Partner maybe having mental break down ?

[strugglingtbh]

I don’t know what to do.
my partner is 49, he works full time Monday - Friday
he leaves for work at 6.30am and is home around 3.30pm
i have older children from previous relationship & we have a 2 year old together. I’m stay at home mum. Will be going back to work next year. we’re ok for money. Not rich but fine.

I keep the house nice, look after all children, school runs, days out I do all the cooking the food shopping. All the mum / house wife duties. He always comes home to his dinner ready, clean home, the kids are all good & very chill. I’m moving towards him he’s not neglected at all.

weekends we do family things, his mum visits, go out for dinner, we put things up round the house just normal family weekends. Date nights are little because we have a young family.

for a few months he’s moaned about everything. He’s called me some awful things. Loser, fat, crap mum, I need to better my life, called me horrible things in the bedroom.
he doesn’t sleep, he’s up & down all night long pacing the house. Tonight I went to him and he was looking out the window crying? I cuddled him, spoke to him, asked questions, he quickly snapped and stormed off and told me to make it into something it’s not?? All I did was care.
he says he gets no time to himself & there’s always something that needs doing like mowing the grass!???

I said that’s a normal homely job this is not normal that’s when he flipped.
if he hears a slight noise outside or neighbours he’s up and flips. He shouted out the window to neighbours the other night to shut the F up. I’m embarrassed.
if our 18 month old wakes up he’s annoyed. Everything annoys him. I’m so low. This is only a few things mentioned. I’m his emotional punch bag.
he’s started smoking weed which I don’t think is helping. But if I mention that he flips. He use to smoke it years ago. Gave up for ages now back on it.
he tells me I don’t love him or fancy him???? He has no reason behind this I can promise you. He refuses to see a GP.
he often texts me abuse when he’s at work & it ruins my day. I’m riddled with anxiety because of him.
ive told him nobody’s stopping you going out & doing as you please. I’ve even told him if family life is too much for you go live your life ill raise I’ll son. I’ve given him every option.
he’s really not mentally all there. Road rage, snappy, low.
he said he feels like he’s drowning.
what do I do :(

I’d also say he is having an affair.

Regardless he is not a good man. Escape if you can.

Whatever's going on with him is aimed at you forcing the issue and chucking him out so that he can play the victim.

You've told him he doesn't have to stay but that still makes the decision his which isn't what he wants.

He may be on the verge of a breakdown. Or he may be a twat. Either way, you are the parent of 3 kids (including a 2 year old) and you need to put them first.

His behaviour towards you isn't acceptable. Can you get some counselling together to establish that boundary? That you understand he isn't happy and want to support him but he can't take his unhappiness out on you. If he does then you have no choice but to separate for your and the kids' sake.
You can continue to try and encourage and support him to get the help he needs. But you can't "fix" him if he isn't willing or able to take steps himself and if he's taking his unhappiness or illness out on you.

How long have you been together?
How old are you?
Did he really want to start a family with you at 47yrs old?
Did you pressure him into it?
What is the financial setup of your relationship?

None of the above excuses his shit behaviour but it might give a clue as to where his anger and issues are coming from. I am not much older than him and i would rather stick needles in my eyes than start with young children again.

Tell him not to come back. Be ready to call the police if he turns up.

Call Women's Aid, your local domestic abuse organisation (Google it), or The National Domestic Abuse Helpline for advice on how to stay safe and some support.

OP you're doing the classic woman thing of trying to work out why this is happening, trying to improve things by getting him to go to the doctors, asking questions, trying to cheer him up etc. Rather than realising it's not your problem to solve, and that your responsibility is towards your kids and yourself, to protect yourselves from abusive behaviour. It's for him and his medical team / therapists to figure out why and put steps in place to help. You do need to protect yourself and your kids as a priority, he sounds extremely angry and it sounds like the weed is causing him to spiral, please get him to leave

You don’t have to put up with this shit. If he is having a breakdown he needs to seek help and stop smoking weed. Not drag you down with it.

