AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

Ahh ok - I did actually miss your point.

Interesting.

But only if getting cheating sex forever is a win?

I need to ponder that for a bit, as my instinct says no.

It implies someone who is a slave to their desires, and caught up in a permanent life of lies and deceit. While it may scratch their own itch, most others do not function like that, so they will be always dealing with fall out?

Hmm - good food for though there!

This thread is wild, the glee from some that think your DH may have cheated on you is very distasteful. For most of my life I had very black and white thinking around cheating and with time and experiences (being cheated on, and seeing a friend cheat on her OH) I know now that it’s not that simple sometimes. I certainly don’t think those who cheat should be sentenced to a life of misery until death.

I hope the phone call is productive and your friend gets what she’s looking for out of it. You’re right to protect yourself at this stage of pregnancy. In fact, now knowing about your pregnancy and re-reading your OP I wonder if it’s written so casually so as to protect yourself. To keep a distance from the events and not relive the feeling of guilt etc that you will have felt at the time.

Good luck with your new arrival.

That would be a total false equivalence that it really isn't worth wasting my time on.

That is a criminal act which is punishable by law. Until the law dictates who people can sleep with, it is in no way comparable.

You can’t ‘steal’ someone’s partner.

Don’t.

Haven’t said I was anyway I agree friends don’t do that to their friends

i do, because it was done to me. and i think you and others going on like the OP is satan need to get a grip.

My ExH and my BFF happened over 9 years ago. I have moved on, i had to maintain a relationship with him for our kids sake, and we're back to amicable/even friendly. Her, i don't speak to.. i did for a while, but it naturally fizzled out, and she carried on making some really questionable choices that i decided i didn't want around me and my kids (dating someone on the SO register for one)

At the end of the day, it's been a decade, and i have moved on with my life. I couldn't imagine bothering to contact her after all this time to get 'closure' the closure was my divorce.

I don’t think I’d agree to a phone call. It was 11 years ago for goodness sake. If she’s still so hung up on this after more than a decade then that suggests a far deeper problem with being able to move on with her life than the actual affair could have caused. Has she been in mourning for the last 11 years or something? Be careful she doesn’t have pictures of you all over her walls with cross-hairs scribbled across them 😳

Honestly I don’t think this is something you should still be expected to talk about to her after all this time. Nothing good can come of this.

How old are you to believe in such a dog eat dog world?

@Anarchy99 It is my experience that people don’t generally go round shagging the partners of good friends with no reason.

OP has already given her reason for the affair and said that it "wasn't serious". So it seems she did it for a bit of fun.
That may be a good enough reason for you, but it wouldn't be for me.

You keep referencing karma but karma is nonsense. Sometimes people who behave poorly or well see the impact of those actions in a negative or positive way, but that's not karma. That's just cause and effect. So you might have cheated - I stipulate 'might' as it's just your allegation - and temporarily lost friends as a result. That's not karma. That's just people reacting to an action they find distasteful. The concept that people are punished for behaviour in a way unrelated to the original offence at some unknown point in the future has no basis in logic or science. It's pure mysticism.

Did you say no then get back in touch re the phone call?

People, even spouses, are not material objects owned by another person though.

This is true, however, the OW is not covered in glory either and should expect to be shunned by society.

Nobody's going to be giving her a medal for services to humanity that's for sure.

Personally I could not be involved with a man who'd cheated.

If he can do it to another woman, he can do it to me.

It is a character flaw that exists independently of who he is with.

It may be OK when the going is good but during the course of a marriage there'll be bad times and he'll revert to type.

Shagging your best friends husband behind her back is not a criminal offence- nor should it be. But it's still a really shitty thing to do to someone. My point wasn't the offence of stealing and the offence of cheating are the same, my point was to demonstrate how that reasoning is not an explanation but an excuse.

You were probably more important to her as a long-term friend than your DH was to her as a husband...bearing in mind the two years. I think you both need closure. You were young and reckless, you fell in love, she got hurt. It's a common story.

I don't believe in karma...there's no such thing...but if you continued behaving the same throughout your life then you wouldn't be happy...that's what karma actually is. You're not a bad person but it might help both of you to talk it through and put it behind you. Neither of you needs this shame or bitterness and it sounds like she wants to move on...even if it hurts her at first.

Arrange to have a chat on the phone...that's the best thing. But don't put yourself through too much while you're pregnant and don't let it hang over you either. Maybe explain to her that you are pregnant, that you think the timing is bad based on this, but that you'd like to talk in time. Maybe you can continue the small chats and exchanges about your lives without the need for a 'showdown'.

Too much water under the bridge now, the mate has had another husband and a divorce on the meantime. Offering a phone call is more than this deserves, it’s so unhelpful to the friend to be digging up the past like that.

And why everyone feels like blaming OP here rather than the Ex I do not know…. It’s frankly batshit.

From your posts you sound extremely old and unempathetic! After what you have done, the very least you can do is meet her she obviously has unanswered questions and if you have a shred of decency you should answer them!

Try stealing someone's partner somewhere like Saudi Arabia.

What is wrong with you??

People are so emotional, dramatic and acting unhinged on this thread. OP you sound more reasonable to me than about 60% of posters here and you’ve made the right choice.

on another note all the women who believe the „creates a vacancy” nonsense mostly waste their lives waiting and waiting for the karma to strike, while in reality many affair relationships end up perfectly happy long-term.

it’s in the interest of all parties, including the wronged ones to move on

WRT the meet-up, I’d say no. It sounds like she is having therapy and been told to meet with you for closure, or she has another motive to get you face to face with some info that’ll hurt you. Her friendly overtures to you seem unnatural after what you did to her.

However, one thing I am happy about is that I can look in the mirror and tell myself that I am a good person. I can’t imagine looking at myself knowing my selfish actions had absolutely destroyed another person. You took away her DH, any future DC and wrecked her life.

The audacity of you and your DH having counselling. What was that all about? Who wrecked your life? You mention that at some point you had to move on, get on with your life. Is that what your £80 a session paid for? Someone to tell you it’s ok.

What a nasty pair. With friends like this, who needs enemies. Also, your mutual friends have no morals either. If a friend of mine destroyed another friend’s life like this I would tell her straight and cut her toxic presence out of my life.

Read the thread. She’s going to have a conversation with her over the phone.

What is with the ‘extremely old’ comment? It seems unlikely in any case as the OP is pregnant but does old mean unempathetic? Or did you just want to try to insult the OP?

Rough in the jungle bizniss tbh.

Flicked through your messages and I am struck at how they are all about you. What you think.

Its not about you. Its about her. Just go and listen to her. Answer any questions she has. You owe her that much.

Its obviously important to her.

You took all her power and agency, the life she expected and probably her ability to trust other people. By refusing to meet her you are showing her that you still have that power and control and she still has none.

Do the decent thing and listen to what she has to say. It probably won't be pleasant, but fuck me, you owe her that much at least.