AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

By accepting what she did was wrong.

She's done

You may not like it. But she has a right to enjoy her life.

This whole "once a cheat always a cheat" thing simply isn't true. Lots of people do all sorts of things in their 20s that they wouldn't dream of doing in their 30s or 40s, especially when they now have kids, etc.

She didn’t lose a friend. She began a casual affair with the woman’s husband. That’s not friendship by anyone’s definition of it.

"by accepting what she did was wrong"

I don't agree with you that accountability can be reduced to an acceptance that what you did was wrong. This may be part of accountability , but the more important part is what you then do with that admission to restore/ repair the harm you caused.

The OP "should expect to be shunned by society." Wow.

Like Queen Camilla then?
Or any of the many public figures who have split up from their spouses due to unfaithfulness?
Or many of the women on MN who have themselves had extra marital affairs?

That's a lot of shunning. What purpose would that achieve?

Reminds me of the Witch trials I read about at school I used to wonder how people could suddenly turn on others demanding righteous retribution...

I agree.
But that can't be infinite. Even criminals have an end to their sentences.

Only because they've got too much to lose. Divorce, loss of house, not seeing the children, loss of lifestyle.

They would if they could.
They haven't turned into paragons of virtue.

Or become unattractive.
My Dave has never once cheated on me.
That's because he's fat, bald and his looks have gone. Nobody wants him anymore.

That poster is so wildly angry it's easy to see how things like that happened

Maybe hes still giving her hope or even sleeping with her.
Go find out

Maybe hes still giving her hope or even sleeping with her.
Go find out

What you did was unforgivable. Who needs enemies when you've got friends like you?
As P.P's have mentioned, this isn't about you. It's about giving your ex friend the opportunity to have an honest conversation about what you did. There's millions of men in the world and you had to have your friend's husband. Just shameful behaviour from you and the husband. They always say when you become the other woman, you've created a vacancy for a kew mistress
I have a friend who is going through something similar and I've seen her go from a happy, confident woman who thought her marriage was secure to someone who is trying to make sense of it all and is a shell of her former self. The other women in this case has destroyed my friend's life, not only with the marriage break-up but the loss of her family home. The other woman is now playing happy families and loving her new life.
This was truly avoidable behaviour on your part and there are really no excuses. The meet up and chat is the least you could do. Shame on you!

If What do you really want from this thread. You don't sound like a good friend

She has questions and needs answers. The least you can do is meet her. This isn't about you. I get you're probably feeling anxious about seeing her but bite the bullet and do it for her. You might feel better for it too.

Both were wrong. To do that to a friend is ultimatel betrayal. You can hardly trust anyone again. Very difficult

Same here.

I can still remember the disgust and upset I felt when I found out. I also found out I had older half siblings who hated my existence (understandably, I was born as their mother was dying).

And the looks they'd get from old 'friends'. Polite on the outside, sneers as soon as they turned away or weren't looking.

It was embrassing.

People grow up, some more slowly than others. You don’t have to be a paragon of virtue to find your life partner and settle down in a way that you didn’t before you found them, and when you were less mature, etc.

Guys if my thread is making you this angry honestly just ignore it :) there’s been quite the reaction I don’t mind if you think I’m a sociopath or I deserve to be miserable or suffer etc. Only thing that would make me miserable would be losing my son or my unborn baby and they also do not need to be miserable or suffer nor am I raising sociopaths whatever next ahaha

Well, be better and give the wronged person what she needs to move on.

THIS! Maybe they've decided to try again and he hasn't the balls to tell you. And she'll enjoy breaking it to you...I'D want to know what she has to say.

Maybe

Yes exactly

It sounds like you were all young at the time. Maybe they got married quickly and they weren't life partners. OP, I'd not go back in time and talk to her. I think you're getting a hard time on here and of course I don't condone what you did but when you're young you do make mistakes.

Personally I'd not want to talk. What was in the past, stays in the past. If she needs to talk, she needs to talk to a therapist - not to you. People need to heal their own wounds, not find solace in a conversation with the person who caused you harm. I don't think that's mentally healthy and it suggests she hasn't moved on in a healthy way.

When she says think about it, I'm not sure what you're supposed to think about. You know what you did was wrong but again, it sounds like you were all young.

Say no and keep on with your life.

No your friend’s husband is the one in the wrong. The other woman owed your friend nothing. If your friend’s marriage was that secure and happy, it would not have fallen apart.

I see you have rolled out yet another ‘mistress/vacancy’ cliche. Either you are spectacularly naive or you know that isn’t always true. It might make your friend feel better but it simply isn’t always the case.

Many people meet when with others and go on to be blissfully happy together.

Yes shame on me I agree. I don’t know what you want me to do with that information. Sorry to your friend.

If she’s holding out hope of fucking him again, that is a bit concerning after having split for 12 years!