His behaviour is abusive. It’s negatively affecting you and your child. Leave and stop making excuses.

He’s not having a mental breakdown. He’s a jerk and is abusing substances. I didn’t even get to the cannabis bit, but I could tell this was going to be a drug and/or alcohol problem. I would bet he’s drinking too. But yes, could also be caused entirely by the cannabis. He needs to quit and sort his behaviour out or he needs to go. This is no life for your children with an explosive addict.

He needs to leave and luckily, he has somewhere to go. So off he goes.

Please, please, please @strugglingtbh tell him not to come back to your house. He is abusing you. He might be ill but it's not your fault and it definitely doesn't give him a pass to be abusive.

Please try to find your anger, how dare he speak to you like this and blame you for his inadequacies. Tell him he doesn't not get to speak to you that way, that you and the kids don't feel safe so he should go back to his. If you want you can say you love him (I wouldn't) and he needs to get help then he can speak to you. Expect the abuse to ramp up and please tell people around you and call the police if need be.

Leave.
In this scenario you dont do everything for joint child it sounds like he never has chance to be a dad anyway. If you did and do everything and he just mows lawns!
But is beyond that now
He might be unwell but if he wont see gp you need to get out and away

Whatever the reason for his behaviour, it means he has to move back to his house (even if it’s temporarily) so you can protect yourself and your kids from his abuse. The kids will know when you’re upset, you can only shield them so much and that’s not fair.

Affair.

If he has the capacity to continue working without abusing his colleagues, customers etc then he is making a choice to abuse you. Now it’s your turn to make a choice about how you will allow yourself to be treated and what you allow your children to see and hear. I’d tell him he needs to leave the home and seek treatment.

This is no way to live. You don’t need to accept his abuse because he’s not coping. You deserve better. You own the house, he has his own. There’s your solution. Good luck OP xx

This is so true. This type of ‘mental breakdown’ only seems to affect their wife and kids. They can behave fine with everyone else. Clue: he’s not having a breakdown.

Agree with the PP who says he’s trying to force your hand to end things so he can be the victim and save face (over what I think is an affair). As others have said, try to summon your anger.

He may not smoke it around them but for some vulnerable people it causes brain changes and aberrant behaviour. Everyone responds differently and it sounds as though it is definitely not right for him.

You mention his Mum? Does she have any idea?

The relationship (tbh) sounds over, so you have nothing to lose by talking to her, telling her you are concerned about his mental health? It may well backfire though - she is his mum not yours - but maybe worth a chat depending on your relationship with her.

Either way, I would suggest to him a "break" to get him out the house, with a view to him never returning (unless perhaps there is a dramatic change, but that's your decision not his!).

Why are you being such a doormat? Playing housewife and mother to a loser who calls you abusive names, sends you abusive messages and riddles you with anxiety? Don’t let your child grow up thinking this kind of relationship is normal - be the inspiration your child needs and leave this utter loser.

Weed is not the harmless drug that many people think it is and can cause very serious mental health issues in some people.

He needs to leave immediately. It is unsafe for him to remain around you and your children and they certainly should not be exposed to the behavior of this man. Kick him out, change the locks.

Why aren't you throwing him out?

Send him a text NOW that says, 'This relationship is over. Do not come home tonight, the door will be locked and if you present yourself on my doorstep I will phone the police. This is my house and I will not tolerate your abuse any longer. When you can bring yourself to be civil to me then you can arrange to collect your possessions.'

Do not answer any other texts at all. And follow through with what you have text him.

Is the behaviour new or has he always been like this?

That escalated quickly.

Just leave.

I was already thinking it could be drug related before I got go the bit about weed. Pacing all night, up and down mood, changed behaviour. I was thinking more along the lines of class A drugs, which it could still be.
Leave. It's self-induced, even if it wasn't you and your DC shouldn't have to put up with living with someone like that. Nothing you do will ever be enough for him, you're destroying yourself to try and please him and it's not benefiting anyone. These people only change when they're ready, there's nothing you can do so focus on improving your own life and your DCs lives.