AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

It isn't about having sympathy/empathy. We can acknowledge that what OP did was a REALLY shitty thing.. but also recognise it was over a decade ago and holding someone to account for a moral failing for all eternity is unhealthy.

Haven't read the thread, OP, but my instinct is NOT to engage any further.

Seriously the woman's already remarried once.

OP, I'm coming to think that poster might not be serious. Very good show, they totally got me, but I think it's probably best to ignore them now.

I'm going to admit I haven't read the full thread, but thought it worth adding my take.

I have been on both sides of this. I had a relationship with an older man when I was 19, mostly emotional but occasionally sexual, who had a girlfriend who lived abroad. The situation ended when he moved abroad to be with her without telling me. I have a folder of our email correspondence during and after that time saved safely away in case his wife ever comes knocking. It was 20 years ago, but I do still think I would owe her the truth if she every appeared. I also wouldn't expect her to necessarily believe me, hence the emails.

The following year I had a rebound relationship with a man who ended up sleeping with my best friend and housemate behind my back. They are now married. I have absolutely no interest, whatsoever in ever having anything to do with either of them ever again as they are bad people, with poor judgement and I have no interest in what they have to say on anything.

But how has OP been held to account at all?
Genuinely?
She says these have been the best years of her life. She got the man, the family, all their friends. The friend just disappeared. Where is the accountability?

Why does she need to be accountable for anything? She hasn’t done anything illegal. She has done what most people do - live their lives. The idea that she should be going through the whole sackcloth and ashes routine for the past 12 years is ludicrous.

It was the husband who broke his vows. Yet the OP is the one getting all the shit!

I think a phone call is an excellent idea. It sounds like she’s been through a lot with another divorce. Her lifelong happiness is not your entire responsibility, of course not. But an hour on the phone shows her she is not a total non-person to you. That may help her heal a little bit. FWIW I think many a therapist would encourage you to take accountability both for the general morality of it but also for yourself. And a phone call is a safe way to do it. Good plan.

well.. last i checked, OP lost a friend, a relationship, and had to deal with the fallout therin.

You make it sound like the people around her were a prize to be won in the divorce. Gross.

What hell? The breakup of a marriage? Losing a child is living with hell. Living in a war zone is living with hell. Splitting up with your husband 12 years ago isn’t remotely comparable

Really?
That's strange because I'm beginning to think those defending a woman who slept with her friend's dh for what she admitted herself was for fun only aren't being serious, either.

Yes I would have little more than polite chit chat with a woman like this.

I could never trust a person like that.
And to be honest, I don't think those defending her would want her as a friend, either.

I'm truly baffled that you think sleeping with your best friends husband behind her back for 9months is not wrong - just someone living their life.
I'm hope we don't share a community irl !

Because I haven’t been disowned alright

Right! Are they giving out scarlet letters or something? As far as I can figure out it was a short marriage with no kids - yes that will be painful to end but it’s hardly a capital crime.

It doesn't sound like OP cared a tuppence about her friend or relationship. Her actions certainly suggest she didn't- both then and now. It doesn't sound like she had to address any fallout. She's being asked to now - 12 years later- have an uncomfortable conversation with the woman she hurt, and everyone's saying "you shouldn't be held to account forever"! But this is the first time she's been ever asked to? And all that's being asked is a conversation?

I don't think they're for real, but whether they are or not, probably best not to feed any more either way. Madness.

I was thinking that. She could be so depressed she kills you then herself! It's not unheard of.

Note : I do have a vivid imagination.

Feel for her though.

She has to live with herself and what she did to a friend. It may not bother her at all, but I treated a couple of people unkindly in my youth (very mild compared to this situation, though), and the shame I feel when I recall it is quite intense.

Don’t you miss the frienship at all OP? I just could never imagine picking a man over my friends.

My parents were an affair couple and while I obviously love them, it's kind of shameful how they got together.

I'm guessing you're either a cheater or a homewrecker?

I suggest you read her posts.

I'm for real.
I would have nothing more than polite chit chat with a woman like the OP.

I keep repeating this because you are denying I mean it when I very much do and not to be goady.

You're all being far too pitch-forky about this and aiming at the wrong person anyway.

Times have changed. For men and women.

No one is obligated to stay in a loveless relationship. No one stole anyone and no one needs to be punished. A relationship ended and just because the second one started before the first ended, doesn't mean anyone committed a crime.

If a partner cheated on me, I would ask why given I had always told them to let me know if they were unhappy or wanted sex with someone else, then I would just kick them out and move on. Still pining 12 years later?? Why give another human that much power over you.

She has held herself accountable.
Accountability is not the same as punishment.

she has held herself accountable

how?