AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

I’m not asking you to defend yourself but you’ve come here for perspective on a situation and that’s raised questions with how you handled it originally. Because you’ve put it to bed, you’re probably seeing people raking over it as unnecessary, it’s in the past. But it’s actually very much in the present and links to how you should navigate this situation now.

I think it’s good you’re having the call even though you feel on the back foot. Whatever she’s planning to say she clearly feels this is something she needs to do and she should have the opportunity now that it’s on her terms. Perhaps this can help bring closure for her and help to reclaim some agency? It’s been much easier for you to move on because you’ve been calling the shots till now. Also the betrayal was the start of your current happy life which helps to legitimise and limit your regret of what happened. It seems she wants to move forward as you have had the chance to do.

I hope the phone call is helpful.

the OW is not covered in glory either and should expect to be shunned by society.

You must be taking the piss by this point. You must be.

Was just going to say the same! BTW you owe this woman closure because both you and your husband lied to and cheated on her. In her place I'd never want to see either of you again, but if she needs this then you should do it.

Good point !
I think 'heads might roll' as they say.....

Your whole life and family was built on sneakiness and lies. How sad.

Why do you keep saying "I'm not proud of my behaviour/ what I did" etc

Why would ANYONE be "proud" of sleeping with a friend's H?

You absolutely owe it to her to speak with her. It's the very least you can do. You say it won't make her feel better but she can be the judge of that.

It sounds like she's behaved really well - when my husband cheated on me I did some pretty horrible and permanent things to ruin the OW's life, including getting her sacked from her job. Not proud, but if all she wants is a conversation honestly you're getting off very very lightly.

Im sure her children when they are adults would laugh at such comments and tell you to fuck right off.

Relationships that arise out of infidentity can often be very happy. It's just most people don't want to admit it.And instead, prefer to think that everyone will get there come up and have a miserable life.The truth is they don't.

You were her friend 😭she was probably hoping to have kids with him and you took that away from her

The guilt and shame would eat me up inside, I don't know how you did it in the first place

"It's all about you"

Well.. yes, because the OP is the one writing the post, it is from her perspective and about her thoughts and feelings around this request.

How on earth is she meant to write a post that isn't about her?

I’m not sure the issue is whether anyone is interpreting individual words incorrectly. The issue is that the narrative appears to have developed and changed somewhat throughout the thread. Firstly you imply the affair was accidental, then casual, as if “just having sex” is a better excuse to start an affair rather than because there was a deep attraction. The “friend” you first spoke of was then not a friend at all.

Initially you stated the you didn’t want to speak to her, whereas now you have apparently been trying to speak to her over the years. Likewise, the messages initially seemed to be presented as evidence of one thing, but we are now being asked to interpret “congratulations”, “I’m happy for you”, questions about your son, comments about how cute he is and that she misses you as evidence of something quite different. I can understand why you feel the phone will establish the truth, although I’m not entirely sure a phone is capable of establishing emotional intent.

Perhaps ask ChatGPT to analyse the messages next. Although, given the way this thread is going, I’m slightly concerned ChatGPT may end up having a conversation with itself and then come back with a 14-point assessment of the emotional subtext, contradictions and evolving narrative.

You may be able to look yourself in the mirror but you do know that not everyone will agree with your opinion of yourself? You feel you are a good person and I’m sure you try to be. But nobody is truly good.

One of the most valuable traits in anyone is genuine self awareness. It’s not a common trait unfortunately but if people can acknowledge their own faults and wrongdoings, it makes them a far more rounded person.

Also, of course it’s okay to cut a friend off if you disagree with their actions but I wouldn’t in this situation. It’s hard when you are friends with all parties but If I was friends with the OP (not the ex) then I wouldn’t cut her off.

Asking ChatGPT to analyse the emotional subtext of a message is the very definition of futile 🤣

But he didn't want kids with her. He wanted to be with somebody else and have children with them. ...OP.

Why should anyone feel bad about this man not doing what he did want to do. She wasn't robbed of anything if he didn't want to do it.

It's not the same though. Unless he cheated before and the ex knew about it, she had no reason to expect he would cheat.

Does seem strange after 8 years, unless there's something you haven't told us OP, like he's been cheating on your with her this time and now she needs to tell you something?

That says far more about you than it does about the OP.

Good god no one is shunning my out if society. Maybe on MN but I’m still a member of society still have parents that come and see my son and me his parents too. My old friends who knew her still see me speak to me.

Maybe it’s the society of Surrey but no one’s shunning me especially not 11 yrs later

MN will be sending you naked to meet her with a nun tolling "SHAME" behind you at this rate OP.

"you can't spend your whole life upset over it" But she will have to live with the hell for her whole life. You sound a right cold hearted Woman. One day you may just find out how he life imploded.

Would you like that to be the law in the UK?

She only has to 'live with the hell for the rest of her life' if she chooses to wallow in it and not get over it.

No.
I personally have nothing more but polite chit chat with women who have broken up a person's marriage.
Is that not my right?

Have I stumbled into an adultery support thread on reddit here or something.

Thought it was mumsnet.
Not let's all have sympathy for mistresses/former mistresses net.

Agreed you’re entitled to making your own decisions. You don’t need to even interact with people like me.

It starts to get silly going on about how a couple met once they have been together over a decade IMO and have children.

My dad's second wife was an affair, I was devastated at the time, but over 25 years later, he and her are well suited and my mum went on to find someone far better for her. It turned out advantageous all around.

That's not to take away from the hurt in those years afterwards, but I do believe life moves on and wouldn't want to stay stuck in the emotional past, however awful it was at that time.

Some of the responses on this thread are so unhinged that I’m starting to understand why some men choose to leave their marriage.