AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

I’ll see you tomorrow 🤣

Meeting up isn't about you. Its to help her.
From her perspective you stole her happy ending. How would you feel if the husband you love did that to you now.

Lucky you that you have the husband, a lovely child and a nice life.

Perhaps do this for her. It might give her some closure

Just don’t meet her? What’s going to happen if you don’t? I don’t how anyone would be able to persuade you to meet if you don’t want to.

If it were me and I’d betrayed a friend like that, I would give her what she needs. That said, if I were a friend of hers I would be advising her to let it be and that she was at risk of opening up some awful wounds.

No, you don't have to.

Don't forget to come back and update us when your husband leaves you for his next affair partner. Once a cheater...

A bit of perspective really. I’m not sure what she gains from us talking it won’t make her feel better. When it happened she said she hated me and did not want to speak to me ever again and that was that. I did not try to justify my case what I did was wrong I’ve since been to therapy I can’t spend my whole life upset over it sometimes you just have to move on with life I’m not sure what more can be added to the conversation from her side or my side now to be honest after over a decade of not even being in contact. I don’t want to cause anymore hurt than I already have in the past.

Are they still in touch?
Do they have kids together?
What does he think about you meeting her?

I will keep MN updated I wasn’t a great person either back then but all I can do is try to better and seek help through therapy which we have. No excuses really for either of us but also neither of us can spend our living constantly repenting.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up.

Not for you but she sees value in it. It's the least you can do. She was your friend.

8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have.

She'll have felt the same when she was married to him.

No they never have children together. He said if I want to meet up with her then yes if I don’t then no it’s my decision too. At the end of the day she’s the one that’s asked me. I have told her I don’t think there’s any point now over a decade later.

You slepy with your friend's husband.

You ignored her then so it's no surprise that you're ignoring her now.

It's still all about you.

To hell with her feelings then and to hell with them now - at least you are consistent!

She wants to and I think the decent thing to do would be put her first just once.

Yes probably I am not proud of myself but I’ve also moved on with my life.

I don’t even know what I’d say to her. When everything came out she said she never wanted to speak to me again and I respected her choice.

That’s big of you

I mean I tried to speak to her about it over the years ago. She said she never wanted me to contact her again and that she will never contact me again etc.

I think you are right to want to leave it— just explain to her by text you don’t want to hurt her any more than you already have

Just decline. There is nothing to be gained for either of you after so long.

The opportunity to discuss this has passed and by engaging you are only encouraging her to pick at old wounds

Wow, the double betrayal thing must be so hard to get over, how does one trust anyone again!

You owe her this, frankly.

I have and she said I should think about it.

Any children with the previous wife?
Did their divorce go ok?
How far do you live from her?
Woukd you potentially drive through her town on a daily basis? Friendship connections within a small friendship circle etc.

if no children and he going back to her - no point to meet. If everything is all sorted cash / house etc with the divorce.

Or maybe she knows that he is doing the same thing to you and she wants to tell you ?!?!? To get it back on him (as then it’s done it to 2 people)

I don’t know what else there is to say at this point. It’s just opening up old wounds surely

You dont know what she might do if you meet up!!! Be careful.

Steer clear, it was years ago. It happens, he chose you, you have a happy life and need to keeping moving forward not back. Surely she has a new partner or husband by now?

They have no reason to be in touch if they have no kids
I would both block her and leave her alone and she leave you alone
I don’t think there is anything to gain from her saying “why did you do this blah blah blah” and you going “well one thing led to another blah blah blah”
I really wouldn’t open this can of worms up - what is the point? She’s clearly hanging on to some hope he’ll leave you and go back if she’s done this after all this time.

You slept with your friends husband and actually thought to yourself “this is fine because it will fizzle out and I’ll carry on being her friend.”

That betrayal is huge. But you now know what your husband is capable of, so I hope you loop at all your friends with worry for the rest of your marriage.