AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

Why do you so obviously want this to be the case? When it's obviously not?

I think you are a real piece of work @Greeneham. Have a good long hard look at yourself and your morals.

With the sort of man that cheats, he no longer does it because there's too much to lose or he's become unattractive.

How any woman could trust a man they know has cheated in the past is beyond me.

Such men don't give a shit who they end up with as long as their life is easy.

They have no integrity and any woman who thinks she's special for 'taming him' is a fool.
He's too shit scared to cheat or lost his looks.

Frequently see this ageing couple who had an affair (he left his wife as she wouldn't forgive the affair) out in the pub.

She's still watching him like a hawk.
I can't say hello to this guy without feeling her eyes bore into me.

He's 75 and not in a silver fox way.
A slimy old fart.

She can't relax, though. It's pathetic. She is always on her guard.

I think you have no idea of the destruction you caused. You kept mentioning your ex. Yes you cheated on him but not with a friend of his.
Most of us when cheated on relied heavily on our friends to drag us through it.
Just think about that

Bollocks men and women cheat for all sorts of reasons unhappiness wrong partner idiocy selfishness there's no one size fits all. The once a cheater always a cheater trope is only trotted out by idiots incapable of self reflection

What do you mean?

The point is it’s still in her present however much you say it’s in your past. I agree there is very little to be gained by talking but something has promoted her to get in touch after all this time and it’s probably her ongoing pain. She may have had as little idea then as you have right now that her happy life was so vulnerable. Your therapy isn’t going to help her - who knows if she has had therapy. You and her husband did a lot of damage. It does sound like you know that. It also sounds like you didn’t care then and you don’t care now. I think you’re right about there being little point in speaking but you’re wrong in so many other ways.

I don’t think I’ve tamed him at all he’s 40 give him a bit of time to age maybe his consequence will be to age terribly and be a “slimy old fart”. Still got a full head of hair let’s give him till 70s his father still has a full head of hair in his mid 70s so not sure he’ll be a bald man for a while.

I found comfort knowing the affair had turned into a successful marriage. It meant I could see they had been serious about each other.
You say you are a better person after therapy - I would be the bigger person and give her a small amount of your time to help her heal.

Quite in keeping with this entire thread. 😝

This thread is batshit. OP why are you in the middle of all this? Have the conversation with her if you wish and let this furore die down.

I will have a phone call with her. I’m 6 months pregnant and I just don’t think it would be a good idea considering she said to me she is upset to be not have had children

She said something very similar which I didn’t really know how to respond to

I dunno, maybe actually be sorry, because honestly, the words just sound artificial and hollow in the context of your multiple posts.

I was selfish. I didn’t think enough about the people I was hurting, and at the time I cared far too much about what I wanted and far too little about the consequences for everyone else. Sometimes people do genuinely shitty things because they are being shitty, selfish people. That was me.

yes I said up thread this was about you being selfish, you wanted her husband and she didn’t matter. For whatever reason you wanted to take him away foe her, and you succeeded. You got what you wished. You just didn’t know at the time if you could get him permanently.

the issue is you started this thread in the same manner. What’s in it for you if you speak to her. Even later on you write, it was just sex. Like fucking your friends husband is fairly irrelevant if it’s just sex.

yoive moved to offering a conversation. Which is something. And yoire considering her feelings, based on the responses. But it wasn’t your going in. That was, what’s in it for me.

Why don't you know how to respond to all these things?

Perhaps think about that.

You say that you have been to therapy and fully understand your actions and their consequences. If that is really true, why are you so lost when she says things like that?

Don't think I can simplify it any further. What part are you struggling with?

Oops. Obviously struck a nerve.

I believe that you're sorry and I'm glad you've worked on yourself and changed. We are not eternally defined by our worst moments.

I agree that a friendship with this person wouldn't be possible, especially when you have children and she doesn't. You can't reject her but you can explain that. Maybe she thinks she'd be ok with it but she wouldn't.

she has, in therapy.

No, you've moved on with HER life. That you stole.

I hope someone can advise her. Tell her she dodged a bullet and neither he nor you are good to have around.

But you will learn all this when you realise you aren't that special, when he cheats on you too.

That must apply to every man on the planet then 🙄 Go ahead and believe that nobody who cheats is ever happy if it makes you feel better. I know people who have been married 40-50 years who got together as an affair and they love each other dearly.

I would hope most women would be realistic enough to understand that not everyone is the same and that people aren’t necessarily doomed to a life of grimness just because they fucked someone.

“I don’t want to cause anymore hurt than I already have in the past.”

For what ever reason, she feels she needs this to move on from both yours and her ex’s actions. Consider if you’re causing more hurt by not allowing this. I would consider meeting once only and then drawing a line

I do also think your posts read as quite selfish and lacks interest or insight into her hurt or needs.

Your attitude is just so shocking OP. “Your therapist wouldn’t recommend it”, your pregnancy etc

You likely robbed that woman of her chance to have children by taking her life partner. And you did it while pretending to be her friend.

You don’t owe her a meet up. That’s ridiculous.

I'm struggling with why you're asking me to read the posts of the poster I was replying to. I said to the poster that I was replying to, not the OP, that I assume she's either a homewrecker or a cheat, based on her reply to my post. You 'suggested I read her posts'. Why would I need to read the other posts of the poster I was replying to?