AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

You don’t have to meet her. But, in your shoes, I think you should. She may well want to meet with you for that final bit of closure that she needs.

He was married to her. She was your friend and you both embarked on a casual fling that ruined her marriage. It doesn’t matter that you are still together many years later. You both did what you did.

Surely, woman to woman, you can find an hour to meet her and listen to what she has to say.

You dont owe her anything. The marriage couldnt have been great in the 1st place

No children
Divorce was okay because they did not have any children it was quite amicable he didn’t want to argue over anything.
No we do not live in the same area she moved out of the county completely.
Friends are still my friend some friends did decide to not speak to me for a while but then as time went on they decided to get back in touch.
Maybe that’s the case it could be my karma aha he’s telling me if I want to I should meet up with her but also if I don’t I shouldn’t. It’s also my choice he’ll support either way.

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out.

Who just casually starts sleeping with their mates husband? Just for the lols like

It’s a horrible situation and I understand your point of view that there’s absolutely nothing to be gained for her by dragging it all up again.Theres no reason for you to have any further contact if you don’t wish to.
Tell her you have thought about it, and the answer is still no.
You can put it kindly, be contrite, wish her well etc by text. Hopefully she will get the message.
It’s 10 years on, and she needs to let it go.
She’s better off without him.

I’m not proud of my behaviour. I just don’t have anything more to say. I’m not going to spend my life apologising I’ve accepted my wrongdoings never even tried to justify it, it was point blank wrong.

I keep having to check this isn’t my thread, except I’m the ex-wife (not, I think, in this case!). I too desperately want to meet up and ask questions. We’re ten years on and I genuinely don’t hate her, but I do want to understand. When did it happen? Why? Etc. I don’t think I’ll ever get over my best friend taking my husband, but I do take some comfort that it has worked out for them - we didn’t go through all this pain for nothing.

please think about helping her. You owe her that.

Bold to assume those wounds are closed, clearly for her they aren't.

To use your trite metaphor - she's looking for closure. The fact that she's still not got there after a decade is evidence of just how much damage you did.

The fact that she's asked you, and not your DH indicates that it's the betrayal of a friend that she hasn't got closure on.

Very easy for you to say "old wounds" when you were the one who inflicted them.

I didn’t think MN was the place for me to go into detail about how everything started out.

It's unbelievable the cold and callous way you speak about this woman who you have the audacity to say was once your friend. You slept with her husband because you could. You were instrumental in breaking up her marriage. And it sounds as though you don't give a damn about her, she is just an inconvenience to you.

Has she a new relationship?

I wouldn’t meet her, time has mines on and your relationship no matter the circumstances is happy and healthy. She has nothing to lose by raking it all up again and even telling lies.

I think if this happened to me, I'd feel more betrayed by the friend than by my 'D'H. Men cheating on their gf's or wives is commonplace, but you just don't expect an actual friend to do this to you.
You weren't a friend to her, not ever, but I think you're quite liking the drama - the feeling that you won the man, and even after all this time, she wants to speak to you.
I wouldn't if I was her.

No not at all. I’m sorry if that’s how it’s coming across text is sometimes hard to decipher the emotion my bad.

You’ve (big-heartedly) accepted your wrongdoings, so it’s about time she did? 🙄

It seems like what you mean is there's no point for you because you're happy.

You destroyed her life. Can you perhaps have a little empathy for her? She feels it would help.

Any decent person will shut it right down if the friend’s husband starts trying something. Immediately shut it down.

And any decent person wouldn’t try something with their friend’s husband.

So, doesn’t matter who started it. You were a thoroughly corrupt person whichever side of it you were on. And to say it was ok because you planned to let it fizzle out after some fun… despicable.

Imagine the hurt that did. Her friend and her husband. Do you think she has ever been able to trust anyone properly again, after that? How do you think the last 10 years have been for her? You got your man, and your kid. What does she have? Has she been able to build a new relationship, and has it been healthy and happy, or has her trauma for being so betrayed made that incredibly difficult for her?

And you’ve kept yourself in the group of people she was previously friends with as well? You didn’t even have the decency to walk away and leave her to keep those mutual friends?

It doesn’t seem as though you have any grasp of what you did to her. Or why these maybe aren’t old wounds to her, because they will be affected the relationships she is having now.

Glad you’re happy though, that’s what matters. Who cares who we hurt along the way, right?

Your affair didn’t just destroy her trust in future relationships, you also destroyed her trust in her friendships too. How is she able to trust that her friends aren’t just looking to sleep with her partner?

Of course not everyone is that manipulative but when you’ve been burned once it can’t be easy to fully trust the people around you.

I’m not too sure.

She did find out that we had a son and congratulated me. My WhatsApp profile picture is a picture of me, husband and our son. She said he is the spitting image of his father. I didn’t really know how to respond to that part.

I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you.
They were really shitty people who treated you abominably. There is nothing to understand other than that they are both selfish pricks and you are lucky to not have either of them in your life anymore.

I wouldn't meet her. I don't think it will ever resolve for her. What explanation can you give for having done this? None really, so best to let it lie for everyone's sake. Of course she will hate you. I would just focus on your own life, your child and the future.

I agree I didn’t come here to justify any of it. I’m sorry that’s that’s the impression I have given.

I think the least worst option is to decline her request OP.

You should meet up with her because she has asked you to. As simple as that. You blew up her life and betrayed her horribly - if she asks you to do something that she believes might help her, you should just do it. Your opinion about how helpful it is likely to be is totally irrelevant.

Maybe meet in a public place, though. Just in case she's planning to take you out!

I’m just not sure what’s left for her to say. She hasn’t seen me in 11 years we haven’t spoken at all in that time I tried at the start but she told me she didn’t want to and I wanted to at least respect that after what I did.