this. I would also start looking for a job, you don't have to be financially dependent on this arsehole!

By staying, you are exposing your DC to this behaviour and that simply has to stop. He's smoking weed, making himself incredibly paranoid by the sound of it, and there's only one way this will go - downhill. You need an exit plan and fast.

Don't allow yourself to be abused just because he's financially supporting you.

Have you talked to his mum about it? Show her the texts and tell her you are worried things are escalating.